I'm a Rainbow Too!

Surfacing

2007-04-05T18:36:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened. It has been intense, crazy, scary and wonderful. As I prepared for the girlie holiday of a lifetime my heart was weighed down with opposing forces. The boy, the one that left, the one that broke my heart, the one that couldn't wait, figured out that he could. We figured out that we didn't want to be going through this life without each other. He decided to come back. He would be returning the day that I got back from Thailand.

As my heart was dancing and soaring, other news came through. My mom had a lump in her breast. She has been Cancer free for 5 years. She had 3 tumours in as many years removed from her uterus, abdomen area. Now a malignant tumour in her breast. They were going to do a double masectomy, and a single lymphectomy.

For the first time in, if not my whole life, than a very long time, I had a plan. KF and I would work here until August. In September we would go to India and volunteer at a hospice for 2 months. We would travel to Nepal and do a trek and meditation retreat. We would come back to Taiwan to pick up PaoPao and be back in Canada for the build up to Christmas. I am ready to be home. I have not been ready to be home in sooo long. I want to be home, close to my family. Suddenly I -wanted it-NOW. Nothing calls you home like your parents mortality. I talked to my mom. I talked to my dad. My dad is sort of my canary. My mom would never tell me she wanted me to come home for her. Not for her illness. My mom and dad are good enough friends that my mom would talk to him, but their is enough distance that she would not feel the need to protect him enough to be honest with him. I decided, not lightly and not on my own, not to run home.

My mom had her surgery. My grandma and my aunt were there. They are at my grandma's house. She is recovering well. It was a high grade tumour, it had not metastasized, it was not in the lymph nodes or the blood. It was not a secondary cancer from the ovarian/uterine cancer. She doesn't think that she will do radiation or chemo.

The holiday was truly amazing. It was everything that I could have asked for a holiday to be, and more. I got to know my girls better than I thought I could. I had time to reflect on the impending life changes. We partied, we relaxed, we frolicked and played. It was exactly what my should needed. We said goodbye to our lovely Linds, and she is now playing house in NZ with that lovely boy of hers. I miss her like crazy. This girl dropped everything to be at my side in my times of need. Never judging, only listening. This girl called me on it when I was being an ass. This woman is wise beyond her years, with a heart so pure it makes me aspire to be a better person, just thinking of her. I will see her again.

Last week we also said goodbye to my cousin, my sister, by bestie, Leah. Although I will see her sooner, it is a big whole out of my life. I came to Taiwan with her. I didn't go more than a day without at least some texts. She is wise, and silly. She is spiritual and grounded. She knows me, and I her, like only family can. Sometimes we have expectations, concerns, hurt feelings, that only come from knowing someone too well, thinking that we know what is best for someone. We are closer for it. I am grateful for my time in Taiwan, if for nothing else, than for what it has brought to my relationship with this amazing woman. Where she is, is a factor in my next step in life.

All of these goodbyes softened by the most wonderful of reunions. He has been here for just over a month and I fall in love with him more and more everyday. He is good and pure and loves me with all his heart. He is the picture beside the definition of a good man. My heart dances as I think of him. It is good and sacred and as a result I will not be writing too much about it. But here, and through all of the dark, he is my light.

Panty Party

2007-01-28T16:52:00.000+08:00

I have been blessed with some really wicked girlfriends in my life. I have a few women spread around the world that I would crawl over mountains to have one night of giggling with. Never in my life, though, have a been surrounded by so many, thouroughly solid bitches. I have my 3 Ls; they are my family, my grounding, my sanity and my laughter. These are the ladies that I want to sit on porch with at ninety and laugh and complain about the ways of kids these days. But it doesnt stop at these 3. This city is filled with, a few nut jobs, but a disproportionate number of really cool, solid women. They are all ages, from all walks of life, from all over the globe. We have all come from different times and places. We have vastly different stories, with a chapter that overlaps in the paticular place and time. I have traveled with, laughed with, cried with, and seen things that no one would believe with these ladies.

Last weekend 20 something of my nearest and dearest went to some friends' in the mountains for a slumber party of epic proportions. We laughed, we ate, we danced, we drank, we took pictures of our breasts. Woman in their 20s to women in their 40s, women from every hemisphere, met together to just be together. I think my girl put it best

To know that out there women will continue to take my breath away, with their humour, their wisdom, their ability to find a space to dance in. To know that out there women will continue to seek, to look for the answers both within themselves, and through other's stories too, to step outside the boundaries of what they've been taught, and really reach for something they know as the truth. To know that the girls at high school weren't as bad as all that, and that women are not something I ever intend to be scared of again. To know that when my spirit raises her neck and howls at the fat bloated fullness of the moon that elsewhere somewhere there might be a group of mad bitches also shaking their asses, or licking their wounds. To know that when I'm old, and maybe alone, buttering my toast with a shaky knife that won't hold still, frustrated maybe a little at this wrinkled cave that grew around me so fast, that I can lean into the counter for a second and close my eyes, flit backwards to the former shadow of a girl called me, and a girl called you. A group of us laughing together at the ridiculous splendor of really making it possible to live as colorfully as we possibly could. Even in a city which tried it's best to bind us in grey, we still sparkled like fireflies, we still left our marks on the limitless sky.

I want to take this opportunity to say "Thank you, ladies!!! " These past couple years have been an experience that I could never have dreamed this life. So to you bitches that have shared it with me; Some of you, I have never met, some, I have not seen in years, some, I may never see again, You have marked my life. I needed you more than I knew!

Yeah, I'm Bored!

2007-01-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

Should auld aquaintance....

2006-12-31T12:23:00.000+08:00

Wow! What a year! I can't believe how fast it has gone, nor can I believe the changes that it brought. New Years last year I had a broken heart. I didn't dare go out because I knew he was out with her. Then a trip to the Phillipines on Chinese New Year that changed everything. I was doing good up to the trip, but the trip was so amazing and so what I needed that I came back glowing. My happy soul attracted a new friendship, and that friendship turned into a mad love affair. A love affair that, no matter how hard we try, won't fade away.

We have stopped trying. We are in full contact, and I am fully in love. He is having a hard time, and has no interest in the program he is studying. There is talk of him dropping the course and coming back here, if not there is talk of what may happen after. I am scared. I have wee panic attacks...what if he changes his mind? what if this is a result of the shitty things he has going on around him? what if he comes here and we realise that we created all of this, cause it is a beautiful story? Then I talk to him. It is all ok. Even if all those worst case scenarios manifest in one horrible finale, I still would be here right now. He wrote me a children's story for christmas. I will ask him if I can post it. It was the best present I have ever recieved.

So yeah, Christmas...not so much. I had to work. It wasnt Christmas. It was a pretty good day, as far as Mondays go, but it was not Christmas. It is my last Christmas here, HURRAH!!

The earthquake was much ado about nothing really. I mean, it was big, and it was cool, and scary for some. It was talked about for all of about a day, and forgotten. I was in the basement of the mega grocery store, so it was a different sensation than most earthquakes I have felt here. Usually you are up fairly high for them, at least a few floors, so there is a swaying sensation. In the basement, it just rolled, shook and vibrated. A couple oranges bounced onto the floor, signs and metal clanked for a few minutes. I had been going around saying how cool I thought it was until I spoke to my friend Iris about it. She talked about them memories that all significant earthquakes bring up of the big one. It was a hugely destructive earthquake, thousands killed. I need to learn to be more sensitive!!

Tonight we are heading over to Linds and Hamish's for some bubbly and games, and see where the night takes us. Probably some dancing with more friends. I am calling the boy at 12, and there is a good chance I will still be up at his 12 to talk to him. Oh my!

Happy New Years everyone! I hope that next year is filled with much love, laughter, friends and loved ones!

The Wonders of Ancient Medicine

2006-12-16T13:33:00.000+08:00

The weather has made it's sudden turn to 'sub-tropical' winter. Last week we were sitting in the mid to high twenties and still sweating. This week, sweaters, winter coats and space heaters are being pulled out of the cupboards. Normally I would be wingeing about this, and don't worry, I promise I will be shortly, but this time of year it is a bit different. Somehow, coming into the house sweating, and turning on the Christmas lights, just didn't feel right. The cold works for now. I actually feel a little bit festive. It helps that I have TWO packages under my tree awaiting my eager fingers. That's right, both my parents have stepped up this year. My mom didn't bring forth some house stuff that she bought me two years ago and "Call it my Christmas present!" Goddess bless her!!

So my knees have been a bit buggered since the whole 'fall on the kid' incident. Limping and favouring my other leg for a week from the bruise was enough to feck up the other leg. Have I mentioned I have shoddy knees? So I was gimping around my classroom at my evening job last week when one of the mom's asked about it. She told me that her mother couldn't walk from bad knees, went to this Chinese doctor, and miracle of all miracles, she can walk!! She offered to take me. I love this about Taiwan. I have seen this lady once a week for the past 6 months. Her daughter is one student of 26, and she is one parent of 10 that watches the class. I have never spoken directly to her, but she offered to pick me up at 9:30 on a Saturday morning to take me to a Chinese doctor.

I generally decline these gestures. As kind as they are, they often play out as awkward, drawn out events that don't end up with desired results anyway. But I need to do something about my knees, so I accepted graciously.

I woke up at 9 with a few butterflies. My trips to Chinese doctors have usually been excruciatingly painful. It is also a completely different pain than any pain I felt back home. My massage therapist back home used to commend me on my pain tolerance, and here I am a complete pussy!! Anyway, I head downstairs, and they pull up in their giant Lexus SUV. Husband is driving, mom in the passenger seat, and me in the back with my painfully shy student, Grace. A family affair!

We hit the doc. He tells me what I already know about the one knee, recommends 10 days no exercise, and some Chinese medicine patches. He takes a look at the other knee. He pushes the same spot that was painful on the other knee, and it is not as painful. He finds another spot...HELLO!! He tells me I have liver problems. Yeah, you can tell this from my knee. So then he pushes a spot on my chest. On the top righthand area of my cleavage. Before I could slap him for being a perv I am smacked upside the head with pain. When he pushes the spot on my chest, neither spot on my knee hurts when he pushes them. I don't have the spot on the other side of my chest. He shows me the meridian that runs down my torso, and shows me another spot that hurts...Thanks! When I tell him that I am recovering from food poisoning, he nodds knowingly...He knows!! Lots of water, fresh fruit, don't stay up so late and massage the spot on my chest (no I am not copping a feel, no, I don't need any help!)

I have always believed that Eastern medicine offers a different perspective to our Western prescription, surgery based approach. I have seen my students and friends pouring all kinds of sick looking powders and concoctions down their throats in the name of Chinese medicine, so I have developed a healthy dose of skepticism, as well. But these guys can stick 3 fingers on your pulse and tell you that you eat too many carbs, it is good that you don't eat meat, keep up with the exercise, don't think so much, get more sleep and phone your mother more! It is seriously creepy sometimes!! It is too bad that there isn't more cases where east meets west and we get the best of both world!!

Stay Away From the Eggs!!!

2006-12-13T17:10:00.000+08:00

I think that I have food poisoning.

As I sat down to my work lunch yesterday, I got a text from a friend to meet her for lunch. I ate a bit of the scrambled eggs, steamed green veggies and a bit of the curry sauce from the chicken curry and headed out. At the restaurant I just ordered a sided salad and kiwi/apple/mint fresh juice. Back at work a co-worker gave me an oreo cookie. All was fine. I headed back to class at 2, and by the end of the 40 minute class I was feeling dizzy and rough. Next, the kids had Fantasy Play House, and by the end of that I was feeling worse. Snack was next, and the sight and sound of my little lovelies chomping away was too much. After 3:00 is a bad time to find a bathroom in my school. The Aunties start to clean them, and after they are finished they block them off so they don't get dirty again. I could do a whole post on this, it is a pet peeve at the best of times...but hunting down a bathroom to puke in is NOT fun!! I had thrown up 3x by 4:00, so I called my evening job to call in sick.

By 3:00 this morning I had expelled EVERYTHING from my body that could possibly be expelled!! I called in sick this morning. Although my trips to the loo are far less frequent today, I am feeling shaky, weak and have self pity abound!! It is 5 in the afternoon. I finally showered and got dressed. My day has been filled with cooking shows (the best answer to food poisoning? maybe not!) and feverish dreams!!

That's all I have in me right now....

Closer to Fine

2006-12-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

People are asking for updates about him, people are asking what is going on between us... What is going on between us? He is not ready to sign on for a future, but I cerainly didnt stay out of contact for very long.

We are friends, that is easy.

My friends don't make my heart soar and ache like he still does.

No, I love him, I will always love him, that is not a bad thing. I have no illusions about what we are doing, or where we are going with this.

Except when those thoughts sneak in, you know the ones, admit it...what if...?

And really...what if? What if this doesnt die? what if he figures out that this isnt dying?

And what if he is already dating, what if he has let go of you and has interest in this ever happening, what if I make him feel good one way, but 'she' makes him feel good a different way? He is having his cake, and eating it too.

So am I!! It doesnt matter!! I know that I love him, and I know how he makes me feel. I know that he loves me. What he is doing over there does not affect things between us anymore than what I have been distracting myself with, affects things.

Yes, I know how he makes me feel. He makes me feel special, and needed. Old habits die hard. I keep falling for guys that make me feel this way. Being needed doesnt mean that you love them.

No, it doesnt! But that is not why I love him. Just because I may have had a pattern in the past does not mean that similiar feelings are repeating the pattern. He is just fine without me, he is not like the other guys. He knows what he has to do to look after himself, and expects nothing from me. I love him for his beautiful soul, not because sometimes I make him feel good. I don't love him on account of making him feel good. I want to make him feel good because I love him.

But we are both holding on to something that is not going anywhere. This is going to end up hurting an awful lot later if this keeps up. What happened to distance? What happened to letting go?

If it does backfire, it will have been worth it. We have tried to step back and put distance between us. The fact is, I love him, and I am not going to pretend to him that I don't. We are being honest with each other, and we are not playing games. The only games are the ones that happen right here in this little head of mine. Sometimes I indulge in the what ifs, sometimes I indulge in the doubt in my own feelings, and sometimes I indulge in mistrust in his intentions. But in my heart of hearts I am content. I am not worried. I am looking after myself. It's what I do. At the end of the day, I will be fine, more than fine. I always am.

At the end of the day, I am always more than fine!

At the end of the day, I will always be more than fine!!

Allen "the pancake" Yuo

2006-11-22T17:17:00.000+08:00

I am in pain....quite a lot of pain!!!

We had Art class right before lunch. Everyone hates it when we have Art class right before lunch. Teacher Lily is a bit of a loose canon, and will often too much time freaking out on the kids for pressing too hard with their markers (the are 4 and 5!!!!). We innevitably go over time. By the time we get back to the classroom I will have enough time to get down to the caffeteria, shovel some food in my gullet and make it to Chinese class on time. No tea today!! As I rush out Allen jumps in front of me and yells, "YOU CANNOT GO!!!"

"Whanna bet?" I was like a steam train with my momentum. Normally I could transfer the momentum to my other leg and step around his body. Today I am wearing a pencil skirt, my legs do not spread that wide today. I stumbled a bit, and realized we were going down...both of us. I pulled him towards me and put my knee and elbow out to try and break his fall. I took most of the fall, but he banged his head on the floor. He was scared. I would be too if I was 4 feet tall and I had fallen on top of me!!! I put some ice on his head, comforted him and left to go to chinese class. By the time I got up from my brief lunch my knee was starting to hurt. By the time I got to chinese class it had swollen to twice its size.

My knee is stiff and swollen, and I am wallowing in the thought that I fell ON a student...I am SUCH A CLUTZ!!

udate: I went into work this morning. I asked Allen how he was feeling, if he had a bump. He said no, and was sweet enough to ask how I was doing. I showed him the bruise and scrape on my elbow, and my bruised and swollen knee. With the utmost concern he looked and me and said "You should look the doctor!"

2006-11-15T18:39:00.000+08:00

Jesse's First Hunt

My parents separated when I was 6. My dad hooked up with Vicki when I was 8, and my brother and I moved in with them and her son Jesse. Jesse was an only child, and really was, AN ONLY CHILD! In fact when I met him he was the only grandchild. He is two years younger than me, only 8 months younger than Kev. Dad really did his bit to give the whole blended family thing the old college try. We were encouraged to call Vicki, 'Mom' and Jesse called Dad, 'Dad'. We really bought into it. I had 2 brothers. I had 2 moms...Mom' in Saskatchewan' and 'Mom in BC'. Jesse even called my mom 'Mom' and spent half our summer holidays in Sask with us at her farm.

We weren't what you would call a "functional" family. Life was pretty volatile. Kev was not an easy child, to say the least, and Vicki struggled. Jesse took the brunt of a lot of it. Kev was being punished pretty much everyday, and it all got too much, and Kev moved back with my mom 4 years later. I think that it was good for a little while, but I was going through puberty, and was an UBER bitch. Jesse took the brunt of that one. I can remember not speaking to him for a full 2 weeks. I also remember teaching him to dance, and how to dress, helping with school stuff, but I do have some guilt for how I treated him. I have even more guilt for leaving him though. Two years after Kev moved to Sask with mom, I followed suit. Things weren't great for me socially, nor at home. Kev had got into trouble with drugs and the law, and I felt like I could help him by being there. My dad did not take it so well, and though I am sure that he would deny it, I know that he resented Jesse. Jesse was a bit of a dreamer. He was not quick and funny like Kevin and I are, and he was there while we were not. Things were pretty rough for my dear sweet boy after I left.

Fast forward nearly 20 years....Dad and Vicki have been separated for 15 years, and you realize the difference between real family and forced. Kev and Jess both have had battles with drugs and alcohol. Both have had a rough time with relationships. Jess is at the tail end of a failed marriage with, from my understanding, psycho controlling bitch from hell (no bias here!!). Kev and Jess have had sporadic contact over the years and recently Jess headed out to Sask to go on his first hunting trip with Kev. Kev made this video. The song is one of the many campfire songs that we sang growing up. Now altough this video initially overwhelmed my emotions, I couldn't help but wonder "How is it that I am related to these people?" I am a flippin vegeterian....Then the second part of the video plays out, and I see that at least we have sense of humour in common!! Sodomy with a shotgun is just plain frickin funny!!!

Just a Few More To Go...

2006-11-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

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GONE DADDY GONE

2006-11-06T13:32:00.000+08:00

I just received the email that he made it home safe and sound. Here I sit, reflecting on the visit where two of my worlds collided. We both made an effort to avoid the known problem areas, and make this visit good, and for the most part it was!! Dad really put his heart into it. He tried any food, went anywhere. He had one of my Chinese books with him, and if he wanted something he just pointed in his book. He had friends in the park by the time he left.

Halloween was a great night out!! I had people over here before we went out, so dad could have a few drinks with us. At about midnight we headed to the club. It is the biggest night of the year here. It is the night when people that don't normally go out, party hard!! It was a great night, I danced my ass off, and crawled into the house about 6:30 am, snuck upstairs just as I heard dad start to rise. I felt like I was in highschool again! Goodtimes!!!

Last week I took a few days off work and Pops and I toured the island. Some highlights and memorable moments:

Boarding the already packed train from the back, and beelining for two empty seats. I set my pack in the one seat and was making my way to the chair as this middle aged biotch slid in, and looked everywhere but at me! I was raging!!! What I should have done was pick up my pack and sit beside her, but I was too pissed to think. I called her a C*nt Face B*tch to her face, and stormed to the back to stand with my dad. Big pet peeve in this country...And sort of transportation. Survival of the fittest! Lots of pushing and eye contact avoidance. AARRGGHH!!
We stopped in a small town south of here to see the alleged 'largest seated Buddha'. He is big, and he is pretty hot!! Dad was snapping pictures like crazy and then slyly said to me "Do you know what we should do?" Being of the same genes, and childish sense of humour, I knew instantly "take pictures picking his nose" So we stood infront angled the camera just right, and picked Buddha's nose. At least we don't have to worry about going to hell!! Our biggest concern is that we may come back as a booger!! So mature, so much fun! Father daughter bonding moments!

We made our way to the East of Taiwan. It is beautiful!! Met up with D and L. D ran in the half marathon in the big gorge!! YAY DAVEY!! He did really well, so proud!! Dad bought a new wallet at the airport on our homeward leg. The four of us were sitting around the departures lounge and dad transfered his shit into his new wallet. We decided to see what would happen if we just set he empty old wallet down on a seat. Not a minute later, this Taiwanese guy circles around it like he has seen a suitcase strewn with wires, ticking like a cheap alarm clock. Without breaking a 10 foot radius, the guy goes and gets the security guard. The security guard picks it up with the tips of two fingers and peers in to see if there is anything in it. He then makes a grandiose show of carrying it across the lounge with arm outstretched as if someone had dropped a steaming log in it. We were trying so hard to keep a straight face, as tears streamed down my face!!

Yeah, overall...Great visit. It has left me a bit sad, and homesick for a home that I don't really have. But also, proud of the life that I have made for myself here. I got to show off my Chinese, and my students. He got to meet my friends, and see that I have a bit of a home away from home going on here. It is good to know that when I do finally leave this place, there are people close to me that have experienced this with me. Make it seem less like the strange dream that it will inevitably feel like.

My Dad Is Here!!!!

2006-10-23T10:13:00.000+08:00

Wow, time flies hey? It seems like just yesterday that my dad announced that he was finally going to leave his comfort zone and come visit me. It seemed like it was forever away, and now, he is here. I warned him before he came. Don't hate it for the crowds of people, the insane traffic, or the smoggy air. Those things are part of Taiwan, and if you can hate it for those reasons, you will hate it for sure. Look past those things and see the other side of the country that I have made my home.

His flight was due at 5:30 am Friday morning. That meant that I had to get on the bus to pick him up by 3:15. No sleep, a bit of dozing on the bus, a delayed flight, the family curse of being the last luggage on the carousel and we were on the bus home by 7. The first day was a bit of a blur for both of us. Neither of us had had much sleep and he was jet lagged. We did some walking, some dinner and early bed for him.

The jazz fest started on Saturday so we spent the day meeting up with random friends, and enjoying some music, food and beer. Yesterday we did some more walking and hit the art museum. I have lived here 2.5 years, live a 10 min walk, 3 min drive away from this FREE national art museum, and this was my first visit. Oops!!

I have taken the day off work today so we are hitting the gym right away. I have arranged a VIP membership for him while he is here, so he can join me, or at least run while I do yoga. Good times!

This weekend is the big Halloween party, and more jazz fest, so we are sticking around the city again. The following week I booked Wed, Thurs, Fri off work, so we will head over to the East coast of the island.

All else is good. Ex joined us in the park on Saturday night, it was his birthday, and he wanted to dad. It must be a bit weird for him. When we were in Canada we lived with Dad for a couple months, and Dad really opened up to him as family. I am glad that he made a point to come down and say hello to him! KF and I have been emailing a bit. I have dictated a pretty arms length tone, with long breaks between emails...I dont know what is worse, getting emails with professions of love that will go unfullfilled, or emails with a gaping whole where the love once was. It is not consuming though. I miss him, and had a moment of weakness emailing him when I was drunk (note to self: don't even check emails when I am drunk!! I wouldn't have written an unsolicited one, but he sent me one, so I obliged a reply) I don't think it was too much, I think I controlled myself, but I am pretty sure that I acknowledged that I was controlling myself. Ah well!!

Alright, that is a wee update, nothing too exciting....Off to play with pops!!

The Weekend That Wasn't

2006-10-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

So, imagine you work for this company. It is a dodgy, family run thing. Now there are a couple holidays coming up, and this year they happen to fall on a Friday and the following Tuesday. Lots of people have booked the Monday off, so they are kind of clamping down. You need the money anyway. Now imagine that the week before said holiday they decide that they don't want to work the monday either, so they call a holiday. They then realize that they may lose some productivity, so now imagine they tell you that you now have to work the following saturday!!!

Shitty hey? Well NOW imagine that this dodgy family company you work for, isnt a company, but the fucking government!!! Yes, a week before the freakin government calls a holiday, and the whole bloody country has to work the following saturday!! There was not a flight left, leaving this island, even before the 'decree'. Hotels, buses, and trains were booked within the island. A lady I work with was supposed to get married yesterday. She had to change her wedding, honeymoon, everything!!!

To top it off, my evening job decided to ignore the 'decree'. I had to work last monday night, and this saturday!!! Win-Win!! I could just see them sitting in there office the week before..."Hey, we could have a 5 day weekend here....I really don't want to come in for that one day....Hey, let's call a holiday, the peeps will really love us then...Oh, but we will lose a day's worth of money...Ok, well, let's just make every one work next weekend, they don't have lives...Cool!!!!" You would think they were running a dodgy family business rather than a government.....oh, right, they are!!

And So I Wait

2006-09-25T21:10:00.000+08:00

I told him that I love him. I told him that he is with me at all times. I told that I can't do it anymore. I can't hold on to a ghost anymore. I cannot sit and wait for that inescapbable heartbreak. For the days to turn to weeks, the weeks to months. To wonder why he didnt say I love you on that last call, to wonder if the friend he is going for drinks is the the girl that will help him get over me.

I also told him that we have a choice. At the end of this year we are both relatively unrestricted. We could, if we wanted, decide to be in the same place. Our fate is not predestined, it is a choice either way.

I also told him that whatever happens, whatever he feels he is capable of right now, I am certain of his love for me. I am not certain that we have what it takes to make it in the real world, but I would forever regret not trying. I need to know at the end of the day, that I did what I could to have our chance. If he can't jump, if he is not ready though, I need to step back. I need to let go of him, and I need him to let go of me.

He emailed me back almost immediately. He told me that he is loading up the moving van to drive from Oxford to Cardiff, and register for Uni later today. He told me that he needs some time to sort through his thoughts and feelings and write me back properly. He told me he loves me.

My heart has been racing for 12 hours straight. I don't know which scares me more, him saying yes, he is ready to take this leap of faith, or no, he is not. One is an upheaval of my plans, my future, the other is an upheaval of my heart. I don't know what he will say. I suspect that he is not ready for this, but I am prabably, in part anyway, trying to prepare myself for the worst.

And so I wait...

Working for the Mob

2006-09-22T19:04:00.000+08:00

No, really!! Organized crime is a big part of life in Taiwan. The police collect "donations" from small businesses. Schools regularly slip newspapers, with envelopes in them, to the police to turn a blind eye for infractions. Prostitution is illegal, but 'special' KTVs (karaoke) bars are run by people that pay the right people. Well it seems that organized crime has felt the need to diversify...Into kindergartens. The head hancho guy at my school (I have only seen him twice) also owns one of the biggest 'special' KTVs in town.

My friend was on a field trip with her students, one of which was the grandson of the founder of my school. As they drove by the aforementioned bling bling KTV the grandson looks up and says "My grandpa's office is in there!" Smirks on the teachers all around. Another student looks thoughtful for a moment and remarks "My mommy says that, that is a bad place to go." Grandson shrugs and they move on to another topic. My friend could hardly contain herself, and neither could I when she told me.

The Little Things

2006-09-06T16:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to be a teacher. I mean, I know I am good at it, and I adore the kids. It is just that sometimes I question if my maturity is at a level that I should be put in charge of forming these young minds. I am pretty sure that they are more mature than me sometimes.

The student in the picture is Steven. He is not the brightest, most well behaved boy but he is FULL of love. He can be in trouble one minute and giving you cuddles the next. No grudges here. He is cute even in his naughtiness. He is not sneaky or mean, he is a bit of a typhoon; loud, and enthusiastic.

As you can see, he has the chubbiest cheeks on any asian child I have seen. I have wanted to bite them since I laid eyes on him. Today he was sitting on my lap giving me a cuddle I told him that I wanted to bite his cheeks. He laughed and told me that his dad always bites his chin. Feeling slightly less wierd, I asked if I could bite his cheeks. He laughed and said no. "Pleeeaaase Steven, can I bite your cheek?" A lightbulb went off and a confident grin crossed his face. "You can bite me if I can have a candy." Deal!!

It was the most satisfying thing I have done in ages!!!

Later that afternoon I caught him in his school bag eating animal crackers. We have a strict rule about bringing treats to school unless they are to share. Being as they are my favorite, I asked for an animal cracker. When he said no I told him if he didnt I would tell Teacher Ella (my Chinese Teacher). I got my animal cracker and had a good laugh about it with Teacher Ella later.

What kind of example am I ??? At least I am having fun!!

edit: This morning I walked into class. Steven wrapped himself around my leg and said, in his best English "Teacher, you can use my this [pointing at his cheek] if you give me one more candy" I managed to resist, but we will see how the afternoon goes!!

They use the word use anytime they dont know the correct verb. Often you hear students.."Teacher, Jimmy used me here!!"

Drivel

2006-09-03T20:33:00.000+08:00

The irony of it, when I have the time to post, I don't have anything to post about. The weeks fly by here. I live in the land of perpetual Friday. A good thing in theory, but it makes for a frightening time warp!!

This week was spent working a lot. This semester I have a homeroom class at my kindergarten. I see the same 15 monsters everyday, all day. I taught them a few times a week last semester, but in the month I have been a homeroom teacher I have gotten so much closer. They are so sweet sometimes it makes my heart ache!! They range in age from 4-6 and their level of english is pretty good and improving fast. The other day one of my students told the rest of the class to "zip it". They are such sponges!!

It has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, that has left me flat. KF sorted out his mobile, so we have been texting as he tours Europe. I am going to need to talk to him once he gets back to real life. We are going to have to either step back or decide to work towards something. Daily communication with profesions of love without any sort of promise is reeking havoc on me. When I do go a day without a text my imagination kicks in; some cute funny hippy chick- a great distraction in effort to get over the girl you left behind. And the thing is, he has every right to do that. If he was just some friend, it would be the course of action I would reccomend...aaarrgghh!!

In other news, the gang is all back. Dave had gone to the Gili Islands for 6 weeks. He returned in time for Leah to leave for Canada for nearly 6 weeks. Lisa is finally back from her 2 month trip home, too. Looking forward to having my people around me again!!

So yeah, that is my drivel for the week. I'll work on a more exciting week for my next post!!

Deep Breaths!!

2006-08-26T15:38:00.000+08:00

A long time, I know!! Some computer problems, some getting my life back in order, and wrapping my head around what has happened to me problems...But I'll start where I left off:

The Trip

The north of Thailand is beautiful. It is a whole other world from Bangkok and the Islands. It was such a contrast to any holiday I have ever been on. It was It was chill and romantic, fun and healthy. It was 2 weeks in those grey/blue eyes. I found a good yoga studio and did yoga every night while he was doing his Thai boxing. I slept in in the mornings and the afternoons were spent chilling in cafes, doing crossword puzzles, exploring wats, diving through the mountains, watching movies, making love, lying in parks, grinning stupidly at each other, waxing philosophical, and of course a lot of great food. I fell in love with him everyday.

The airport for my return was like one of those scenes in a movie, you know the ones; heart string pulling music, watching it you would leaving your feeling manipulated but bawling your eyes out. Cut to a montage of intimate, silly, peaceful moments. Cut back to the crying couple, holding each other like it may be the last time; because it probably is. He didn't let me go, I had to pull away. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Homecoming

Being back here has been surreal. I had a life here. A life I loved. Now it has a gaping chasm where he existed for such a short time. How do you return to earth after your heart has soared? While he was still in Thailand we indulged in a lot of self pity. He was alone and my absence hit him harder than he expected. In comparison to my life with him in it, my returning life was grey and empty.

Since his return to the Europe 2 weeks ago I have made a conscious effort to pull my head out of my ass. Back to yoga and the gym, getting my house in order (unpacking), emotionally investing back in my present life.

It has been getting easier in some ways. Thinking of him, generally, warms and comforts me. But I fucking miss him soooo much sometimes!!! We both agree that our lives are better for 'us'. I am forever changed for having him in my heart. But where I am at now, is how do I let go? How do I move on? I don't want to. I know that it is better to have loved and lost blah blah blah, but the loss wasn't for anything else than geography and timing. We didn't get our chance. I want our chance.

He called the other day. His voice gave me goosebumps. He is in France with him mom, the start of a 4 country tour of Europe before he starts grad school in October. His program is a year long. I am here for a year. I can't help but entertain thoughts about 'after that'. But for the most part it is just fantasy. He is young, we were always temporary, he is not in a place in his head/life to go there. I don't know that I am prepared to take the giant leap that would be required for us to be together. And really, at the end of the day, it is not even on the table. I know he loves me like I have never been loved before, but I don't think he is quite as obliging to his fantasy life as I am to mine.

So here I sit, in love and alone; but honestly not as sad and pathetic as this post makes out!!

One Night In Bangkok

2006-07-15T19:59:00.000+08:00

Ok, so three, but it doesnt sing as nicely. I have 10 minutes of internet left, so this is a quickie!!

Arrived late last night, caught the bus in. Met some guys on the bus, so after we hit Koh Sahn we washed up, and met for a couple drinks. Planned to be in bed early, but it was 3 by the time I crawled in with my street vendor pad thai-the best pad thai ever!!

This morning I went for a fruit shake (mmmm fruit shakes). Ran into some girl from Manitoba, near where my mom lives. She had EVERYTHING of importance stolen out of her bag. Her friend had put her stuff in with hers so they were SCREWED!!! ID, money, reservations, credit cards, bank cards, passports...EVERYTHING! Travel trip 101: keep your important stuff safe, and don't keep all your money in one place and DONT keep your AND whoever you are travelling with's important stuff together. Despite the fact that her behaviour was utterly moronic, I gave her some money and bought her a fruit shake.

Tried to curb the shopping as Chaing Mai is much cheaper. Managed to keep myself down to 3 skirts and a bag. Pretty good.

Lounged by the pool for awhile this afternoon. I splurged on a nicer place this time, usually I do the shared bathroom budget, but this trip is special. I have to say though, altough I do love Bangkok for all its shit, I have an anxiousness about me. I feel like I am so close and I just want to be there, with him. An excersise in patience is a good thing for me though!

I am off to get waxed and pedicured, and maybe a bit of a massage!! Then I will hunt down a green curry. I love this country!!!

Almost

2006-07-09T16:40:00.000+08:00

Well, he is gone now. I am not nearly as sad as I expected...But maybe I am more sad. He is going to Thailand for a month long Thai boxing camp before he goes to England. I was supposed to go to Vietnam at next week for my holiday, but he has asked me to come to Chiang Mai, and I am going. He has only been gone two days, and I am still sifting through the rubble of my life trying to make sense of it. I went hard, it went fast. It was unexpected and beautiful.

A Meeting of the Minds

When KF's ex-girlfriend left I bought her mountain bike off her. It took he and I months to finally hook up for the exchange, and when we did it was this amazing conversation. He started to call, and come around. I felt pursued, but not in a romantic way. I have since told him that I found his intentions a bit confusing back then. I loved our conversations, but we really were the "most coupley non-couple, ever". He said that he was confused at the time too. He wasn't looking to get involved with anyone, but could not stay away. These conversations were really amazing. Both of us have expressed that even if we had never "got involved" we would both look back on our friendship and that period of time as special.

A Meeting of the Bodies

Well, we all know how the first one happened... And then went bad. But he made amends for his fuck up, and we were better friends for it. Our Non-couple status was taken to a new level. We pretty much did everything together, except that. We watched movies in my bed. We cooked dinner together. We went out drinking. Where I was invited, so was he. We didn't bother to send each other the group texts rallying a group to go out, because we were both in on the planning. Then one Thursday night, just like any other night in my mind, we went out drinking together. At the end of the night he walked me half way home and kind of announced that we should be together tonight, and should it be my place or his? I twitched, I stuttered, I did my indecision dance. He hopped up on a car to watch the show with a cheeky glint in his eye. I told him, no...I was not willing to risk him fucking up again. I liked us, it was too good, and not worth putting in jeopardy for a shag. I liked this...But I also liked 'this' and kissed him. He assured me that he too liked us, and would not fuck it up this time. We shagged all night, and called in sick Friday and shagged all day. And spent the weekend together. The next week he spent everynight but one at my house...

A Meeting of the Hearts

KF has some emotional stuff that he opened up to me. I have some emotional stuff that I opened up to him. I am sure the fact that he was leaving made it safer to open up. But whatever the reasons, we opened up; no guards, no games.The next week was intense and wonderful. Friday night was his birthday party. Lying in bed the next morning, reflecting on the night; the people that had touched him in Taiwan, the people he was going to miss. He rolled over and told me he was going to miss me. He also told me something else. I was shocked. I come from a past of not saying it, knowing it, but not saying it. I, again, stuttered, thought for a moment, and said it back. I felt it. It was true. I love him. He is not even the same person I met a year ago. He is amazing and sensitive, sooo intelligent, and thoughtful. He has touched my life. I am forever changed for him. He has rejuvenated my faith in love, and raised the bar. I thank the universe for bringing him into my life

In five days I fly to Bangkok. I am spending three days there decompressing before I fly up north to see him. I am going to take some yoga classes, and a Thai cooking course. We are going to see what we are like outside this fishbowl named Taiwan. After two weeks I will fly back here. He will fly back to England to take his Masters. I will move on with my life, and he will move on with his. Who knows what the future holds. In my heart of hearts I don't believe that he and I are going to 'work out' or end up together, but I have been wrong before. The thing is, it doesn't matter. Right now, I love and am loved!

2006-06-20T16:19:00.000+08:00

and I quote....

"He is gone in just over a month, and the way things are between us, if we had more rounds, it would be getting into 'something'. Something I am not ready to get into."

More rounds. Something. Not ready. Oops!

Scary. Amazing. Whirlwind. Butterflies. LOVE. fleeting.

2 weeks and 3 days til he is out of my life. I am going to be gutted. REALLY gutted. I just got on the most amazing rollercoaster, that with the crash in plain sight. What a fucking ride!!

What's Up?

2006-05-22T12:30:00.000+08:00

Life rolling on smoothly. It all feels like it is coming together so well, even though nothing is really coming together. I love my job, I have some truely amazing friends, I am doing yoga pretty much everyday, and running a couple times a week too. I adore my dog, I love my house. It is just all good right now.

Things with KF are, well, not; in 'that' way anyway. The week after he got a bit twitchy, but recognized it, acknowleged it, and took me out for drinks to apologize. We have been hanging out a lot, and I think I am at the point where more rounds is not a good idea. He is gone in just over a month, and the way things are between us, if we had more rounds, it would be getting into 'something'. Something I am not ready to get into. But it is really good as it is. We have a lot of fun together, I am really enjoying spending time with him.

This past weekend I had one of my more classy moments!! Saturday was a food fest right near my house. A bunch of the restaurants in town set up booths, and there was live music, and lots of drinks. It was great atmosphere, there were so many foriegners you could almost forget where you were. So yeah, drinks were flowing before we set off to Grooveyard,the local grounds for live music. By this point I was getting...I think hammered is the best term here. Nature called so I made my way to the toilet...as I have mentioned before, public toilets here are usually squatters. As drunk as I was I thought it best to put my hand back on the door for balance. As I pushed my weight back to stand up I realized the classy way that the door was not latched properly and I fell backwards out of the stall. Luckily no one was out there, and I managed to scrub my hands (I touched the bathroom floor, eeewww!) and get out before the person in the stall next to me got out! I now have the most unusual bruise on my thumb that I think you can only get by falling out of a bathroom stall! Ironicly, as worried as I was that someone saw, I told everyone I met that night what I did, and here I am writing about it!! The night carried on to several more clubs, lots of dancing with some friends that I am just getting to know better. The kind of friends I want to get to know better!

Yesterday Dave, Rainbow, Anday, KF and I took PaoPao out of town to a waterfall in the mountains. Dave and Anday had been there before last summer, but it was my first. It was spectacular. It just felt sooo good to be out of the city, and in clean air. PaoPao went bonkers. She was leaping around like a deer, biting the water and rolling in the shrubs. I didnt attemt the cliff jump. Not out of fear of the jump, I was actually adrenaline rushing watching the boys, but because the only way up was scaling up the rocks with a rope to pull youself up. I was almost resigned to give it a try when this Chinese chick attempted to get back up and couldnt. After over half an hour of her boyfriend basicly pulling her up I was convinced I would not be THAT girl. I hate that I would not do something I love for fear of looking like an idiot, but I am just that vain! Movies and take out with Dave, Leah and KF last night completed a lovely weekend!

A Week In the Life Of an ESL Teacher

2006-05-12T16:48:00.000+08:00

A lot of people in Taiwan, I would venture as far as to say most, don't like teaching. It is what they do because it affords them the lifestyle, the escape, the money the travel; whatever. I love teaching, I love kids. I really love my job. There is the down side, as with everything. But on a day to day basis, I love my job. I am good at my job. A few months ago I started at a new school and it is going great. I am so grateful to my housemate Lisa for introducing me to this school.

Right now I am a 'floating' kindie teacher. This means that I teach a few different classes over the week. The classes that don't have a foriegn homeroom teacher are cheaper that the ones that do. These are the classes that I teach. My boss and I were talking about what would happen next year. What level do I want to teach etc.. I definitely want a homeroom. I want "my class". I love knowing almost every child in the school, but I want to teach the same kids everyday..all day. I want to see my influence...and it is an easier job:) The kids get playground, ballroom, chinese, art etc, where I won't have to teach. Anyway, my boss told me this week that some of my students parents have said that they will pay the extra money for a homeroom class, if I am the homeroom teacher next year!! wooohooo!!! How good does that look?? As well, the chinese teacher of the class that said this is my favourite teacher. I expressed that I would like to work with her next year, and she has requested to work with me too!!! yay!! The relationship with your chinese teacher can really make or break your job atmosphere! I have heard horror stories!

I am slightly torn though...I love the babies. They hug and cuddle and tell me that I am beautiful, and that they love me. They are so adorable sometimes that it makes my heart ache. But I really like teaching the grade 1 classes in the afternoon. They are that little bit older, in real school, and a much better english level. I can tease them, joke with them, have fun, have conversations. In one class I have these twins, Roy and Leo. They crack me up. The are these stocky little nuggets, naughty and cheeky as hell, but clever and really big weaknesses of mine. Second last class of the week I was teaching them 'as...as' comparisons. As cold as ice, as hot as the sun...they were getting it! I was getting excited. I was shouting out adjectives and they were throwing back the comparisons. "Yeah, yeah, good job guys....As hungry as...?"

"Roy!" pipes up Leo from the back of the room.

The chinese teacher and I were crying we were laughing so hard! Great end to the week!

For Everything Gained...

2006-05-05T20:21:00.000+08:00

I rocked up to a new tea place to order my "I don't have time to eat today" tea; pearl/bubble (little balls of black starch) milk tea. The following conversation happened completely in Chinese.

What do you want to drink?
Pearl milk tea, half sugar.
Small or large?
Large.
Do you want ice in that?
A little bit of ice.
Do you want the big pearl or the small pearls?

this one stumped me for a sec, and she repeated the question in response to my confused look. Just when she started to look around for someone to help her, I realized that I understood what she was saying...

I know!! I understand! I want small pearls.
Your chinese is very good!
no, no, it is very bad
no, it is very good, my english is very bad
I can understand a little bit, but my speaking is very bad
no, no, you're chinese is very good, you are expression meaning "good, smart, etc"
expression meaning "I accept your compliment but don't agree with it".
are you a teacher?
yes, I am an english teacher. I don't need a bag (for my tea which was now ready)

I walked away feeling proud as punch about the exchange. It is a similiar exchange to the ones I have daily, but this on flowed well and was all the more profound in light of the following exchange.

I was subbing for Leah and eating some crackers at break time. One fo the students asked for one of my cookies. It is a pet peeve of mine that all Taiwanese people call crackers cookies so I went into the long explaination how cookies are sweet, and have lots of sugar. Crackers are not sweet, and have less sugar.

Two minutes later my student burst back into the room and asked:

Teacher, you say what cookies don't want sugar?

without flinching or blinking or thinking twice

crackers

What is happening to me? Arrgggh! And I am here to teach these people! The following is a forward that is cirulating around Taiwan right now, I have selected the ones that most aply to me, or those around me!

You know you have been in Taiwan Too Long When...

You can order the entire McDonald's menu in Chinese (well the only thing that I eat there)

Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why.

You look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.

You see 3 people on a scooter and figure there's room for 2 more.

You stop conjugating verbs.

Firecrackers don't wake you up.

Beer really isn't so expensive. (often cheaper than water)

You often slow down and look both ways before driving through red lights.

"A", "an" and "the" aren't necessary parts of speech.

You know which place has the best noodles and duck meat at 3AM

You speak Chinese to your foreign friends.

Forks feel funny.

Over half of your wardrobe and appliances were purchased at outdoor markets.

You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for"Go away & leave me alone."

You stare at other foreigners.

Most meaningful conversations take place in doorways or on scooters

It's been at least 18 months since you used the word "tacky" todescribe anything.

250cc is a REALLY BIG motorcycle. (mine is concered big, and it weighs in at a 125cc)

The main reason you stop at 7-11 is to buy tea eggs.(it is what I had for dinner tonight!)

You say "thank you" at least 6 times for everything.

You're very concerned about not losing face. above exchange, all about face...no, no, my chinese is bad, your english is so good!

The words "Ice Cream" never enter your head when you hear the garbage truck.

You stop calling the Guinness Book of Records people each time youkill a giant cockroach.

Given a choice, you would rather squat than sit.

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS!!!

2006-04-30T14:26:00.000+08:00

It started as any other mad party night in Taichung. I went to yoga and picked up burritos for Dave, Leah, KF (Cd making boy) and I. KF and I set out to Freedom bar for Anday and Rainbow's birthday party. We were both a little nervous. 500nt for all you can drink...bound to get messy. This is the same venue that skull holding, ex confessing, inadvertantly being hit on, wierdness a couple weeks back. No good usually comes from all you can drink.

As the night escalates I have to carry one friend to a taxi and send her home, KF and I walk another friend home before we hit the club. This is where I get the feeling something might be up with KF, but can't be sure, we are holding hands and dancing, but this is normal drunk behaviour. I never really thought of him 'that way' until the week before. I met him when he was with his ex, and I with mine. They had a messy break up, I only heard her side and it left a pretty poor impression. My previous annoyance with him stemmed, for the most part, from this, and the fact that ex never really liked him.

The week before we hung out all day Sunday and I suddenly fancied the pants off him! He does Kung Fu (hence KF) and has this wicked, lean, muscual body. We were playing with that religion survey from my previous post and laughing till we cried. I told Leah that I could crawl all over him, and she observed that he probably could take it...turns out she was right!

We end up at mine, standing at the door smiling at each other. Out of the haze of the night I remember looking at him and saying "are you going to do it, or am I?" He laughs and leans in, grabs the back of my neck and kisses me hard. We practically run upstairs.

We woke up, round 2, slept, round 3, talking, giggling. I was curious how he would make his exit. I am certainly not looking for something serious with him, as I was sure neither was he. He didnt leave. We ordered pizza and watched movies in bed, rounds 4 and 5. By 11 last night his contacts were making his eyes look like he had been smoking copious amounts of weed, so he made his exit with a kiss and a smile. No ackwardness, just nice....YAY!!!

I had made plans with Leah and another friend last night so I had sent a" sorry, I can't make it as I have a naked boy in my bed that wants to watch movies and shag all day" text. I was feeling a bit bad as I am not one to ditch for boys, but this does not happen in Taichung. This place is not normal, and rather than any hostility, my girls regailed me with many words of encouragement!

After KF left I stepped over to Dave and Leah's. When Dave could finally look me in the eye he queued up his "boom chica boom" playlist that he downloaded all day for me....'She bangs', 'Taking Care of Business' , etc hahaha.

Am grinning like a freakin idiot today. Ex is no longer the last person I was with (yes it has been 8 months!), No standards were lowered and no self respect harmed in the making of this post!!!!!!!! Mwa hahahahaha!!

"Procraaaaas-tination Time - COME ON!!"

2006-04-23T14:54:00.000+08:00

I love the internet!!! I could NEVER write this exam!!!

No surprises
here: Belief-O-Matic

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)

2. New Age (98%)

3. Unitarian Universalism (96%)

4. Mahayana Buddhism (90%)

5. Liberal Quakers (87%)

6. Theravada Buddhism (78%)

7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%)

8. New Thought (69%)

9. Taoism (66%)

10. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (65%)

11. Secular Humanism (65%)

12. Scientology (65%)

13. Reform Judaism (53%)

14. Bahá'í Faith (50%)

15. Hinduism (46%)

16. Jainism (46%)

17. Orthodox Quaker (45%)

18. Sikhism (42%)

19. Nontheist (35%)

20. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (28%)

21. Jehovah's Witness (28%)

22. Orthodox Judaism (26%)

23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (24%)

24. Seventh Day Adventist (17%)

25. Islam (15%)

26.Eastern Orthodox (11%)

27. Roman Catholic (11%)

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

2006-04-17T21:57:00.000+08:00

OK OK OK!!!

Saturday morning - T minus 0 sleeps, we pack up our bags and four of the country mice (Dave, Leah, Lisa and I; no longer a bubble-they pop. now we are but a circle!)hop a train to the big city. A bit of shopping (new Douglas Coupland book-yay!!), a visit to Taipei 101 (tallest building in the world for those who didnt know; I didnt until I got here!), a hairwash, some pizza and back to our hostel dorm to hook up with the rest of our mice. (nine of us in total) Some primping, some preening, some comfortable shoes; ready for a night of dancing.

On the way to the venue some love enhancing drugs were consumed. As we walked in we were all taken aback. I knew that this was supposed to be around 5000 people, but I didnt have the best idea of what that would look like. Nor did I have any preconceptions of the venue. It was huge, and packed and full pretty lights and LASERS (yes LAZUUURS). Much like cuz I have never been the biggest techno/trance/electronica fan. I am of the school that if you aren't hitting it out on an actual musical instrument and preferably writing it yourself, then it isnt really your music. But, especially after last Saturday, I will concede that there is some talent to the layering and mixing of sounds, not to mention the manipulation of the mood of the crowd!

The opening acts were great. Good music, lots of LASUUURS, fire shows, hot little dancers shakin there thang's, and some pretty amazing vocalists mixed in. The drugs started to kick in, and the love started to flow..."no YOU are the best!!" "NO, I love YOU" It was a great mix of people, and even the taiwanese people strung out on K, strewn around the stadium couldn't ruin our vibe! Dave was like a small child on Christmas Eve"We are at Tiesto-look, it's Tiesto" He warmed my heart, watching him. The boy has been a Tiesto fan pretty much as long as I have known him (and I have mocked him for it for about as long) He was the mastermind-heart and soul, behind the collosal field trip!

Tiesto went on at about 1:30, and I was flying by this point! I danced my non-exsistent ass off!!He worked the crowd for 3 solid hours, and when the lights went on at about 5, I was NOT ready to call it a night!! This was when the K freaks annoyed me-rumour has it that Tiesto will do 3-6 hour sets, but when a good portion of your crowd is (literally) sprawled out in the middle of the floor I guess you are not all that compelled to play on! It really does not strike me as a real party drug!

Amongst the many new friends we made that night, we found some people from Taipei that were heading to an after hours bar. I didnt leave the dance floor (as I do) but some of the other girls had had enough by about 6:30, so back to the hostel we went.

A couple hours of buzzy sleep, a bit more shopping and we were back to the country we went. Sunday and Monday I was a complete E-tart, but the night was worth it! I don't partake often, but when you save up for a big night like that it makes it worthwhile. A BIG night it was! For other perspecives of it, and some pics check out Dave and Leah. I am still loving my friends, Taiwan, my life!! This weekend will definitely be a quiet one though! I am getting too old for this shit!

A Whole New Me!!!

2006-04-09T13:57:00.000+08:00

Hey kids! I would like to welcome you all to my new and improved blog - I'm a Rainbow Take Two!! Not sure what happened to the old one...aparently I am the victim of some 'bug' in the template...but I had to give myself a new address too! I would like everyone to join me in unision with a "Thank you Leah!!!" Without whom none of this would have been possible-you really are the whiz, cuz!!

As Meghan pointed out, I even missed my one year blog anniversary! Let's just say that at my one year juncture I wanted to give you all a chance to look back and reflect on the past year (cause I don't give you ample opportunity at the best of times). But I am back, and aren't I pretty!!!

Life in Taichung has been great! We have joined a new yoga studio and have been going obsessively. Seasons are changing and we are getting a taste of the heat to come. Pao Pao and I were in the park this morning and I noticed that even my ass was sweating! Oh, summer in Taiwan!! I MUST get my a/c fixed ASAP or I am in big trouble!

I want relate my past weekend cause it was truely the strangest weekend I had in a LONG time!!

Friday night I went to KTV with some work people. Everyone else had ditched out, so it was just Carl and I joining all the Chinese teachers. It was good fun, we butchered a few songs, danced and laughed. At 10 they all announced it was time to go home. Some were getting calls from their mother's. ooookaaay...Carl and I were just getting going so we met up with some mates of mine for a birthday party at a 500 for all you can drink place. Ex and his new girl were there, along with quite a few goodfriends!

Later in the night this girl who was obviously good friends with ex and new girl sat down beside me. She was hammered and started talking about men in Taiwan. I mentioned that I had moved here with my ex. She came out with a very classy "what, did he get a taste of that Taiwanese pussy" Nooo, actually you know him. Turns out she is new girl's flatmate and bestfriend. Her reaction was the really strange part. She was dumbfounded that I had dated ex. Couldnt see us together at all (me either). But her reasoning...."you are just so sexy, and have such a presence, Ex is really good guy, great guy, but I can't imagine you with him...." blah blah blah! This is his new girlfriend's best friend!!!!! Poor girl!

To top off her night Ex cornered me in his drunken stupor to tell me that he still loved me, thinks about me everyday, I am the most important person to him in Taiwan, I am his girl....NOOOOOO! I am NOT your girl. You have a girl, and I am not it. I don't want to be your girl anymore. I loved you, and grieved you and got over you. You can't do this to me!!!! You can't do this to her! Selfish bastard. He had no clue that he was saying anything wrong...even said stuff like "I know I should tell you these things more often, but it is hard' NO you shouldnt tell me these things! I ended up walking away, having a wee teary moment in the bathroom, where Rainbow found me, said all the right things, gave me a hug and went out to the bar that Ex had left.

End of the night, bar clearing out- I see a white guy being dragged out while a taiwanese guy wielding a broken beer pitcher is held back . I go out, chuckling at the testosterone drama, to see the white guy covered in blood. He had messed with gansters and got smashed in the head with a bottle. Everyone was FREAKING OUT!! The guy had been a prick, but he was soooo scared. He was yelling for someone to hold his scalp together. I got some napkins from the bar and looked him square in the eyes. People were screaming, crying, yelling-general panic and mahem - just what a bleeding guy needs. "Look at me, you are ok! It looks worse than it is, Yes I promise! Don't listen to them, listen to me!" He held my gaze for all his life and I continued to talk him down while telling crying, screaming girl to fuck off, until his mates and ambulance came.

When I found my friends they said I looked like I had been out masacring kittens, so they cleaned me up and we moved on to another bar. As the sun was coming up I was talking to a boy that I have been flirting with for a long time (remember "ravishing"?) He suggested we go sit down, and I said that it had been a REALLY long night and I was going to lay down. He got out his keys and told me that he needed to be outside his apartment by ten thirty. I told him goodluck and went to find a taxi with a friend. As I was walking away he called out to me, when I turned around he just said goodnight. It wasnt until I woke up that I realized he thought he was going home with me. I am SO dumb. I am not going home with anyone with that little effort, but I didnt even realize it was on the table until I woke up!

So, yeah, that was my wierd and wacky friday night. Saturday night had me out until 11 am Sunday morning watching people do lines of K. Super interesting sociological study!! I dable recreationally in some drugs, but that is one that hold NO appeal for me, but it was great fun to watch!!

This weekend was much tamer. Yoga, meal out with the girls, bit of dancing! Good night's sleep! I have dedicated Sunday to playing on my new blog! I hope you are all well-I did some drunk commenting last night, so I will have to go back and make sure they are at least coherant and not offensive!

Happy Sunday everyone!!

Chessy Pet Post!

2006-03-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

For Trueborn:

"It's as common as something that nobody knows, that her beauty will follow wherever she goes Up the hill in the back of the house in the woods. She'll love me forever, I know"

Last month was her one year birthday, next month is our one year anniversary together (Puppy Love). And there is my girl; all growed up!! "Pao Jao Ju" Bubble Toes in Chinese...best known as just Pao Pao.

It is funny, the timing of the request of this post; ever since I returned from the Philippines, I have been overwhelmed with love for this creature on a daily basis. I remember always having the sensation of loving her so much that my heart was going to burst, but I know that today is so much more than yesterday, and so much more than last week.

We have ironed out some of the behavioural kinks and I am left with my loving, friendly, neurotic, needy, satified dog!

When she curls up beside you and life is good, or you sneak up to her when she is sleeping and nesltle your nose into her, and ,well, just about anytime she is chilled and happy she lets out this low satisfied moan/sigh. What makes it funnier is that I am a sigher, it runs in the family.

I don't know what I do to pets to make them so needy, but I had a cat that was the same way. No shyness with new people either, just big love whores!! "Oh, you want to pet me and love me? Well, I love you, I love you, I love you!!!"

The fortunate exception with Pao Pao is strangers coming into the house. Friends of ours, just around the corner were broken into. Nothing stolen, just perving I think. It is a bit of a phenomenon here. Taiwanese guys following Wai Goran women, never touching and rarely talking, but having a bit of a wank. A few cases have been home invasion while they slept kinda thing...ewww! It not common, but everyone knows a couple girls it has had some sort of creepy experience. Anyway, my girl has a nice big nasty bark for strangers coming up the stairs-especially chinese people for some reason.

Also fortunate in this case, is many Chinese people's seemingly innate fear of all dogs-especially black ones!! Walking down the street I have had people cross the street, shield their children and shriek at the sight of her. I openly mock them now. She is on a short leash and is as placid looking dog as I have ever seen...anyway, nice in the home!!

The few Chinese people that do not fear her, LOVE her. She is the most beautiful dog they have ever seen-I think this is only in contrast to the malnutritioned, ungroomed, neglected dogs that are usually seen on the streets of Taiwan. Apparently she is some purebred indiginous Taiwanese breed. Bwahaha!!! I got her from the humane society! Although they marvel at her when I bring her by the park some Sundays. She surpassed the size of her mother months ago...amazing what nutrition, excercise and love can do!!

Anyway, there is my cheesy pet post. I love her to bits as she groans at my feet here! I am well, very well! (not dead Bevis!)

Have You Seen My Spark?

2006-03-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

I was going to post about the boss and ex...but it has turned into a non-issue. The boss almost gave some of my hours to the ex. I quit. She came sucking up, saying all the right things, offering more money and the hours I want. As well as alieveated some work visa pressure. So two times a week in the evenings, I work at the same school as ex does. He applied and got a job at my old job. I don't think that I will be working with him often. I think that is for the best....but I don't want to talk about him, or why he came to my school of all the schools in this bloody county. I don't want to talk about her, why she thought that it would be ok to announce that I would no longer be needed one night a week because my ex wanted those hours....but what do I want to talk about?

Where has my mind been lately. My post holiday manicness has subsided, but I am still happy. I feel like I am bobbling along alright. Nothing exciting and new, but nothing dreadful and bad. I am lacking a bit of spark right now. I wonder if it is something as simple as the fact that I don't even have a crush right now. Am I that superficial that my life becomes a bit flat without a potential love interest. The rainbow is still a bit of a crush, but he is more a crush in theory than reality. I had a crush on him when I was with ex, so he is more just a fun crush. I have been persued as of late by a boy that has not made my blog yet. We have hung out 4 days out of the last 7. Although there has been nothing physical he did make me a mix CD. I am not sure how I feel about him, nor what is the intention of his persuit. Up until recently my strongest emotion towards him had been annoyance...but this past week we have had a really good time and I am enjoying him immensly....but no big sparks, so I am just going with the flow.

Maybe it is the weather. It has been cold and dreary. I have tried to embrace it knowing the stiffling heat is immenent...but it is SO cold! Not cold like Canada cold...but raining, wet, driving a scooter, houses and schools without insolation or heaters, I just wanna curl up on the couch with my fuzzy blanket and dog and watch movies and drink tea, cold.

Maybe is is because I am behind on my online course and having trouble finding the motivation to get at it. I keep meaning to, but I am just having trouble finding the focus. The final paper is due, like this week and I havent even started it!!! ARRG!

Maybe it is just a post manic flat. I think it is probably a combination of all of them. When I think about my life, I smile. I am happy. I wouldnt change anything...but going through the motions of the day is a bit of a struggle today! I will force myself to the gym this afternoon, and get a good nights sleep tonight. Tomorrow is another day!

2006-02-17T16:14:00.000+08:00

Look at me....two posts in a week!! Woohoo! How are you all going to keep up? hahaha

I have an hour to kill between jobs, and nothing specific to say, so it will be a bit of a ramble; (that semi colon was for you bevis..still working on that tag!) not that my posts are usually anything but!

Still pretty blissed out about life. My new job has its shit, but it is shit I understand. Working in Taiwan you see this whole other side of business, that really seems illogical to the western mind! The school that I am at now is very established with many waigoran (foriegn) teachers. They are more accustomed to the whims of the westeren worker than most schools here. And man, I love the kids!! I have agreed to stay on at my old school for two nights a week, and she has agreed to give me more money...win-win really!

Ex is trying to get a job at this school-he has subbed for me there before. My boss very thoughtfully came to me and asked how I would feel about this (something ex wouldnt think of doing). I told her that it was fine as long as there stuff remained between them. I didnt want to play go-between for them, and she agreed. It really is fine too. We went for lunch and he sought advice and counsel-as he does. I was left wondering what how I ever thought that he was 'the one'. I understand why I was with him, and I have no regrets there! But what I don't understand, is the delusion that there was something BIG there. He could never have lived up to the image of him I had created. I almost feel bad for him, because I think he had known this for quite awhile.

The only 'pang' I had was when I teased him for being hung over on a weekday, and he replied "Well, it was Valintines Day". Now, I don't regret missing out on the grandious romantic gesture of "hey baby, let's go get pissed. I'll buy the first round"! Nor do I even wish him to be single. I just get a pang that it is her, that he definitely started dating her within two months of moving out of here, and I am pretty sure that he was seeing her up to a month before that. I don't have ANY feeling of annomisity towards her, but that relationship represents such raw emotion in me. When I found out he was dating I fell apart. All the delusions came crashing down around me. I was left feeling an idiot. My heart and soul were flung open and left dangle like washing on the line. For the first time in my life I wasn't in control of myself.

The logical side of me appreciates this. I felt like I have never felt before....and I have had my share of shit! I embraced it and made it my own and wouldnt give it up. I also realize that had he not been the insensitive, self serving boy that he is, those delusions may still be in tact...BUT, their relationship still turns a little knife in me. If started dating her now, I would be happy enough for them. If they broke up and he started dating someone new I could fathom having a conversation with her...but as it is I just don't see it. I saw her at the gym last night and my heart leapt.

It doesnt help that the one time that I could have met her was at a party that Ex handled in typical style. Didnt warn her that I would be there (did warn me though), didnt introduce us., left us sitting on opposite sides of a coffee table pretending we were having the times of our lives with the people we were talking to. Poor girl didnt even know anyone there, it was my crowd, who rallied around me and made sure that I always had something to throw my head back and laugh about. She ended up leaving, and he stayed on! This behaviour did not surprise anyone who knew him!!

Anyway, he has just taken up more blogspace than is really warrented for my state of mind, but at this moment it was on my mind. Lunch yesterday, new girlfriend last night, at my work tonight..

In other news...Anyone who has been reading for awhile might remember the post A RAINBOW LEFT TAIWAN. Well said Rainbow is coming back to Taiwan, TOMORROW!! Yay! I am most excited about this. Very cool guy, object of long term, minor crush! When ever we have gone out and I have been a bit too messed, he has been my home base, my goto guy! It is interesting, cause when he left I was in the midst of my heartache. He and I talked about it, and he was a great listener. So much has changed since then! I am excited for him to meet truely happy me! When I think about it, he never has. I havent been truely happy since shortly after Ex joined me in Taiwan. It feels soooooooooooo gooooood!!!!!

Alright, that is my ramble for today! I am off to take my lurvely dog for a walk! I hope you all have a super weekend!

Alive and Giddy

2006-02-14T22:29:00.000+08:00

I know I owe Bevis a tag...And I have been working on it, but I have been so insanely busy that I need to write a little update so I don't get in any more shit from Auburn and Meghan!

Life in the real world has been, well; brilliant! The holiday was enough to fill my soul and give a whole new slant to this thing called life. I have been happy to the point of giddy and manic. I have been driving poor cousin Leah bonkers with my happy sighs and giggles, about nothing specific!

I started a new job at a kindergarten after New year (Chinese) and I love it. I am told daily that I am beautiful and loved (and have a big nose and am fat, but we don't dwell on that!) by gorgeous little munchkins. It is a well renowned school and so they are privileged kids with a high level of English for their age (3-5). I sing, play games and pretend to teach...And get paid well for it!!

I am still working evenings at the old job, so I work on and off from 9 am to 9pm. On top of that I have been going to the gym (mostly yoga classes and swimming) before work in the mornings. I have been exhausted, in a good way. Almost everyday over the past week and a half I have lunched with different friends or had Chinese lessons with a great friend.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with the ex....I don't really have feelings either way about it....YAY ME!! There is a whole new mile between us since I have been back, and it is my mile! He is looking to get a job at my evening school...I am cutting my hours back there so I don't really mind at all...meh!

As for the holiday and the other boys...Well not so much to tell! Boy number 2 was fun and sexy and we were laughing to the point of tears and stitches in our sides.He lives in a town about an hour from me in Taiwan, and 'his friends were going to love me, blah blah blah'..And then he did a Mr. Hyde and actually said the words "So, you go down on me, I go down on you" and had the audacity to be angry when I respectfully declined. Yes, angry. I ever so politely explained that I was feeling a wee bit weary and that it was time for all good girls to get there beauty sleep....Ass hole!

Boy number 3 was in a band at a bar I went to in Manila. They were a great Filipino cover band and did all the songs from my 20s. REM, the Cure, Ramones, New Order...It was great. He was the bass player, he was VERY cute!! We made eye contact during the set. After they came and sat with us. My friend that lives in Manila, the band and I did some bar hopping and ended up drinking outside the 7-11 and just being silly. Just some pleasant smooches and email exchange. He was sweet and gentle and made me feel wonderful. He had spent the past 16 years in California and left his IT job to come back to the Philippines for a year and play in this band.

Final tidbit before I go to sleep. If this was a post in itself it could follow steph's lead with title "reasons I am an idiot...." But I prefer "Another example of how I am truly blessed, and how that holiday was meant to be the best holiday of my life!!"

Initially cousin Leah was planning to come to Boracay with me. When she realized she couldn't afford it and cancelled her ticket, our travel agent misunderstood and cancelled mine too. We were going to come back on the Saturday afternoon. When he rebooked my flight he had trouble getting my flight back and I was waitlisted for a bit and ended up with a bit of a stopover in Hong Kong, no biggie. He told me the flight was the 3rd, and for some idiotic reason, I assumed it was the same day as the initial ticket...

Flashforward 2 weeks. Saturday afternoon I rock up to the Aquino international airport nice and early with a skip in my step and a smirk on my face. Security is tight and at the door a guy with a machine gun asks to see my ticket. I flash him a smile and hand it over...."This flight was yesterday"
"No, no, the third, Saturday..." Yeah, who's smiling now...Could have knocked me over with a feather. I head up to the airline office....
"I am seeing when we can get you on the next flight....Just so you know I am already on the 8th and it is all booked"
fuck fuck fuck fuck nononononono!!!!!
My dog is waiting.I start a new job on Monday. I am ready to be home. This can't be happening! I ask about stanby. He tells me that he can waitlist me for the flight I thought I was supposed to be on. The connection from HongKong is OK, but the flight to HongKong is pretty tight..

I bring the ticket down to the check in counter...The flight is at 5:45 and it is 4:00 now. He tells me that it doesn't look good and to come back at 5:00. I tell him that if he can get me on this flight I will love him forever...He smiles!

I sitdown-on the ground as there are no chairs in the check in lounge. Tears well up. I talk myself down. I can go back to Tricia's overnight, I am sure there are a few flights I could waitlist on Sunday, and worst case I will check out prices with the other airlines...I will get home to my dog and my own bed in time for the new job...I stare bleakly at the clock counting the minutes until 5:00.

At about 5 to 5 I notice a lot of people milling around the counter of the man who holds my fate. I decide to get in there lest he forgets about me! At about 5 past 5 the crowd has grown and he steps out with a stack of boarding passes....10 names called, none of them mine. A few minutes later he steps out with about 5 more...Again my name was not called. At quarter past 5, bags still at my feet he comes out with about 8 more. My name was called at number 6. He hands me the boarding pass and smiles....First Class baby!!!

Boy Number 1

2006-02-05T19:44:00.000+08:00

It had been a little overcast so I walked over to the other side of the island. The side where the kite boarders hang out. I met a filipino girl there and she introduced me to several HOT kite and wind surfers. I was meeting her out later. I saddled up to my seat at the bar. I was happy, I was glowing. The boys at the bar were taking there turns chatting with me as I ate my dinner and drank my drinks. The DJ came on, house is by no means my favourite music, but he was good-really good. Sheila and the boys showed up and the dancing ensued-barefoot in the sand dancing! There wasnt a big crowd, but they were all up for a good time!

I noticed 2 guys and a girl rock up. The one guywas awfully cute he and I made eye contact as soon as they walked in - flirty smiles were exchanged. I sized up the dynamic between the three and was pretty confident that no combination of the 3 was a couple. The music kept on, we kept on dancing. More eye contact, more smiles. Soon we were dancing next to each other. He introduced himself, we smiled, we kept on dancing. "Where are you from, What do you do, How long you here for" our eyes stayed locked, the music surged on, we smiled and we kept on dancing.

The police truck was driving up the sandy path so the 'dance floor' was briefly cleared. He pulled me back into him, he ran his hand up my back and grabbed the hair at nape of my neck. Our eyes met and this time we didnt smile. We walked down to the shore line and chatted. I am sure the 2 hours of pumping house music, dancing under the stars in the sand, eyes locked sexual tension played a part of it, but the chemistry was explosive.

We changed bars with his friends and found a corner to talk. I was tracing on his back and he was massaging my other hand. The conversation was easy and the sexual tension was palpable. He squeezed the back of my neck and we pressed our heads together. We grabbed each others hands and without speaking a word stood up to leave.

The walk home that usually took me 15 minutes stretched out for 40. The first half was 20 minutes of hairpulling, hand squeezing not quite kissing. We taunted and teased for what seemed like ever. I have not wanted to kiss someone as bad as I wanted to kiss him and I was loving the longing! Finally we gave in and it was hungry, hard, head spinning, knee weakening toe curling, leave us both speachless and grinning, good.

We spent a day and two nights together. He was a really sweet guy that made me feel amazing and was not shy to let me know that I made him feel the same way. He was perfectly happy to kiss and cuddle and laugh and chat and make out a little. Nothing could ever compare to that walk home. I have missed that build up to a first kiss SO much. I think it is one of my favourite things in the world. We exchanged emails and he left back to Holland after the 2 nights. We may email, probably, but it was perfect in what it was.

You asked for details girls...and that was boy number one....there were 2 more. One not nearly as sweet in the end though. I am back home now, and happy to be so. I feel like I was gone a full lifetime. I feel like something has changed in me. It was a perfect holiday, by far the best one I have ever been on. I am off to bed now. I have been catching up on you all a bit, and I will start commenting tomorrow!!

Lying on a Beach Perpetrating a Tan

2006-01-30T19:37:00.000+08:00

I have 6 minutes left in my internet time and my emails are caught up on! I havent been reading anyones posts, but I hope you are all well!!

I am having the most amazing holiday of my life. My skin in bronzed and my soul is glowing.

I have had a week on my own where I hung out with locals, had a wee holiday romance, snorkelled, partied, sunbathed, read and basked in the fact it was all mine!

A couple days ago my friends started trickeling in...there are 5 here so far and 3 more are coming tomorrow. I have bonded with people that I wasnt so close with before, and now have holiday memories to share with people. I have got to introduce my Taiwan friends with my Philippine friends. I feel like a local showing them around and having people call out hello to me!!

I am smiling!!

Catch Up

2006-01-16T16:37:00.000+08:00

The cruel irony that the busier I am, the less time I have to post but the more I have to post about...Such is life! Sorry I have been neglectful in my comments too...I will be back soon, I promise!

Last week started a bit bleak. Moms left on Saturday night and I was coming off a feeling shitty for sitting up till 6 am with ex drunk talking about shit we don't need to be talking about anymore. I had a good visit with my mom, and I always hate saying goodbye to her. You would think that by my age I would quit crying when I say goodbye to her, but I still do.

Sunday night flatmate and I lamented about the 'boy situation' or lack thereof, in Taiwan. Tuesday, at work, "Jake" showed up on MSN. Things got a bit heated. Far to heated for being at school!! He is looking into flights to come see me in July, then take a holiday together. I am thinking Vietnam. He wants to "web cam" with me. I hesitate....I get shy about really odd things. Like talking dirty-can't do it. It feels contrived and fake. As he said, I am a doer not a talker. I flirt, and allude, but don't ask me to SAY IT!! But Yay!! I might actually get sex...In like 6 months...But at least there is a glimmer of hope!

Speaking of hope, I woke up at about 4 am last Thursday night and realized that I leave for the Philippines in like a week. (3 more sleeps now). I am so excited. Leah can't afford to join me, so I am doing another solo trip. YAY!!! I am going to head straight down to Boracay. The beach, a book, my iriver and a bikini...2 weeks HURRAH!! I have a friend of a friend lives in Manila so I will spend a couple days at the end exploring a new city. I am so excited. I sooo need this.

Last weekend was great too! Friday night I went out for drinks with a boy. We ended up having a 'smoke' and sitting up till all hours of the morning waxing philosophical. I was tired and hung over on Saturday, but smiling! Leah couldn't help but note the contrast to last Saturday when I sat up till all hours with ex and was miserable the next day.

Saturday noon we got on a train and headed up to Ali-shan; a mountain famous for its sunrise. It was amazing. We went through tropical, sub-tropical and temperate forests on the windy steam train up. At the top there were cedar trees reminiscent of home. Sunday morning we dragged our asses out of bed to sprint up the 5km to the summit to watch the sun break over the mountains. We were above the cloudline and the mist hung on the trees. I never thought Taiwan could be so picturesque!

So that is the catch up...I have tags to fulfill, and random rants that I have been dictating in my head. I am off on Saturday, but I will try to give you at least one update from paradise!! HURRAH!!!

New Years ME ME

2006-01-02T19:24:00.000+08:00

2005, Year in Review

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Dutch
2. Romanian

Two Things That Scare You
1. mediocrity
2. having regrets

Two fears you overcame
1. being a single gal in Taiwan
2. ??

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. oxygen
2. water

Two things you are Wearing Right Now
1. mascara
2. birkenstock boots

Two things you wore too much this year
1. flip flops
2. denim skirt

This year's Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. The Killers
2. Audioslave

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. Passion
2. Trust

Two of your favorite Movies of the Year
1. The Endless Garden
2. Harry Potter

Best movies of all time
1. Shawshank's Redemption
2. Dazed and Confused

Two things You hate
1. Selfishness
2. boredom

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Broad shoulders
2. height

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. reading
2. walking PaoPao

Two things you learned this year
1. Love isn't always enough
2. It is good to be vulnerable

Two Accomplishments You are Proud of
1. Walking away when I realized I wasnt getting what I needed-even though it hurt like hell!
2. Being able to get by with what Chinese I know

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. a job that pays well, but doesnt have politics and dynamics that make me want to bring physical harm to those around me
2. to travel most of asia before I leave here

Two place you went this year.
1.Thailand (twice)
2. Canada

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Philippines
2. Vientnam

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. have a family
2. have a career

Two Ways that you are a Stereotypical Example of your Gender
1. Love of the other gender
2. Love of pretty sparkly things

Two things that make you stand out.
1. my laugh
2. 'the girls'

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I have an ear cleaning addiction
2. I spend most of my alone time naked, or nearly so

Two Goals for the New Year
1. Finish my onine course
2. Improve my Chinese

If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged....if you want!

For Auld Lang Syne

2006-01-01T10:35:00.000+08:00

It was a perfect New Years Eve; it started with a bit of shopping with a new friend (read "cute boy") for a long over needed new phone. I stettled on a used one in a reliable, durable!! Model. The moms had gone shopping with a Taiwanese friend and Leah had to work. We all arrived home around the same time and decided to take a nap. After a good hour nap we all got up and headed to the hairwash place. This place had mention in my Taiwan top ten! There are five beds in a row, each with a sink on the end of it. You lie down and enjoy 30-40 minutes of scalp massage bliss.

We met up with some friends at a restaurant that should be on Taiwan's top ten list. Miles and miles of buffet, but not just your fried food (although there is a whole table of tempura fried food), vinegar salad variety! On your table are these little numbered tags. You drop them at different stations and they bring to your table freshly prepared sushi, steak, lobster, fish....The list goes on. And the piece de resistance; all you can drink bar. Granted it was only wine and premixed cocktails, but some smooth talking to the bartender got as a ever full jug of wine on our table and spiked gin cocktails!

The friends were heading out to a bar, so moms, leah, lisa and I were going to do a bit of singing at KTV, but there was a 4 hour wait!! We just came home, opened a bottle of champagne and went on to the roof to countdown and watch the fireworks. It was great. We played some madgab, had some good chats, ignored the texts imploring us to come out. A favorite-apparently ex was there with new girl; "I don't mean to be mean, but you are SO much prettier than she is" Always nice to have good friends. It shouldn't matter to me, and it doesn't really, I don't want to be with him, and I want him to be happy. But some really childish, selfish part of me feels really good that all our friends, male and female, have said it. Poor girl! I got a text from him too, just after midnight, just saying happy new year.

We crawled into bed about three and are now having a lazy morning! I am taking mom for for breakfast at a traditional Taiwanese breakfast place (Taiwan Top 10) , taking Pao Pao for a walk, and then GoldClass Narnia (again with the top 10). It is the perfect new years weekend. I spent time with good friends and family, ate good food, pampered myself, got tipsy but managed to avoid the whole social scene! I am so happy to have not been out there. It has been a few weeks and it will be two more. I needed the break! I want going out to be something I look forward to, not another weekend with social obligations...

Enough rambling, time for breakfast. I hope that you had a New Years that felt just as wonderful! Here is to a brand New Year!!!

Happy Ho Ho Ho To You!!!

2005-12-23T17:12:00.000+08:00

I have been a bit neglectful. My only excuse; I am a christmas freak!! I think I am the only one, but I LOVE IT!! I love everything about it; decorating the tree, the music, shopping for presents, getting presents. I love all the food, and I absolutely love hanging out, drinking and playing games with my family!!

Last weekend we had our Christmas party. 40 of our nearest and dearest came over for a gift exchange, snowflake contest, christmas limerick contest and a couple gallons of mulled wine. It was a great night. Shining moment-someone calling a "see how many people can fit on my roommate's bed"! There was about 10 at one point. I was pretty pissed at this point but I have a clear memory of being stuck under about 8 men with my roommate. Someone was taking pictures, and her and I were professing our love to each other and sharing a few smooches. She announced "you are a really good kisser!" 8 man heads swung around so fast I imagine there was some sore necks on Sunday morning!! The night ended with breakfast with some cuties and plans for a date at a later date!

This morning I knocked on Leah's door at 7:30 to haul all the recycling down. After a few silent trips up and down the stairs we woke up and fitted "The moms will be here in less than an hour!!!" Hurrah!!

I am now sitting at work, counting the seconds to blow this pop stand and go drink some duty free, triple distilled, 100 proof vodka with my mom, aunt and cousin!! Tomorrow we will go watch the Christmas performance at my kindie, they are SO cute!! Some last minute shopping in the afternoon before we hunker in for a weekend of prezzies, bailey's and coffee, champagne and orange juice, food, trivial pursuit, crib; all the finer things in life!! Hurrah!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas! I hope it is filled with good food, good family, great prezzies and fabulous drinks! A toast to each of you-I wouldnever have thought that I would be reflecting on my cyberfriends on this festive occasion; but look forward to "seeing" you all in the New Year, and hearing about all your zany holiday antics!

THAT Kind of Friend!!

2005-12-15T17:17:00.000+08:00

I have a friend. We have been friends for years. Actually, he was my brother's friend since elementry school. I will call him Jake (cause in highschool that was my friend and my code name for him) After graduation I went home for a visit and he and I ended up having a drunken shag. Since then we have talked on the phone, emailed and anytime I go out to my mom's he comes down to play. When J went home to New Zealand, and we were apart for 8 months we agreed that whatever happened - happened. I would rather have sex with someone else between us, then a cheat or betrayal. (it backfired in a way that an agreement like that only could-but that is a whole other story!!) Jake flew out to BC and we spent a week hanging out in a hotel room. This has been going on for 12 years.

Over the years it has been long since noted and documented that this boy has a sense of when I need to hear from him. Without fail, if I am feeling a bit down, having a rough go with some boy or another, or not feeling great about myself, he calls or emails. It is uncanny!! Jake was emailing me when I was in Canada last summer (when J wasnt!). With things rough between J and I, and having physical access to Jake, I didnt email him back. I didnt want to put myself in a situation that would make things worse. He emailed me just after J and I broke up too. It was a bit to raw to talk about it then-EVERY email since he found out I was with J, he asks directly "are you still with J?" I recieved another such email the other night. I finally responed. There is now talk of meeting somewhere in South-East Asia as I don't think I will be in Canada for another year.

It is really strange though. We have NOTHING in common, just history. I am not even sure what he sees in me. He is HOT! Like the kind of hot that I would usually make fun of because he knows it and it is paired with 'cool' and 'money'. When he came out to see me in BC some of my friends were gagging! I think for him I was his pubescent fantasy (best friends older sister) and I have just held this ongoing allure somehow. For me, well, he makes me feel so good about myself. We have fun together. I make fun of his shallow vanity and he makes fun of me for being a hippy. There is nothing deep about it. A few friends have joked that he and I will end up together, and there is ZERO chance of that, he would drive me crazy. But for what he is, he is great!!!

Lost in Translation

2005-12-09T16:11:00.000+08:00

Angela, you remember I talk to you next week about Christmas program on Dec 21 and your part I say I need next week.

fuck, what is she talking about

blank stare

We change the Christmas party from Dec 24 for Dec 21, remember I talk to you. We don't do student program because we don't have time so for your part you tell a christmas story and some acivity

uh-huh, so you want my part next week

No I talk to you last week and say you need to prepare for me this week, today.

oops, forgot about that completely...thats what you get for leaving me sitting here with nothing to do- i only get things done under pressure, i was thinking of doing 'twas the night before christmas'-that's easy enough

Oh right, sorry! I am not finished, but I have some ideas....I just need to finish it up.

Your part is from 6:10-6:30, so 20 min. I want you to do a story of christmas with some activity for the students and parents, not only just the story.

I was thinking of doing "Twas the night before christmas"

her blank stare, oh and that face when she wants to say something and is trying to think of the most indirect way to say it-or she is confused

you know, the story that I suggested P9 class perform. when I was planning a whole christmas program put on by students, before you decided there wasnt enough rehearsal time and decided to make it a teacher show...after I had put in several hours of planning.

oh yes, i know. that one is good. i know. but actually...i have asked Maggie to read that poem. I want you to do the story of christmas....but not just the story, an activity too. that face again...

oh THE story of christmas...slightly different that A christmas story, as the director of an english school you should know that, but really, there are a lot of 'shoulds'

I misunderstood you when you said A christmas story, I didnt realize you wanted the story of baby jesus

yes, and an activity

Ok, I will get going on that. It will take me a few more minutes, as I didnt realize that is what you wanted

story of baby jesus, to a group of people who don't speak english, and have NO basis in Christianity. "yeah, this baby was born, and some people believe that he was a saviour, oh, you don't know what saviour means, and he was born in a manger, oh you don't know what a manger is, and he was the only son of God, oh, you don't know who God is...."

Is someone going to translate for me?

ummm, the face well I could or some of the other teachers could help you... or you could just use some pictures and very simple language. and an activity, not just the story.

she actually wants me to tell this story to a room full of people who will not understand it, and play a game in 20 min. what kind of game goes with the birth of Christ anyway...pin the saviour in the manger

I finally convinced her (45 min later) that I wasnt comfortable telling a religious story to people who wouldnt understand it anyway, to people who had such starkly differnt religious beliefs. I don't consider myself a christian, but I do resent the removal of Christ from Christmas. I find it wierd enough to be pushing Halloween and Christmas on this culture let alone bringing in the religious side of it. When it was going to be the kids doing the program I had one of the classes doing the nativity story, but the idea of telling the story and playing a game in 20 min, followed by her dancing around singing "santa claus is coming to town" was just too much. Maybe I am just being lazy, but the thought of that overwhelmed me. I tried for the grinch and settled on rudolph the red nose reindeer -with pin the nose on the reindeer!

I'm Baaaaaack!!!

2005-12-07T16:22:00.000+08:00

Jobe has released me, and I return with a tag from Steph!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?
Been a puppy mom.
Broken up with someone that I still loved.
Had a broken heart.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A cousin, but we arent really close

3. Did anyone close to you die?
no

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?
He and I went to Thailand. Met up with some friends I had travelled in Europe with and my best friend from back home and her mom. Very cool seeing people you love 'out of context'.

Went home to Canada by myself. Had some quality time with all the most important people. Realized that I wasnt truely happy in my relationship.

Went to Thailand by myself. Lots of snogs! Got back to myself a bit. I can go anywhere, I can do anything...blahblah

5. Best thing you bought?
My dog!! (although I got her from the humane society and only had to pay for her first vaccinations she is the best new not human in my life)
Laptop

6. Where did most of your money go?
Trip to Canada where I bought a crap load of clothes that fit!! (except all the underwear bought because I overestimated my size...used to asian sizing. There is nothing worse than a baggy thong...
My lap top,
random shit really

7. What do you wish you had done more of?
Well I was getting lots of sex for the first half of the year...but this barren sexual landscape I am treking across now, makes it hard to remember that! So...More Sex!!
Again I am with Steph here...sleep!

8. What do you wish you had done less of?
Tried to make him happy

9. What kept you sane?
First off, this implies that I stayed sane, and I definitely didnt- but my friends (esp Lisa- flatmate, and cuz Leah) really helped me realize that that was part of the process...
PaoPao

10. What drove you mad?
Myself, him, my job, Taiwan in general, PaoPao

11. What made you celebrate?
That I could realize that love wasnt enough, that I am worth more than he could/would give- and be strong enough to walk away.
Finally deciding what I want to do with my life.
Pao Pao

12. What made you sad?
Missing my family, especially my brother.
The whole thing with him...he started dating not even 2 months after he moved out, and it made me realize a lot about the relationship as a whole.

13. How was your birthday this year?
So good!! Shared it with my friend Ruth and had a 'bad taste party' (see August archives) It was a blast.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?
I have to be honest I havent been all that stirred, politically this year. Bush winds me up to no end, and the Canadian government has gone to shit-I won't even vote because I don't even like the polical system at this point and any vote would just be the lesser of evils or a cast away vote (that and I would lose my non-residency status) , but I am pretty far removed from it all, and feel pretty powerless to do anything.

15. Where you in love in 2005?
Yes.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?
More money, but that is more of something...
umm a healthy relationship...don't really care about that even...I had all I needed in 2005.
Saying that, I am looking forward to going to the Philipines with Leah though. She is leaving Taiwan next summer and I am looking forward to having one last Lea/La trip. This time here really has been a bit of 'our' time.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?
No one day really stands out...

18. What song will remind you of 2005?
Mr. Brightside -The Killers
If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
I'm a Rainbow Too - Bob Marley

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?
Yes, and no. (equivocate much? maybe!!)
This time last year I was preparing for a bubble christmas, and our first christmas in the same country. I was doing all I could to give him everything he wanted and more.
This year I have some sadness around me, some soft...but I like it. I feel more whole now than I did then. and the big news of the season...
THE MOMS ARE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS!!! i know this means absalutely nothing to most of you but it is so exciting OH OH OH andDave is not going to be here for Christmas, he is going home early...BECAUSE HE IS COMING BACK TO STAY UNTIL JUNE (he was supposed to be going home in Jan) So it is going to be Leah, our moms (they are sisters) and I for a proper family christmas. It will be great. Trivial Pursuit, Bailey's and coffee in the morning, red wine..or vodka in the evenings.
did I answer the question??

20. Biggest achievement this year?
Not only the break up, but my healing from it. I am really proud of myself! My best friend back home had the quote of the year..."Men cauterize their wounds with the fluids of other women." And I know this is not true of all men, and I know that it is not true of only men. I have this tendancy (not from other women). 2nd best quote ""best way to get over one man is to get under another") - I also have a tendency to partying my way through pain. I have had opportunity for random sex, and I have definitely done some partying, but I have chosen to feel the pain, embrace it and heal from it.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?
The realization that I had given my heart and soul to someone who did not appreciate or deserve it.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?
I agree with the more sex and money...but on a whole I am satisfied. I have learned SO much this year!!

23. Best new person you met this year?
I know it has been said again and again, and when I started this thing I never imagined I would have the emotional investment that I do. You guys rock! (and I am SUCH a geek!!)

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?
Embrace the soft. It is what makes us human. I always fancied myself the tough chick. No one could get under my skin. Even in a debate, I keep my cool. "If you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away". But I have seen both sides now. It is not only ok to love, care, hurt, cry....it is amazing!!

I am so behind that there are not a lot of peopel in blogsphere left to tag-especially since most of the time people ignore my tags. Neverthless I have a couple

Leah-Little Fluffy Clouds - you can't ignore me forever cuz!!!
Dave - Djyooolaaaiiiiiiiiyykkit??!! - 24 and never been tagged!

There you go...pretty long winded and a bit whingy about boy stuff, but it is a big part of what 2005 means to me and will be remembered for.

Reflections on a Fantastic Weekend

2005-11-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

I have had the BEST couple days...hurrah!

Friday night I stayed in to finish the paper I am writing for the online course I am taking. It is 4 weeks overdue (I am the QUEEN of extensions) and has been hanging over my head and nagging at my self worth for about 2 months. It's done, I feel good about it, and I am even more sure about this program.(online mutli-disciplinary palliative care certificate).

He came over for a bit as he was going out with dave and leah for drinks. It was awkward and strained, but oh well. I went to bed at about 2 and my step dad visited me. Alexis was killed in an accident 13 years ago now. He and my mom had been together for 10 years, and he and I had a special bond. I have a picture of us dancing at my highschool graduation and the pride on his face brought tears to my eyes even when he was alive. Since he died he has visited me a few times in my dreams. It is different then a normal dream though. Friday night he asked me to hand him a 1/8 wrench, whatever that means. As soon as I said "here you go Al" I realized I was dreaming, and that he wasnt really supposed to be there, and it was stolen time and that I just had to let it fill me up while I could. He was a fixer-a 'monkey'er. So on Friday night, I held in the tears and handed him tools and we fixed stuff together. His hands looked just like I remember them.

Saturday I met my friend Iris to go see her Buddhist master. After some suprisingly comforting rituals, we sat down with this lady who had eyes that pierced my soul. Although Iris was translating she always spoke to me, and looked into my eys. It was brief, but I was left feeling comfoted and elated at the same time. She told me I had a beautiful heart. She told me things I already knew, but needed to hear. He was not the man for me, I gave more than he did, time to move on. She told me that I deserve a better, higher paying job. She blessed (?) some money to burn, put the ash in hot water, let the ash settle and take 3 sips of the water. This is for when I need a mood elevation - I have been a bit down. She was wonderful.

Saturday night my friend had a "let's french" party. French costume, french food, some brutal attemts at the language. I went Bridgette Bardot-ish. Leah and I went for a lovely hair wash and I had a sexy buffaunt going on. It was a great night where I met people that I didnt know, touched base with others that I know but don't see often enough. I flirted my ass off, have a date for next weekend and had this guy - who most people think is hot, but I always said was cute, but not my type, too boyish , who I had only properly met that night - come tell me he was leaving and then "I want to tell you that you look absalutely ravishing tonight." RAVISHING!! How fucking cool is that? Not beautiful, not sexy - ravishing. Boys, for the record, that is a good one. That's one way to become my type quickly..haha! My friend Holly and I danced till 5 and back to mine for a girlie sleepover. Sunday was breakfast with the girls, submit my paper, over to another friend, Ruth's for pizza and movies. Chilling out hangover day. Purrfect ending to really, a perfect weekend.

OH, OH, OH...tea with ruth tonight. Little bit of talk about him, and it dawned on me, and I said it out loud (and then cried, but that's not the point)

"I am glad that I am not with him anymore"

wow!! yay! It feels so good. No regrets, no annomosity, just happy that it turned out this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A RAINBOW LEFT TAIWAN...

2005-11-24T17:35:00.000+08:00

...and it is slightly greyer as a result. It is a part of life living here. You make friends-beautiful, kind true friends, and then they leave. Ryno is my first close one and I am sadder than expected-we all are! (it was the subject of both leah and dave's posts today!)I feel especially bad for his partner in crime and fellow animal-Andrew. (ryno is the dark, andrew the blonde)They were each other's wing men and joined at the hip. A favourite night of mine was when we were out dancing at the club. The two of them stood off to the side looking liking they were conspiring an evil plan when the both approached me. Andrew stepped forward and announced "ang we were talking, and...you are one of us!" I dare not think of the possible implications of that statement and go with --awwe bless, they actually discussed it too!

For some really unknown reason it took us awhile to warm to ryno, but once we did there was no holding back. Polite and unassuming all of the girls have a bit of crush on him. Me being the jackass that I am, went out drinking and dancing with him last week, and lamented on having to find a new crush once he left!!! He taught us how to say dirty things in Afrikans - SEIG MIE PIEL for the boys (Suck my cock)EIK SIEG PIEL for the girls (I suck cock), then made us t-shirts before he left! He was my safe place if I was feeling a little too fucked up when I went out. He is missed already.

And this is only going to get worse. Dave is leaving in 6 weeks. I can't help to reflect back to this time last year. James, Dave, Leah and I were the bubble, and Andrew and Ryno were the animals that added some spice to the mix. It is all changed now. I am sad today. I know that this is all part of the lifestyle I have chosen, and I know that if I hadnt chosen this life people like Dave, Andrew, Ryno and even James would have never come into my life, and I wouldnt change a thing-but today I am sad.

bitchiness continued

2005-11-22T11:03:00.000+08:00

A glib comment on Steph's blog lead to some heated discussion, which lead to some thought on my part. It was to do with being bitchy to guys at the bar.

I definitely can be a bitch. I have a sharp tongue, I come from a family of sharp tongues - there is a bit of a 'if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen' attitude, especially with my mom! But it is usually directed at one of two catagories in this boys at bar context - those that can take it, and those that deserve it (both obviously subjective judgements, with room for error).

The ones that can take it, are the ones that can give it back. I slag you off, you sag me off- a very retarded form of flirting...I LOVE it!! I am so my mother's daughter this way, but if someone is up for the challenge I totally get off on some witty banter. I realize that I cross the line sometimes- especially with a few drinks in me, but again, it is usually someone who I have established a good battle with already and he will usually role with it. When in doubt I have Leah- my "you are approaching the line of just plain mean" conscience!

The ones that deserve it are a whole other scene. It is usually a reactionary thing- either they are giving it to one of mine, or are just plain pricks. Two types of guys really push my buttons!! You know the types- 1. overtly hitting on every chick in sight but being nasty behind their backs.... the "your tits are huge!" guys. Really, fuck, where did they come from...thanks for telling me!" 2. Then their is the 'too cool for school' guys. Usually have some girl hitting on them, but they are playing it cool, even nasty, but will shag them anyway, if nothing better comes along. These ones sometimes have some intelligence behind them but for some reason don't think bust size could be anthing but inversely correlated with IQ. Oh, you want to talk down your nose to me do you???

By no means am I saying that all guys fall into one of these catagories. There are really only a few, and they are not always like that I am sure-bad night, bad break up, whatever- but acting out as a complete asshole. And usually these guy's friends are my best audience. I like to start with something subtle, with a smile. They think you might be taking the piss, but they are not quite sure. Some eye contact with the friends-they know this guy deserves it, they know he is asking for it. All done with a smile, with lots of laughter. I rarely go for the obvious, (receding hair line, height was an exeption, and he was a really good looking guy, with a slightly receding hairline, and about 5'8", only slightly shorter than me) and I always stop if the guys catches on and ego is deflated. I have actually made friends this way (???), where a guy will give an "ok, ok, you win" and shake hands and lose the attitude.

I don't go looking for this. When I go out, I go out to be with my friends and have a good time. Every once in awhile though, I come face to face with an ego so big that I can't help myself - especially with some drinks in me. I am not proud of it, but I have to say, I usually enjoy it.

Anyway...went and saw Harry Potter last night (Goldclass) with my fun crush, that is leaving the country tomorrow- so sad, now I have to find a new crush. Loved it! Heromine is getting totally hot! I really wish Quiddich could be a real game- it looks SO cool!

I broke by bed the other day- no exciting story even. It was put together wrong, and it broke-boring. But I took the mattress off last night to fix it, and realized the hammer wasnt going to be enough and would have to get him over with the drill to fix it. So I am camping on the floor. Now I have been so good about not letting Pao Pao sleep on the bed. It has been tempting since he moved out, but I resisted. I know it is a real hard habit to break. But since I had my mattress on the floor, I figured it was different-it was so nice. After some initial excitement she curled up with her head across my stomach sighing and groaning. (my dog sighs and groans with contentment, it is really endearing, but odd-cause i do it too!!)

So that is my couple of days. I am a bitch that went on an undate then curled up with her puppy!! huh!

The Colour Quiz

2005-11-21T11:26:00.000+08:00

Colour Quiz as stolen from Leah who stole it from Penny

I am supposed to be writing a paper, so I took this quiz a couple times (in the name of varifying the results). Almost the same outcome everytime, and remarkably accurate- except maybe the 'not getting involved in an aruguement' part..

Your Existing Situation
Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.

Your Desired Objective
Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.

Your Actual Problem #2
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace.

Taiwan Top Ten

2005-11-17T19:30:00.000+08:00

I realize that my past couple posts, and really my blog in general has only portrayed the negative side of life in Taiwan. It can be rough here, but I am here for a reason, and there are some wonderful aspects to life in Taiwan. As much for my own benifit as to share I am composing a list of the good things about living in Taiwan....

1. Money - I am making more money for less work then I would ever do at home. For the most part I enjoy teaching English and it affords me a lifestyle that I would have to put years in to get at home (although the downside of that is having to leave it and start at the bottom at home - but we are looking on the upside here!!)

2. Travel - Location, location location!! I can jet off to Hong Kong, Thailand, or Japan for a weekend, I am going to go to either the Philipines or Vietnname for Chinese New Year. Before I go home I plan to do a few months through India, and a loop through Cambodia and Laos. Asia is at my doorstep!

3. Tea - Now when I say tea I am not talking about your conventional british style tea and cookies - no, no, no my friend!! Even within this catagory there are sub catagories. First I am not talking about the hot teas but these cold refreshing, often fruity yummy teas.
a. pu tou yo lu cha and bieshung lu cha. grapefruit green tea and passion fruit green tea respectively. The are more of a light juice than a tea and on a hot day there is NOTHING more refreshing!! You can also get the fruity flavours with black tea, I usually prefer the green, but lemon black tea is a nice change!!
b. nie cha or if you are a we bit peckish jin ju nie cha. Milk tea, best cold, creamy rich and the jin ju is the starch balls that take some getting used to, but if you don't have time to eat...
c. bing chi ling hong cha - the piece de resistance!! I was dubious at the sound of it, and I have had to twist a couple arms just to try it but I have not known ANYONE who didnt LOVE it once they tried it...Ice cream black tea. Basicly a black tea float...sooooo gooood!!! I even have one cousin ( I wonder...) that has to limit herself to one a week in the summer or she would be drinking them every day.

4. GoldClass - from what I understand Bangkok and Taichung are the only 2 cities in either Asia or the world to have this and if you don't have it- I gotta say, you are missing out!!!! It is the pimpin' est movie theatre going. You walk in the doors and they seat you in the lounge area where you are handed a menu to order from. Anything from popcorn to cheesesticks, blackforest cake to champagne is at your fingertips!! After you place your order you are personally ushered to the theatre. The theatre only holds about 30 seats. 30 plush, reclining, lay back and enjoy the show seats!! Not a lot more expensive than the regular theatre, and well worth it for the 'big' shows! (Like Harry Potter this weekend!!!!)

5. Pampering - (comes in 3 catagories)
The first time I went for a hair wash in Taiwan was after the first big typhoon after I arrived. Our water was off for almost a week. We had a huge pail of water that we had filled before the water got cut off that we used to flush when we had to, a couple loads of dishes, and a bit of a 'mexican shower' in the morning. The water in the area of my one school was still on so about 4 days in I was going nuts and booked at the hairdresser to get my hair washed. I was going just for a hair wash but what I got was sooooo much more. It is a full shoulder, neck and head massage!! It only costs like 10 bucks, and it is at any of the ten gazillion hairdressers in Taichung. The one place we go to lie you out on a bed with your head propped up in the sink on the end of it. It is 30-40 minutes of pure bliss!!! Any time we have a big night out, or you're feeling down, or having a girlie day - hair wash!!

24 hours a day,7 days a week I can go to a 'massage parlour' and actually get a massage. Full body, foot massage whatever you fancy. All over the city there are massage parlours to fit your "I have been teaching all day, children who have no desire to learn" muscle aches!

I had heard about the 24 hours spas but you can't really appreciate them until you go. Seperate for girls and boys, and I think a lot of the male ones are gay pick up spots - but the ones for females...sweet! For like 10 bucks Canadian you can stay for 12 hours, and it is just a series of hot tubs, cold pools, saunas and steam baths. You can get all kinds of massage, order food, of just hang out watching movies, there are little berth type beds you can go to sleep in if you like. Pretty much a bunch of naked woman hanging out pampering themselves.

6. Mango Bing - Again bigger than the sum of its parts, but pretty much what I live on in the summer. On the bottom they put some shaved ice, and when I say shaved I don't mean like slushy I mean like snow! Then some sweetened condensed milk topped with fresh mango...OH MY GOD!!! It is pure heaven! I am counting the days until mango is back in season. You can get other fruit bing, but it just doesnt measure up!!

7. My neighborhood - I live in the heart of a city of over a million people that, for the most part, don't speak the same language as me, and I am a part of my community. I remember when I first arrived and didnt have a scooter yet I was walking back from an interview. It was lashing rain and I was dripping! The middle aged lady that sells betul nut on the corner called me under the awning with her to stay dry. Ever since then I get the biggest smile and wave from her daily. She weekly tells me how piaow liang (beautiful) that pao pao is, and has even tried to give me food before. As I walk Pao Pao people call her name and wave to me. The ladies down at the breakfast place on the corner know us all, and have even been know to give me a massage or smack on the ass as I dunkenly inhale dem bing (later) at 5am! And I would like to package Alli from the coffee shop up and take him home with me...I LOVE him!!! I could go on and introduce you to the man in the wheelchair that runs the store downstairs, and our local tea guy and so on, but my point is I like the people in my neighborhood- the people that I meet, as I am walking down the street, the people that I meet each day!

8. Driving - yes, I know that it is also on of the worst aspects of living in Taiwan, but it is also one of the best. I drive a scooter because I can't brink Pao Pao on a motorbike. But even scooter driving is SO MUCH FUN!! When you are not angry, it is like a video game. There are no real enforced rules, so you can zip in and out of traffic, honking all the while to let people know that you are there, pausing at the red lights to see if someone is coming, and off again. My mp3 player playing some nice relaxing tunes piped into my helmut -good times!!

9. Porn Motels - They have these 'love motels' that you can rent by the 4 hour chunk. Drive through reception and underground parking - ideal for the married man out for some fun without his wife...but they are so fuckin sweet. I took the boy before I went home to Canada and once for break up sex. You go up the stairs, expecting plastic sheets and flourescent lighting- instead you see the classiest looking room ever- soft springy bed, nice muted colours, seriously classy rooms. Big screen TV, and then the bathroom - big hot tub with disco lights and of course a built in TV. On this TV is some sweet porn! I am not a big porn chick, but I definitely can appreciate some good porn, and some good porn with a sweetie can make for a pretty good night. Now good porn in a hot tub of a classy motel room makes for a GREAT night!!

10. Night life - Any night of the week, if you are looking for a party, you can find a party! There are always a group of ex-pats numbing their issues somewhere. And it is not just sitting around drowning sorrows, it is full on partying until 5,6,7,8 in the morning. Several of the clubs you can order E at the bar. After a hard night a drinking you can either go get 24 hour teppenyaki, or hit one of the breakfast places that open up about 3. MMMM dem bing - an egg and cheese rolled up in a rice tortilla mmmm!

ok, I could go on, but 10 is such a nice round number!!

If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy...

2005-11-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

A few people have said to me that if you can survive a break up in Taiwan, you can do it anywhere. Really its a silly thing to say- of course I am going to survive, I am not going to die, and I am not going anywhere-what else do you do but survive? But there is a point behind it, this is not the real world. The dynamic here is SO much different! First off is the basic demographics. There is not a huge number of foriegners here, and it is a pretty inscestuous group at times. Now the foriegn guys have options. There is a whole contingency of Taiwanese girls waiting to date, or shag a foriegn guy. Even if the Taiwanese guys were into foriegn girls-which for the most part, they are not, most of them are to short, petite and feminine for our taste, not to mention the language barrier which foriegn girls seem more concerned about that foriegn guys. So we have a small number of foriegn guys left, with a large number of foriegn girls.

Some guys deny that there is that much of a difference-or say that it is an even playing field here. The field may be even, but it is a whole different game!! I am not saying that I couldnt get a shag if I really tried, but the fact is, I would have to either try, or lower my standards-not willing to do either at this point. The small number of guys that are left stand back with this too cool come and get it attitude. We put our finger on it the other day. You don't feel sexy going out here. You don't ever feel sexy here. I didnt really notice too much before because of all I could say about 'him', he made me feel sexy!!

It's not that I think I am hot shit by any means but when I walk into a bar at home, or even down the street I feel eyes on my-I feel sexy. When I was in Thailand I smiled at a guy walking down the street and he turned and walked the other way with me. He didnt try and shag me, but he made me feel sexy. When I walk into a pub or bar here, I don't feel myself getting checked out at all - you might get an inviting glance, but I would never want to feed the ego. At home if I am ordering a drink at the bar and a guy comes up beside me, I will often chat-not necessarily even flirting, just a chat. I never do that here because right away these guys assume you are hitting on them. A couple of nights ago Lisa and I were waiting outside the bar for a friend and this average at best guy walks by and said "Sorry ladies, not tonight!" What the fuck!! We weren't looking to pull, we were waiting for our (MALE) friends!! But that is the attitude that prevails here. You might meet a guy, you might chat with someone, you might even get a random shag or snog, but on a daily basis that need for sexual affirmation is not filled. It is not just ego - my students, random young women and even a few groups of young men will walk up to me and tell me that I am beautiful-but I don't feel sexy. I miss feeling sexy!!

I DETEST APATHY!!!

2005-11-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

There is one main road going through Taichung-Taichung Gung Lui. It has 6 lanes and then smaller roads going down each side for scooters and cars that are going to turn. I know that I have posted a few times before about driving in Taiwan, but today was especially traumatic and enraging. Leah, Dave and I were driving down Chung Gung when we saw a scooter turned over in the middle of the street. Then we notice a man lying up against the meridian not moving. Cars, scooters and buses continued to fly by hardly even noticing. All three of us pulled off instantly and started yelling at the people that were standing outside the shop just looking to call 119. They all just stood there looking like fucking deer in headlights. I did as were are told-looked directly at one of the ladies in the shop, did the international hand signal for phone and shouted "YI YI JIU" (119) in my angriest, and most authoritative voice and waited until I saw here with the phone in her hand and nodding at me. At a break in traffic I joined Leah and Dave across the street-Dave had moved the scooter. He was breathing-thank fucking god! I have heard stories of people finding dead bodies on the side of the street. A man that had been in the store when the lady went in to phone 119 had joined us in OUR human barracade protecting this poor man from traffic. Our accident victim was still lying with his leg up over the meridian, and his face pressed into the corner. He was trying to speak, but all our new friend could make out was "thank you". Eventually he rolled over and looked at me directly in the eye. I tried to smile reassuringly but it was all I could do to not be sick. I am pretty sure that he is going to lose his one eye. The skin around his eye was all slid back and there was a pool of blood on the road beside him. There was something white oozing out around the socket, and there where ants crawling on him. All the while traffic not even slowing past. Finally the ambulance and police showed up and we gave the lookie-loos one final scowl and were on our way. I have so much rage just thinking about it. Nobody was stopping, the people on the sidewalk werent doing anything...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???!!!!

2005-11-13T21:59:00.000+08:00

English Genius
You scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

I AM a rainbow too!!!

2005-11-09T23:54:00.000+08:00

I am just back and too tired to give a full update, but to say the least-it was perfect. Those are the huts I stayed in on the island. Those are my sandy toes as Bob Marley's "I'm a Rainow Too" is playing-I am in my happy place. And last but not least those are some very lovely, very young boys that I played spin the bottle with later that evening...yes spin the bottle-hadn't played that since grade school, good game, should be a regular drinking game me thinks!!! Good night!!

I AM SOOOO READY FOR THIS

2005-11-04T10:58:00.000+08:00

My foresight could not have been better, the timing is PERFECT. When James and I first decided to split I decided that I was going to need a holiday. When we met I was backpacking by myself in Europe, and am dying to have that "I can do anything as I step of the bus/plane/boat by myself" feeling. So my bag is packed-with not much more than a bikini, skirt and an extra bag to fill up with shopping.

I fly out of Taipie at 7:15 and get into Bangkok at about 9:30. Bus to Koa San Road, some shopping and socializing tonight and tomorrow morning then I hope a bus down to Koh Samet...an island a couple hours south of Bangkok. 3 days of beaches, buckets, books...maybe some boys??? (just going with the alliteration-i love alliteration!) Back to Bangkok for some more shopping one more night in Bangkok (makes a hard man humble) and back to the (sur)real world. OOOHHHH HHHUUURRRAAAHHHHH!!

Other news...well this week was rough-Monday was rock bottom. I was a basket case. Halloween was a big one and I indulged (EXcessively) with some next week repercussions. I also caught a flu or something. So Monday morning with an e-over and flu I called James to come and tell him that I couldnt be casual friends right now. I couldnt just have him pop over, I just can't be friends at this paticular moment. I had seen him chatting with a chick on Saturday night and I could tell he fancied her and it was all I could do to maintain composure. Monday morning it comes out that he went out with this chick the night before. I lost it. I don't even remember Monday. I have been writing him letters I will never send and it has helped. Each day was a little better. I have come to some realizations about the relationship, and I am ready to move on. I feel good.

So yeah- Halloween...it was a big one. It was (overall) a good one. We drank, we did drugs, we danced, I flirted, Lisa and I crawled into my bed at 7:30 in the morning and fell asleep holding hands. Some good costumes- Dave was a cigarette packet-but everyone thought he was a robot. Ryno was bird flu, Andrew was a cunt-tree, James was Napoleon Dynamite...This pic is Leah, Lisa and I. Leah is Pippy, Lisa is Carmen Miranda and I am (note the bandages, pills, toothbush, razor, q-tips...) a Medicine Chest....

He is dating someone...

2005-10-31T13:36:00.000+08:00

"Tell me, what did you like about me?
And don't say my strength and daring
Cause now I think I'm at your mercy
And It's my first time for this kinda thing

I used to be a superhero
I would swoop down and save me from myself
You were like phone booth that I somehow stumbled into
Now look at me, I am just like everybody else"

2005-10-29T23:25:00.000+08:00

Punk Goth

What Kind of Goth Are You?
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AAARRRRGGGG!!

2005-10-29T01:38:00.000+08:00

My goddess!!! I forgot how much I think about sex when I first stop getting it!! I am comforted to remember that this obsessiveness fades with time because it is infiltrating my thoughts at the most inopportunte times. Nothing worse than getting a really hot visual while standing in front of a room of 4 years olds!! Highlight of my day is revving the engine of my scooter at the red lights!! (and I am not a complete perv, other girls have confirmed the "scooter love"- ok i am a perv, but not the only one!!!)

2005-10-27T16:44:00.000+08:00

Someone in our neighborhood died. I know this because they sent up a sort of tent outside the apartment. In the tent they burn fake money for the gods, have a giant picture of the dead person, and a set of the person's clothes sitting on a chair. There is always someone sitting there with the picture, clothes and burning money-for nearly two weeks.
The other morning I dragged my ass out of bed at 7:30 so that I could go meet the garbage and recycling trucks. Tuesday and Friday mornings they park outside our apartment for half an hour in the morning, so it saves chasing them down when you hear the "music". I knew something was up as soon as I looked at Pao Pao with her ears back. From inside the apartment I could hear the firecrackers and chanting (remember 7:30 AM!!!). Down on the street the road is blocked off by 2 garbage trucks, a giant tent and a bunch of people in what looks like KKK robes. I had seen this part before, but it still took me off guard that early in the morning!!
I went back upstairst to get ready for work. When I desended the 4 flights of stairs 2 hours later I heard what I could have sworn was a marching band. Low and behold....it was a marching band. Women in all shapes and sizes, in orange polyester miniskirts and white platform shoes were prancing around with trombones and trumpets. This is a funeral like I have never seen. I felt like Alice in Wonderland!

Lea-La

2005-10-23T10:29:00.000+08:00

I came to this page with the best intition of writing a post. And I have been sitting here for 5 min...there is stuff stuff going on that I have strong feelings about, but it is not my stuff. I feel like I need to let them sort some of it out before I speak about it on a public forum. But I will say that I have a totally amazing cousin here with me. Our relationship ebbs and flows as far as time spent together, but despite that I don't know what I would do without her here. She has the most beautiful, sensitive, insightful soul and a heart that reaches out to almost everyone. Not much could make me angrier than someone fucking around with that heart!!

sigh

2005-10-21T18:39:00.000+08:00

All in all, life is pretty good right now. The weather has cooled off. Although it is still what most people would call 'hot' during the day, the edge has come off it, the humidity is down, and the evenings are gorgeous. I sleep with my duvet, and with out the a/c!! So exciting!

I have been super busy as I have been subbing full time at a kindergarten. I am there 9:30-11:30, have till 2 before I have to leave for my afternoon evening job. In this time I take Chinese lessons 2 days a week, walk the dog, eat some luch, drink a watermelon juice....I like this time. I then drive to my afternoon evening job to start at 2:30 till 8:30, home by 9...I am actually tired when I get home and have been sleeping, unassisted, very well.

I plan to have a quiet weekend...a drive to the mountains and hike to a waterfall, and the jazz festival starts this weekend. It is a really cool thing for Taichung. 2 adjacent parks have a couple stages set up with free concerts and different booths set up. Last year we only caught the last couple days, but this year I plan to hit the full 3 weeks!!!

I finally spoke to my brother today. I miss him like crazy! This was the first time we spoke since James moved out. We didnt even really address it, and it was just a nice conversation. He was having trouble sleeping (runs in the family) and wanted me to just talk. I was walking the dog, so I was just describing the things that were around me. He said that he figured he would be able to sleep by the end of it. He said that everything I was saying required him to use his imagination so much that he was ready for sleep.

So yes, a good day in Taiwan. Of course still sad, but learning to live with it and keeping it in perspective. Conversations like the following help. My grandpa died 2 years ago, almost to the day... Grandpa was this larger than life sort of guy and my grandma is not really getting over it. She totally rocks, and we msn quite often. Today I was having a group conversation with her and my mom, and she made me cry...again. For the record, the racist comment is just one of those unintentional generational non pc figures of speech...she does this thing quite often, and worse really, but not a reflection on how she would treat anyone!!

Grandma: Have you found another honey?
Angela: Have been keeping very busy
Angela: Not even remotely looking
Grandma: That's what I always say so I know what that means in white man's lingo
Angela: What does it mean?
Grandma: I had my honey and now I am ok
Angela: you should be a translator
Grandma: good eh?
Mom: I think she is
Angela: you made me cry
Grandma: me too!
Mom: No kidding

Tagged!!

2005-10-19T12:46:00.000+08:00

I have been tagged by Janestarr

Rules are as follows:
Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place;add your blog's name in the #5 spot;
link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. Never promised you a rose garden
2. ShutterJane
3. SwissTwist
4. Unraveling the Princess
5. I'm a Rainbow Too

Next: select four new friends to add to the pollen count.(No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

1. Much Ado About Sumtin!
2. Skarredblog
3. Just Another Random Thought
4. Little Fluffy Clouds

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I had just moved back to BC after failing out of Uni in Saskatchewan. I was partying through the hurt of my step-father's death. Booze, bud (not the beer) and boys were the theme of this time period. Fairly self destructive, but never crossing "that line", and really a lot of fun!!

What were you doing one year ago?
James and I had just moved into this apartment. I was in love and blind! Leah and Dave lived across the hall, and we were in the early stages of 'the bubble'. We did everything together! I was really happy during this time period!

What were you doing yesterday?
I got up early to take down the recycling and garbage (they do not pick it up here, you must go down and meet the truck that announces its arrival with 'Greensleaves' blaring) Found a mouse in the trap and had to send a text to all the boys we know to 'deal' with it (felt like SUCH a girl!!) Taught Kindergarten, raced home to pick up Pao Pao and go to my Chinese lesson over lunch. Race home again to drop off Pao Pao and head off to my afternoon/evening job. That one was mostly spent making, and putting up Halloween decorations. Home for a chat with Lisa and Leah before an early night in bed.

5 snacks you enjoy
1. Cheese!!
2. dips of all kinds-guacamole, hummos, tzatziki, salsa, spinach dip mmmm
3.real popcorn with butter and salt
4. potato chips-ketchup, salt and vinager or dill pickle
5. olives

5 songs you know all the words to
1. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
2. Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
3. We're Going to be Friends- WhiteStripes
4. Angry Anymore - Ani Difranco
5. Don't Get Your Back Up - Sarah Harmer

5 things you would do if you had a million dollars
1.Travel - probably working for different NGOs-but go home on a regular basis
2.Pay of my dad's and brother's debts
3. Buy some property in the Kootneys or the Okanagan (Uncle John's, Leah?)
4. of course do some shopping
5. I know that it is boring, but I would definitely invest some of it!!

5 things you like doing
1. Dancing- home, out...doesn't matter
2. Reading
3. Travelling
4. Camping
5. Hanging out- with Paopao, good friends, family...I like just chillin' when I can

5 bad habits
1. Procrastinating
2. Driving to fast
3. Road Rage
4. disorganization (is that a habit????)
5. Bossiness

5 things you would never wear again
I want to note that I realize as soon as I write these they will be on the runway. We will all be wearing them within a year!!
1. Styrup pants
2. Spandex
3. Acid Wash
4. Scrunchies
5.pleated pants

5 favourite toys
1. Mp3 player
f2. Laptop
3. My cell phone
4. digital camera...but its broken
5. i guess my scooter

Random Reflections

2005-10-13T22:45:00.000+08:00

I just realized that James is back in like a week. He was only going for 2 apparently, not the 3 I was picturing. One week in, has anything changed? Yeah, I think a little bit. I know that I am not going to suddenly get over this in a week or two but time apart has given me time look at it through different eyes. I realize why it was so much easier for him to walk away...he wasnt invested. I dont for one second think that he love(d)s me less than I love(d) him. I have full confidence in his love for me, but sorry folks I am going to say it...cliche of all cliches, Love is not enough. Love does not make a relationship. No relationship works without commitment. I am not talking commitment "will you marry me, spend the rest of your life with me, love me forever, make babies with me". What I mean is "right now I love you and am going to treat this relationship like it is going to last". I know things happen, people change, relationships fail, but if you are not going to do what you can to make it work, set yourself up for failure and risk it all, what is the point?

From the first night or two I spent with him I knew that this was different. I knew, and I looked at myself and gave myself permission to get my heart broken. I did not let myself sabatoge it because that is the easy way to go. When he hurt me I did not 'get tough' like I have so many time in the past. I cried, I told him he hurt me, and I forgave him. I conciously went into it like a Sarah Mclaughlin song "and if I feel a rage I won't deny it. I won't fear love". And here I sit.

I am trying to stick with the same philosphy...just a lot more tears lately!! When people ask how I am doing, I tell them. I don't do it in a way that invites a discussion, but if I am feeling shit I say so! I was relieved to talk to my roommate, Lisa, the other day to hear that I am not insane. She shared some heartbreak stories that made me feel so much better with how I am coping.

I am not feeling nearly as overwhelmed by it as I was last week. I had a rough weekend (might have had something to do with me sending him a text the night before he left, inviting him over for....and him not even replying) but the week has given me some perspective. There is a boy at a place that I sub, and apparently we have chemistry...when I get teased about it I get a little girlie and blush and deny it, even though I know it is true. Not thinking anything of it, but I can actually acknowledge chemistry with another boy. The idea of flirting with repercussions does not scare the shit out of me as much at all. Obviously not looking for anything, nor reading too much into anything, but this part of being single feels good...today. Too bad I wasnt in a country where there were actually boys to flirt with!! Knowing my patterns, it is probably a good thing that I am not.

2005-10-13T12:47:00.000+08:00

You are MAC!

What (non drugstore) Makeup Brand Are You?
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Happy Thanksgiving

2005-10-11T12:02:00.000+08:00

This is just going to be a quick one. I have been trying to post my answers to Steph's survey, but keep getting an error. Last night it dawned on me that the last time I got this error, the post published with my following post...so this is it.

Last weekend was a long weekend in Taiwan...10/10 day, basically Taiwan's birthday. It fell quite nicely in time with Canadian Thanksgiving. We had a few friends over for a pot luck dinner. There was not a turkey to be found, so we settled for a chicken...I don't eat either so it didnt really matter to me. We had ALOT of food. The wine was flowing, the joints were passed. (I feel like crap today!!) It was a mixed bag of people and kinda nice to socialize outside of the comfort zone.

On Sunday Lisa, a friend of hers, PaoPao and I took a drive up to Sanyi, a small "famous" town just north of Taichung. It is known for it's woodcarving so it was pretty much a day of window shopping. I bought a few funky lanters under the guise of Christmas presents (just between you and me, they are ALL for me!!!) I hung them up that night and had one of my more humourous puppy moments. Pao Pao is terrified of balloons. When I blew them up for Leah's birthday her ears went back, she hid under the bed just prior to pissing on the floor. I am pretty sure it comes from them popping and sounding like firecrackers (which there are ALOT of in Taiwan) and thunder. Well the morning after hanging the lanterns, Pao Pao came out of the bedroom and started growling with her ears back, toward the window. I though maybe someone was coming up the stairs or something so I went over to see and realized that she was growling at the lantern. Oh bless, I tried to soothe her, and bring her the lantern to smell and realize it wasn't a balloon. As soon as I took it down she let out a yelp and ran under the bed. I couldnt help but burst out laughing...I have my own little Albert!!!

Well not as quick as I anticipated. I am going to have a nap now...lets see if we get a survey out of this too...

Tagged by Steph!

2005-10-06T22:33:00.000+08:00

7 things I plan to do before I die
1)Have a "real job"
2) Make at least one babby
3) Spend time on each continent (kay I'm not fussed about antarctica...but it would be cool to say that I have been there!)
4) Get my SCUBA cert.
5) Learn to speak a second language-FLUENTLY!
6) Indulge in one or a couple sexual fantasies that I won't go into detail about because there are people who read this who really don't need details!!!
7) Tap into my creative/artistic side (i know it's in there SOMEWHERE!!!)

7 things I can do

1)Cook an impressive meal
2) stay afloat in almost any social situation
3) knit a scarf (well half of one...sorry dave, i will finish it before you go!)
4) Make a stranger smile
5) Read a map/find my way around a strange city
6) Travel by myself
7) Teach small children to speak a second language

7 things I cannot do

1) Be a morning person
2) hurt someone's feelings intentionally, even when I really don't like someone, for valid reasons, and I have their achillies heal in sight...i just can't do it
3) eat a meal without spilling all over myself
4) laugh discretly
5) have regular sleeping patterns (i am with you steph...GRRR!!)
6) immitate accents...they all sound irish, and that's only cause I lived there
7) write poetry, play music, draw a picture that looks like anything

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex

1) Ability to make me laugh
2) Appreciate my ability to make them laugh
3) Not afraid to be goofy...I hate the "too cool for school" mentality
4) Intelligence
5) Good style...that balance between well groomed but not TOO well groomed!!
6) gernerosity and thoughtfulness...in all aspects of the relationship
7) Electric eye contact

7 things I say most often

1) "How are you today" "I am fine thank you and you?" (comes from being an english teacher...also "What's your name" "How old are you" "How's the weather today")
2) ting bu dong (chinese: i don't understand)
3) I think not.
4) Boys are stupid!!
5) "Bew Ku EE" ( shouted at Pao Pao-chinese for Don't do that)
6) Inconceivable (kay I don't actually say that, but I couldnt think of one more, and I saw the movie the other day, and it was all that kept going through my head when I was trying to think of things that i say)
7) "What the f*ck? Where the f*ck are you going..open your f*cking eyes you *ss licking sh*t head,What is wrong with you.....(you get the drift!)

7 celebrity crushes

1) Vince Vaugn
2) Johnny Depp
3) Shannyn Sossamon
4) Colin Farrell
5) Ben Harper
6) Angelina Jolie
7) Rory Cochrane (I can't believe they killed him off CSI MIAMI, anyone know what he is up to now?)

people who need to do this
both just because they havent been posting NEARLY enough lately!

1) Bella from next door...Little Fluffy Clouds
and
2)Luv from Luvish
and anyone else who happens to read this thing and would like to share...

SWEET DREAMS!!!

2005-10-04T16:03:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all of your thoughts and concern. I am holding up ok! I played on some slippery ground again this weekend, but this time managed to stay on my feet. I know that I should avoid the situation all together, but IT IS HARD!! It is probably a good thing that said slippery surface is going home to New Zealand this week, for three weeks. I think the time apart will be good. We havent made much of a point to see each other, but when we are out together it is so hard not to gravitate to him. He is still my favourite person in the room. I can not even imagine seeing him and being all "Yeah James, I used to have a scene with him."

Through all of this I am realizing that I may have some repressed anger towards him. It pisses me off! When we were good, we were really good. We had (have) a connection that was visible even to strangers. And now it is over, and he has some new room mates, and he has new job, and he is happy, and that is it. No fight for us, no looking where we went wrong and fixing it. I am not saying I dont think we should have broke up, we needed to. It wasnt working the way it was and he didnt think that he could do what I needed, and I wasnt willing to sacrifice what I needed. It just all seems so easy for him, feels so shit for me.

I have had some pretty intense dreams this past few weeks. They are actually what made me take a look at the anger. The first one was mad, but I thought it a one off. In my dream a large group of us were lounging on some couches and sleeping. I opened my eyes to see James making out with a friend of ours who recently moved back to England and I had one breif neurotic moment about in real life (that never left my head). In my dream I picked up a wine bottle and smashed both their faces....nice.

Second dream I was making out with James, but he had a new girlfriend, that I knew about but I believed that I was 'the real one' or whatever. All of a sudden this girl walks up (and although it wasnt her, she had the 'feel' of this girl that James was with when we were apart then showed up on our doorstep) and freaks out, and apparently she is also sleeping with him. I just remember feeling totally used and betrayed and like my whole world was a lie. I was flipping out and screaming and throwing things at both girls and James...hmmm.

Third dream was just the other night. This Taiwanese girl that I knew James was friends with came and asked me to go for lunch. Over lunch she shared with me that she had been, well, giving James head for months, long before we had broken up. Our friend Andrew had introduced them, and Dave had known about this all along. I burst into Dave and Leah's place screaming and throwing things. One look at Leah and I knew that she hadnt known, but I made Dave admit that he knew, and proceeded to throw a oil burner at his head. I ran downstairs to see Andrew and Ryno standing there. I walked up to Andrew and punched him in the face so hard that he fell and didnt get up. I turned to Ryno and sobbed in his arms. I woke up sobbing.

Represss much? Oh, maybe just a little!!

Seduce

2005-10-03T20:12:00.000+08:00

My new job leaves me several hours a day to play on the internet....I thought this result was especially funny, as I was just thinking last night that I had lost all powers of seduction that I may have once had....

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.
You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?
You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Oops!

2005-09-24T21:27:00.000+08:00

I slipped and fell. I am ok, a little bruised, but ok. I have a feeling there will be some aches in the days to come, but for now I am just more just annoyed that I wasn't more careful. Not that it is an excuse, but I had had a few g and ts and didn't quite realize how unstable my footing was. Looking back I can see where the path started to get slippery. That is where I should have turned back, but I didn't. I know better, you have to turn back before you start to slip. Once you are sliding the odds of not falling are pretty slim. The key is looking ahead...Is that a slippery section? Hmm, could be, maybe I should head in this direction for awhile. . .

It just sucks that the slide is so much fun!

Woes of a Single Mom

2005-09-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

Ok, first I want to acknowledge that this is nothing compared to ACTUALLY being a single mom...Really wouldn't want to trivialize someone else's woes!

But, our...Let me rephrase that, my Pao Pao is no longer a woman. I took her in last night and this morning they removed or tied or snipped whatever it was they needed to remove or tie or snip to keep me from having Grandpuppies. She must stay in for 3 days, and it was heartwrenching to see her. I left work earlier so that I could get in during visiting hours. James happened to be there too. She was in pretty good spirits considering what she has gone through today, and definitely happy to see us. It was horrid having to leave her though. Eventually James and I had to walk away cause she wasn't going anywhere with that lady.

It was a little awkward with James...But not too bad. I think that both of us are realizing that we need to step back to get over this. Constant contact and communication with someone you still love begs the question...Why are we apart?

I was glad that he went to see her. He and I had not seen each other since Monday when he made it clear that he wanted no responsibilities or expectations when it came to Pao Pao. Apparently she is not his dog. Came as a bit of a surprise, and a big disappointment. She has been SO INCREDIBLY mopey and down since he moved out. It is to the point that it's not just me that notices it....He and I work such different schedules that he could come see her almost daily and never have to cross paths with me...

On the other hand, I understand that it is probably not easy to walk away from a life. I know I would not enjoy having to come back here to VISIT my dog, house, ex-girlfriend and former bubble members...He is trying to start anew, and doing what he has to do. It just makes me sad that it is Pao Pao sitting up on the roof by herself for hours on end. It is almost annoying how much she loves him...Just the sound of his bike driving up, or him climbing the stairs and she perks up.

It will all sort itself out. Pao Pao gets more love and attention than most dogs...Especially Taiwanese dogs. God, imagine this site if this was an actual child. I would be a basket case!!!

Good Days/Bad Days

2005-09-20T15:29:00.000+08:00

I know that I have been neglectful...So much going on in this little head of mine. I am almost scared to talk about it in case I get a bit of flood gate effect. I have to be careful because people involved read this and I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, or invade someone else's privacy (again). I haven't mapped this out at all in my head. This is just me throwing stuff out there as it comes, cause it can't all stay in...

One week and two days ago James moved out. It hit me like a ten ton truck. It had been a month since we decided to break up, and I thought I was prepared. I was even helping to find him an apartment. I don't know which is bigger, my sadness, or the surprise at my sadness. I have always been good at 'control'. I have been through some major grief processes, and thought that I knew how this was going to hit me. I didn't. I feel like I am losing my mind. I had conversations with people, and look back and wonder what the hell I was talking about. I haven't been sleeping. I am resentful of everyone and everything. No, you don't know what I am going through. You did not go through exactly the same thing. I realize that I have a lot of good friends here, and they do care about me.

I already feel it slowly improving though. A very glib comment made by James is forcing out that pathetic back of the mind glimmer of hope that maybe he will figure his shit out, and decide that we are worth the effort needed. I guess we aren't worth the effort needed. It is really hard to fully let go when I still have so much love for him, and still feel the love from him. I always had felt like he and I were somehow fated, that this was 'big love' or 'true love'. And I thought that I was a realist....

I am starting to see glimses of 'single independent Ang' again. Not that there were any big changes in me in a couple, but I used to love being single. I traveled by myself for over 2 years in Europe. At 32 I am finishing my first serious relationship. That was 29 year of hanging out with me. I had fun. I am looking forward to rediscovering this part of myself. I am planning a long weekend in Bangkok by myself...Just because.

That's all I have right now...I will try and do this more often, so that it is not so scattered. Instead of 'good days/ bad days' really it is 'good moments/ bad moments'!

Interesting Tidbit

2005-09-03T16:59:00.000+08:00

Last weekend my Taiwanese friend, Ann, and I were going for a tea with Pao Pao in tow. She wanted to walk Pao Pao so I told her that I walk with Pao Pao on the left, as you should be walking on the left facing traffic. Common knowledge, right...Always walk facing the traffic so you can see them coming, make eye contact all that stuff...Yeah, not in Taiwan. I can't believe how much my understanding of "common knowledge" has been rocked. It really is just a cultural construct.

After walking for a few minutes Ann tried to explain to me that in Taiwan you are not taught to walk on the left facing traffic, but on the right with you back to it. Although her English is impeccable, she had trouble explaining it to me. At first she kept saying that they will see you better.(??) Finally she managed to explain that if you have your back to the traffic they will know that you can't see them, and they will avoid you. If you walk facing the traffic, they will assume that you can see them, and you will get out of the way, so they make no attempts to avoid you.

hmmm....Well, given what I know know about traffic in Taiwan it makes sense. When you get to a four way stop there is no right of way. If you slow down, the other cars will go, and keep going until you are in there way. If you make eye contact with someone (at home what you do to make sure that they see you, so you can proceed) then they know that you have see them and will go. There is a sense of just do what you are going to do, and hope people will get out of your way. On a daily basis you can see someone pulling a U-turn in the middle of a very busy 4 lane road. If you just go slow enough to give people time to stop then it is all ok! It is very frustrating, and I spend a lot of time with my thumb on the horn, but I try to keep in mind that it although it is chaos, it is organized chaos. When you keep in mind the assumptions that everyone else is under, rather than the ones that apply at home, you relieve yourself of A LOT of stress and headache!!

Very Zen-like thoughts in the comfort of my own home ...I will be sure to remind myself of these thoughts as I shake my fist and shout profanities at someone for putting my life in peril!

some of the bad taste crew

2005-08-20T19:32:00.000+08:00

some of the bad taste crew
Originally uploaded by doofs.

Early in the evening we got a group shot of the bad tast party. Some truely hideous clothing,and some awfully bad taste!!

Birthday Girls!

2005-08-20T19:29:00.000+08:00

anglea and shirley had the party together
Originally uploaded by doofs.

Off to Bad Taste Birthday Party

2005-08-20T19:24:00.000+08:00

Off to Bad Taste Birthday Party
Originally uploaded by i'm a rainbow too.

I quit waiting around for Leah to get back and show me how to post pictures, and figured it out for myself. YAY ME!!

My friend Ruth and I hired out a bar to share our birthday party. It had a Bad Taste theme. Some great costumes. I think Ali gets some credit for some truely BAD TASTE! Notice in the front of the group photo, a small child. Yes, in true Taiwanese and bad taste form, somebody brought their young nephew to the bar!! He had a great time though!

Single White Female

2005-08-15T09:53:00.000+08:00

I can't even put into words what is happening, or why, or how I am feeling about it. There are no song lyrics that make sense to me, or they all do and it makes me feel REALLY pathetic. But here, at the end leaves me looking back to the beginning. It is a good story, I thought that it was a good enough story to make it last. I am big enough to realize that fairy tales don't really happen though.

This time three years ago I was backpacking through Europe, had been for just about two years. I was in Greece and some bad stuff happened. Bad enough to almost chase me home, and bad enough to rock my faith in men, man kind in general really. I ran into a girl that I had hung out previously on a different island, Cassie, and she invited me to join a group of people to head over to Turkey. It was just what I needed as I was hesitating to venture into Turkey in my vulnerable state. On the ferry over more and more people kept joining. It seemed that everyone decided to bring a couple friends until there was a group of 16 of us. It was amazing and safe and special. There were two guitars and a harmonica and everynight we sang and danced. There is nothing like a few Irishmen in the group to brighten the mood!

So at the end of the month when I was planning to go to Croatia by myself my arm was quite easily twisted to join the bulk of the group to journey up to Munich for Oktoberfest. Some flew, Cassie and I took a 52 hour bus ride, the Irish lads even hitchhiked. We all just managed to run into each other at the campsite!! The first night of Oktoberfest was spent drinking at the playground of the campsite. The boy/girl odds were stacked highly in our favour, and I was enjoying some fun attention.

As I was sitting there I saw three boys walk up, and thought that all of them were pretty cute. The shorter one sat down beside me and came on strong. He was from California, in the movie industry. Wanted to take me back to his tent and perform Rieki on me. So that's what we are calling it these days! I started talking to the other two. One a kiwi, the other Aussie both with long curly hair. I remember sitting there with the kiwi, James, and watching our friends playing in the playground and laughing. Suddenly everyone else was gone and there we were giggling, drinking beer, alone in the playground. Eventually we were so cold that we couldn't justify sitting there anymore. He casually mentioned that it would be silly for us to sleep in different tents. He hadn't even kissed me yet...So I kissed him and joined him in his tent. He was a gentleman and gave me his airmattress, shared his sleeping bag and held me tight.

In the morning we went our separate ways. It was Cassie's birthday and I followed a note left on our tent to one of the beer halls. God I loved Oktoberfest!! All the lads were teasing me about James as it was the first time they had seen me hook up in that whole month we had known each other. Even that first day I was smitten and when we got back to the campsite I definitely had my eyes peeled for him. And there, swaying in front of the bathrooms he was looking out toward the direction of my tent. I ran up and we kissed and danced and sang. We spent 5 nights in that tent where we joked about being each other's boyfriend girlfriend and going on dates, we kissed and enjoyed each other!

The morning we left was rough, we were hung over, tired and miserable. He was on a package bus tour back to England where he worked. We exchanged email addresses and I watched his bus drive away. The irishlads took great pleasure in trying to cheer me (or themselves) up by trying to make me cry. I got an email from him within a couple days!

After a couple months in Germany and Holland I made my broke ass back to Ireland to work again. Cassie was there too, and when a very large group of the lads decided to go to Edinburgh for Hogmanay (New Years) we eagerly joined. James and Scott (long haired Aussie) had also decided on Scotland..Hurrah! There were millions of people on that tiny street as Boy George sand his little heart out. Finding James through the throngs of people seemed impossible, walking seemed impossible. As the party wound down, and I was sulking about not getting my New Years kiss I decided to do one loop around as the people had thinned out significantly. Again wobbling, James was there. He had been drinking since New Zealand New Years which was at 10 am, and was as messed as I have seen him! After a brief incident where he kissed some girl, I walked away and realized that was not how we ended so went back and took him home.

We both said goodbye to our friends and traveled together in Scotland for a week. It was a whirlwind of Bed and Breakfasts where we saw a lot more of the beds. It was amazing. I never thought I could feel that way about anyone. During our tearful goodbye in Glasgow he assured me that we would be seeing each other again.

From Ireland to England we said goodnight to each other via text messaging every night. True to his word he came over to Ireland when he had some time off, which happened to be valentine's Day. We spent a week again in Bed and Breakfasts, this time around Ireland. During this week I told him that I was going to be going home, and thinking of doing a cross Canada trip, and would he like to join me...And yes he would!!!

When I went back to Canada I went back to my mom's place in Saskatchewan. I got a job at the local small town bar and James joined me a couple months later. His first week or two there I wierded out a bit, and he almost left, and then overnight I came around. We spent 2 months in SMALL town Saskatchewan, him doing odd jobs, and me being the local bar wench! We headed out to BC to my dad's place where we did some more odd jobs. We bought a car and headed out east. We spent two months traveling across Canada. We slept in a tent each night, and cooked on a small gas burner. We sat around the fire each night. We hiked, we kayaked, we explored the country and each other.

Once we were back in BC we knew it as coming to an end. He was only supposed to stay in Canada 6 months, and it had already been 8. I needed to finish up one credit at University, and his mom was going in for surgery. He had not been back home in 3 years. With my cousin Leah, we decided to meet up again in Taiwan after we all did what we had to do. I got here in 6 months, he in 8. We moved in together right away. I love teaching and it comes easy for me. The same can not be said for James....It wasn't all bad, but the good started to seem like a memory. I love him. I can't imagine not loving him. Even good stories come to an end.

Crazy too!

2005-08-12T11:01:00.000+08:00

I had too much to say in response to Leah's post, so I am posting it myself....

Last night James and I went for Chinese valentine's dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant. We sat outside as Pao Pao was with us. Up stumbled an obviously drunk and mentally disturbed Taiwanese man (starting to sound like bad joke....A kiwi, a canuck and their Chinese dog were sitting in an Indian restaurant when a ...) Anyway...It was very surprising as, although you often see people with physical disabilities, you really don't see the 'crazies' or Downs syndrome or any mental disabilities. I have asked about them, and I get the impression that there are a whole lot of institutions, but people don't really talk about it.

Even more surprising was the fact the man spoke a bit of English. He was in his mid-late forties and looking at him you would not guess he was educated. I guess that's the point with mental illness, you can't tell by looking. The guy commented on Pao Pao (he had a dog too) and was looking for interaction, not aggressive like Leah's experience. James quite politely told him that we were eating dinner, goodbye (without making eye contact). I looked up and smiled. As he stumbled away, knocking down the menu board, he told me I was beautiful and left.

I can not not make eye contact. I refuse to not make eye contact. Having just returned from Vancouver I have had a lot of recent exposure to people I 'shouldn't make eye contact with'. Downtown Van is filled with homeless people, drug addicts, pan handlers, crazies, bums, prostitutes, general dredges of society. These people are all part of my community, and are all part of my experience. I am not making any judgment on how other people deal with there own personal situations, but for me I CAN NOT relegate these people to untouchable status. I will politely say "Sorry, no" when asked for money, or sometimes give but I will always give a polite smile and acknowlegement. On more than one occasion this has led to more hassle/harassment than I was bargaining for, but I am willing to risk having to be rude to one person so that I can treat ten more like human beings.

I don't want to give the impression that I am holier than thou. This is not some complete altruistic attitude. Quite early on in my life I decided how I wanted to perceive the world, and the kind of person I wanted to be in it. One of the things I decided on was that I was not going to live in fear of my neighbor, the people on the street. If I am walking down a dark ally and (to emphasize the point in a stereotypical manner) a very large, tough looking African American man walks towards me...Hell a group of them walk towards me, I look up, smile and say good evening. My heart may be racing but I refuse to not. It actually got me in some trouble in Turkey, where I got followed home and grabbed at before I realized that in some cultures it is not a matter of manners, but invitation.

Leah, in your situation I would have done the same though. It is pretty self absorbed to think that there is anything we could do or say to alleviate their distress, or that they have any wish to be helped my some middle class white chick. At that point in time there is nothing more interesting than the eggs on your plate and what Uncle Richard is saying!! I like that you think past "some crazy guy was yelling at me and it was scary" though. I miss you!!

You Say It's My Birthday...

2005-08-07T22:40:00.000+08:00

So I got back into this fine country on Mon and my birthday was on Wed. Usually I am counting down the sleeps to my birthday for a good 2 ...3 weeks...ok a month. I believe that everyone is allowed one day to be their very own day, and I get as excited about other's birthdays as I do about my own-well almost as excited. This year was a bit different as I was more counting down the days to come back to Taiwan, than for my birthday. It wasn't really so much a count down either, I mean part of me was really looking forward to being back, but it is always hard to leave home!

I woke up Wed morning to breakfast in bed..always a good start. After James went to work my friend Megan called to take me out for breakfast. As I had already eaten I had a smoothie, and we had some good girlie catch-up chats. By the time I got home it was lunch time so Pao Pao, James, Dave and I went out and Dave treated me to lunch.

I had to go straight to work from lunch. It was my first day back at the one job, and my first day ever at the second job. The first job was filled with hugs and I love you and missed you's...a good feeling on any day. I was a bit nervous about the new job, but it went well, and when I was done my class the came out with a cake and all sang to me and gave me a card...so nice!!

I drove home in the pre typhoon rain to a bouquet of irises (my fave!!), funky house slippers and a GIANT homemade card from Dave. James had made some inquiries and found a super funky romantic vegetarian restaurant to take me for dinner, followed by a beer with Dave. I got a text from my friend Ruth who I was to share a birthday party with last night, and she told me she was going to take me for a foot massage for my birthday. James is sending me to the 12 hour spa for my present from him...Pampered? Why yes, thank you!!

Ruth's birthday is tomorrow so, in very unLeo fashion, we decided to share a party. We hired out a little bar and called a 'bad taste' party. If I ever figure out how, I will post some photo's from the night because it was absolutely brilliant!! Most people put in a lot of effort or at least thought and the atmosphere was great. The people at the bar were so great too. They gave us the run of the place from 9-11. They gave Ruth and I each a 'red envelope' containing Nt200 ($8 Cnd) It is traditional for kids to get a 'red envelope' for there birthday and Chinese New Years. Bosses give them at Chinese New Years too, and when the kids grow up they in turn give them to their elderly parents and grandparents. It is done for luck (of course) but is a really nice tradition, and was a really nice gesture from the bar!! James and I stumbled home at about 5, and the animals went on to sing KTV until 8. I am too old for that shit now!! (truth be told I am still a bit jet lagged and only got 3 hours sleep the night before)

All in all a very, very nice birthday. My house is a disaster...with, much to Pao Pao's terror balloons scattered everywhere. I am tired. I am full. I have good friends and a place in this mixed up world that we call Taiwan. At this paticular moment in time, I am truly happy.

ps Leah, Dave and I had a moment of silence for you...you were there with us!!!

First impressions

2005-08-01T15:31:00.000+08:00

Home?
Jet Lag
Tired
Hot
Excited
PAO PAO!!
Puppy Love!

Confused
Suspicious
Guilty?
Angry
Sad
Relieved?

A wealth of emotions, and I can't really elaborate until I look at the situation with clearer focus.

I can only say that my heart is racing, and there may be some emotional posts later.

Right now I am completely alone. I used to embrace this feeling, and now it makes me sick. It was good for me back in Canada, because you get used to having someone around, and I don't just mean a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you forget what you are capable of doing on your own. The truly alone can be a scary place, I mean, look at how many of us are seeking contact with strangers and invisibles in this very forum. When I traveled in Europe I had some experiences that left me feeling completely isolated. Now that I look back on them I feel empowered by them in a way that I haven't felt in a long time.

Maybe it is good that Leah is not here for all this, maybe I need to prove to myself that I am still 10 feet tall and undefeatable. Maybe I am sleep deprived, jet lagged, homesick, culture shocked and making a 2 hour feature drama out of a mere half hour after school special, I'll let you know!

Bliss

2005-07-22T00:21:00.000+08:00

I wish I was back in Taiwan...N'T!!!

Yesterday I woke up early to get a ride into town with my dad and his girlfriend, Therese. At 8am they dropped me off at my grandma's where she was waiting impatiently. "It is going to be too hot for me to golf if we go much later!" Yes, Grammy, let's go! 9 holes, not my best game, but lots of laughs with Grams, and look around, this place is SO beautiful! Home by 9:30, let's get washed up, we're making perogies (YAYAYAY!!)

My Auntie (Leahbella's mama) showed up a few minutes later. With Grandma instructing, hovering and criticizing, we made perogies "OH Debbie, that's too much in there!", "Did you salt the water Ang?", "Oh Angie, not like that, here let me show you!" It makes me smile just thinking about it. Auntie Debbie had been staying with Grandma, so it was not nearly as endearing to her, but lots of winks, smile and long looks behind Grandma's back made it bearable for all!! After a feast of perogies (mmm perogies) we made our exit so Grandma could have her afternoon nap while watching her 'shows'.

Those who read Leah's blog (and I am pretty sure all of you do, as if it wasnt for her no one would read this dither) know that Leah's mom has recently left her partner of 18 years (known in my world as Uncle Chris). Uncle Chris lives overlooking beatiful Wood lake, and has a boat. Alot of family time was spent at Debbie and Chris's place, and summers were all about 'out on the boat'. A very selfish and superficial part of my grief over the break up of this relationship was the loss of the 'family base camp' and the boat. Auntie knew I would really like to go out on the boat, set her feeling aside for one day (GOD BLESS HER!!!) and offered to come out on the boat. (you need three, as you need a spotter) I spent the afternoon bouncing over the wake on Big Bertha, then floating peacefully in the middle of the lake on her. It was absolute bliss; felling the wind in my hair and my toes, water splashing in my face, looking up through the spray at the beauty of the place I call home, and looking up at the boat and seeing two of my favorite people, I could almost pretend all was right with the world for a few moments!!

As my face began to feel tight from smiling and sun, Auntie and I jumped into her car and she drove me back into town to meet up with my friends Jared and Michelle (the little people). At Michelle's work I thanked Auntie profuesly and hopped in with my friends. We stopped at the liquor store for Vanilla Stoli, and Safeway for Veggieburgers and fruit for blender drinks. After a quick dip in the pool we ate our burgers and drank out blender drinks poolside, overlooking Okanagan lake (did I mention bliss?) It is 930 am now, they have gone to work and my dad isn't picking me up until 2. The sun is shining and if I lean over I can see the pool glistening in the sun....why am I sitting at this compu....

BOYS ARE STUPID, THROW ROCKS AT THEM!!

2005-07-16T10:11:00.000+08:00

Since I arrived in my home and native land four weeks ago I have hardly heard from my boy at all. I had two very short, straight to the point emails, and one strained msn. The little while before I left things had been a bit rough, but as he wouldn't talk to me about it I had no idea just how rough they were. The week before I left things were a little better, and I was feeling ok about our 6 weeks apart; time to reflect, miss each other and maybe start anew...I guess that was wishful thinking. I had not heard from him since July 2, so last week I emailed him letting him know that I was feeling a bit weird, and would try to call, but an email once in awhile would be nice. I tried calling, no answer, forward to voice mail...no email. I wrote another email "am I missing a really big hint here?" laid it out on the line, "are you just caught up in your own shit, if so, I really need a bit more than this, or is it over, I need to know" Guess what he wrote back....yeah, nothing!

So here I am trying to enjoy what time I have with my family (right now I am down in the Kooteney's visiting my favorite uncle, and his rugrats 6,11,13) and doing my best not to be overwhelmed by the fact that I may be on the receiving end of the most passive dump in history and might be going back to that weird and strange country that I call home single for the first time in 3 years. Even better, I might be completely over reacting, and looking like a spazzy hysterical girlfriend.

Topping this all off, the other night I went out with my friend Kathy. We went to a pub and had a few pints with a former professor of ours and ended up going to the local night club with him. I experienced the worst reverse culture shock since my return. It was a veritable cougarfest!! Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a familiar face in the corner of the club. It was a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on for about 5 years, Shawn. We had started hanging out when his exgirlfriend became pregnant with his kid, and things came to a screeching halt. I had seen him around a few times since, and although he was still able to make my knees week with that steely gaze nothing ever came of it, and I left for Europe a year or so later.

I avoided even looking at that area of the bar. Just as we were about to leave he came up and gave me a big hug. I guess my disdain for the place was apparent to all because the first thing he said was to assure me that he was not living in town, and did not frequent this fine establishment. We chatted for awhile and his friend came up and invited us over to his place for a beer. We all hung out for a bit, discussed music, drank beer...good times. Kathy quite suddenly decided to go home, and within seconds Shawn's friend let us know that he was going to bed. Shawn reading my body language remarkable well reassured me that he wasn't going to hit on me. I told him that I had a boyfriend. He then, as only boys who know you have a boyfriend do, told me all the things that I would have killed to hear 7 years ago. After a few minutes of hearing just how cool I am, he asked if he could kiss me. I told him that it was time for me to go home. He gave me a ride home and gave me his phone number saying he would love to 'just hang out, just friends'!

WHAT THE F*CK!!??!!?? So now here I am feeling like shit for getting myself in a situation that I should never have been in, feeling like shit because my boyfriend feels that I am a disposable accessory to his life, feeling like shit because, although I didn't do anything wrong, there was part of me that wanted to, and what the hell...Shawn knew I had a boyfriend, what is with saying all that crap when I have made in very clear that I AM NOT going to sleep with him? (I know I shouldn't have been there anyway, but come on!!)....here I am being painfully faithful to a guy that isn't even acknowledging my existence......

boys are stupid (and so am I!!)

MY DAD'S A SUPAH STAH!! (shameless plug)

2005-07-11T14:00:00.000+08:00

We arrived at my Grandma's place in beautiful British Columbia on fri evening. My dad's band is releasing a CD and the launch was this weekend. As a lot of family was staying at his place I stayed at Gram's for the weekend. We decided to go to the Sat night concert so I said I said I would babysit my cousin's gorgeous babby for the night(and with my mom and Grams there, I hardly got to touch babby, my kind of babysitting!). Sat I went shopping with my 2 aunts on my dad's side. I hadn't seen the one since before I went to Europe, so it's been like 5 years...Cool day!

My aunt on my mom's side came up from Van for the concert (I love that although they celebrated there 25th divorce anniversary this year my dad, mom and their families remain close!!) so Sat evening Mom, Grammy, Auntie Dale, Uncle #6 Norm, and I headed down to the theatre. My friend Kathy drove up from Vancouver for the event and met us there. In the lobby before the show I started to get excited....I saw Therese, my dad's girlfriend (who I LOVE!!) and all the wives of the band members, I ran into an ex of my dad's who I was close to and so many people that I had not seen in years.

So there in the front row was Kathy, me, Grandma (dad's ex mother in law), Auntie Dale (ex sister in law), Norm, Kelly (ex girlfriend), and Bev (sister of ex girlfriend). The lights went down and after a totally sycophantic introduction,to thunderous applaud, strode three of my favourite men in the world. I had not seen my dad in over a year and I got unexpectedly teary.

My dad's band, The Lent, Fraser Wall Trio (www.lentfraserwall.com), consists of two acoustic guitars and vocals. My dad is the rhythm guitarist, and in a band with no base or drums it's a pretty important position!! Neil is the lead guitarist and this man plays with such intensity, grace and sheer talent that he often gives me goosebumps. He is a guitar teacher and this man lives music!! John is the vocalist. He is a creative writing prof at the University and has published a few books of poetry and novels. He can paint such an amazing picture with worlds that most of his songs actually have a visual aspect for me. As far as a genre they fall somewhere between blues, jazz and folk, not so easy to pigeon hole! All three of them are these friendly, funny, goofy, self-deprecating local celebrities.

During the first number I made eye contact with Neil and got one of his warm smiles and a wink. During the second number John spotted me and gave me one of his cheeky smiles. After that song John started in with the "There are so many people here that we love, Shelby's daughter Angie here (they still call me Angie)" My dad looks up "Angie's here!!! Where is she?" John and Neil both point me out. I prepare to give a big wave when dad jumps up and jumps off the stage and give me a huge hug and kiss with spotlight on us and 250 people applauding! What a mix of emotion...crying with joy, embarrassed, and worried that my skirt was stuck up my ass in front of 250 people!! Kathy was teary, my mom and grandma were bawling and John says "I think your daughter is here somewhere too!" I love them!!

BALLOONS

2005-07-05T16:20:00.000+08:00

We spent this weekend out at the lake/park. It was Canada and there were some great celebrations for small town Saskatchewan: fireworks, beer gardens, bands, cabarets, face painting, clowns and of course balloons. I am not sure why, but ever since I was little, the sight of a balloon floating away makes me really sad, and slightly anxious. I can remember getting teary watching some other kids balloon floating into the distance. Maybe I still relate to the fear of losing my own balloon. That knot could not be tight enough around my wrist, and I still had to hang on to it in my fist. Letting go of the balloon to let my wrist feel full the full tension of the floating balloon would make my stomach do flip flops....It is the same feeling I get when I (or watch somebody else) hold something out a high window or off a bridge...No matter how securely I hold it turns my whole body to jelly. I am a psych major, I should be able to analyze this. I have never heard of it as a phenomenon though...Anyone else?

Life in a Small Town

2005-07-02T00:28:00.000+08:00

My first day here, also the hottest day they have had here in years, was rough. The two hour time change from BC to Saskatchewan added new life to my jet lag! I tried to watch a movie with one of the town kids (who is not really a kid anymore, she's 19) and she left cause I kept snoring. I managed to stay away till 11 but I had some visitors at about 2:30 am. Mom had been working at the bar that I used to work at and she woke me up to tell me that some of the local boys wanted to have a drink with me. I couldn't get up, so they crawled in with me...Good times!

At 8:30 Thurs morning mom again woke me up (I was getting grumpy) to tell me that my brother Kevin was on the phone. I spoke to him and he was on his way down. Hurrah! Not grumpy anymore!!! When he got out of his truck I ran out to hug him. He ran, so I chased him around the truck and he ran and hugged mom who was standing there. He said that she had to go first, cause if she didn't she would only get left-over, then I got the best hug I have had in over a year!!!

In the past week we have hung out at the bar quite a bit because mom has been working (it started as a favour to the owners, but she enjoys it so much that it has turned into a regular thing) so there has been a lot of bullshitting and complaining about the weather! We have gone out for lunch in neighboring towns a few times, had a few Blizzards and even went golfing one day, and fishing another. We rented a little boat and I was just going to go along for the ride so I mostly drove the boat. Both of them were getting a little annoyed with me nearing the end of the day. Three times one of them handed me there rods to hold because they were helping the other one, or just needed a break. Within seconds I had a bite. By the third time they were not even believing me. It was really very amusing until Kevin told me that I had fishy finger....hmm! But we caught our limit that day and even had to throw a few back because they were too big!! That night we had a gorgeous huge fry up of pickerel and bannock...mmmm bannock!

Overall it has been a great visit so far. It took Kevin and I a few days to find our feet again and there were a few tense moments. I think we are pretty good now, which I am happy about. I am almost 32 years old, I don't want to be fighting with my little brother. Not to mention that I only see him once a year or so. He is one of my favourite people in the whole world, I certainly don't want to spend my time with him angry!! My mom and I have long since worked out our differences, and although she drives me nuts sometimes, we don't usually have any real tensions! They are playing Kaiser behind me, so I hear some friendly banter, there is a ham cooking in the oven, so the smell has permeated the house...All is right with the world!

Home Again Home Again Jiggidy Jig!!!

2005-06-23T09:17:00.000+08:00

So...up at 5:00 on a Saturday morning, (bed at 2:30 after porn motel...another post!!!) 2.5 hour bus ride to Taipei and I was off. Next was the 2 hour plane ride to Manila where I got to spend 5 hours, at least I got one last cool stamp in my passport before I renew it!! After that was a lovely 13 or so hours to Vancouver. I took a sleeping pill so it was relatively unscathing. Coincidentally I was seated with a guy who teaches in Taipei, and is from the town I grew up in. We were part of the same drama club in high school!

Bleary eyed, I disembarked my make-shift home only 5 hours later than the time that I left Taiwan!! Standing there smiling in the beautiful Vancouver airport, was my friend Ali. This girl is SO cool! She took me back to her place by Main and Broadway and took me out for lunch at some cool, funky and DELICIOUS veggie restaurant! She was starting a house-sitting job that night so we Sky Train-ed and bussed out to the North Shore! What a great reintroduction to Canada!!! This house had a panoramic view of mountains, ocean, bridges, beautiful Vancouver skyline!!

Next day I went out to New West to meet up with my friend Kathy. She is as jaded and cynical as ever! I am glad that some things never change!! We shopped, we walked along the Quay, we giggled, chatted and best of all we had micro-brewery beer-waterside!!! Monday we did some more shopping (and clothes fit me!!!!), traveled downtown and did some running around and had coffee, again you guessed it-seaside!! I went back to Ali's and we headed back to the North Shore to eat dinner on the deck and watch a movie. Tues (yesterday) I was scheduled to fly here to Saskatchewan so Ali and I got up early got her bikes and went for a ride. First we rode out to Granville Island, then over the bridge and back up to her place along the seawall! God I Love Vancouver!!!

I am now in Saskatchewan with my mom, and it is great! I am glad to have the decompression time in Van before I came here though. No big reverse culture shocks though, I was expecting much worse! The biggest things that I noticed was how fat everyone here is! I am far from skinny, but I did not remember how overweight we are as a society! The most notable was teenage girls. I remembered them to be skinny minnies, but even the ones that are not 'fat' are not healthy looking....
Second thing I noticed was that people stopped for me when I was crossing the street. Ali laughed at me and said they must be mistaking me for a foreign dignitary because I was so surprised when they stopped without even a redlight!!!

I am really trying to keep Taiwan in my forethoughts, and even try and to miss it a bit! It will be too hard to go back if I don't!
OK well that is about it for now.....I have lots of time, so I should be posting more often!!! Miss you

Bu Shi Wan Jung Lung!!!!!

2005-06-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

One of the first phrases I learned in Chinese. I still get random students coming up and saying it to me...The other day a parent even came up to me, said it and laughed...It means "I don't like cockroaches!!!"
James was cooking dinner, so I was going to wash up the dishes real quick. I was running some water in the sink when out from the tiny drain holes at the top of the sink squeezed, or more like oozed a huge cockroach! I TOTALLY freaked!! I am usually pretty good about keeping my cool with them. Dave and Leah are usually the big girls about cockroaches (unless Leah has her bowstaff!) so it usually corners me to be tough about it. My reaction was so involuntary though...It was like something out of a movie, only in the movie hundreds more would have followed...SO GROSS! I am so excited that in two more sleeps I will be in a cockroach free zone!!!

dumb phrase

2005-06-07T15:22:00.000+08:00

I want to know what is up with the phrase "have your cake and eat it too". Why on earth would Iwant cake that Icouldn't eat? And if it is my cake to start with who are you to tell me that I can't eat it? I don't even like cake, so you can keep the whole boody thing!!!! Does anyone know where this ridiculous phrase comes from?

# 2 - Penny!

2005-06-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

1. Describe the most homesick experience of your time in Taiwan.

Homesick is really not the prevailing emotion I have in Taiwan. I spent over 2 years traveling in Europe by myself, so I hit some pretty low moments there. It was there that I imagined a hug from my brother and the sound of his voice and cried myself to sleep. It was there that I really went through the personal shit and had to do it on my own. There is stuff that I will never tell my immediate family because I know that it would make them too sad and I have since dealt with it myself....
Here I have my Leah for family, and James for love, and Dave for laughs and to make our bubble complete...I have wonderful friendships and a home with a puppy. The thing that Taiwan has that I never really felt in Europe is culture shock. A year later I still feel it.
I guess if I look at the question on a broader level and look at it as homesick for all things familiar and normal and not backwards upside down and inside out to how I am used to them then....
I think it would have to be the driving. I can not emphasize enough how fucked up it is here. They are not just bad drivers, there is a complete lack of any common sense WHATSOEVER!!! Left hand turns into on coming traffic as the light switches green, from the far right hand side, cutting in front of all the other vehicles going straight. Stopping and reversing in the middle of the road, I just can not get over it. Someone pointed out that they really believe in good fortune. So they will turn right onto a busy street without looking because the gods are looking out for them!!! I am a little nervous about coming back to drive in Canada!!

2. If you could be a band, what would you call yourself, what music would you play, what position would you hold in the band, what would the names of your top five chart toppers be and what would everyone know as your trademark?

It would definitely be a 'the' name....looking around, I like "The Socks!" Although that sounds a bit like a baseball team....It would definitely be a punk band and I would definitely be the bass player. The hard popping rhythms but with a lot more glory and spotlight than the drummer.
I am in a bit of a creative rut right now...I can't think of chart toppers let alone trademarks....I am going to have to let this one go. I have answered all the other questions and am at a total wall with this one....I will have a brain wave in the middle of the night and give you a much better answer, I promise!!!!

3. If you could cure the world of cancer or aids, which would you chose. Explain or Justify..

Well on purely selfish reasons I would cure Cancer. My mom has Cancer, as have several other people close to me. I am also a lot more likely (like almost certainly) to be diagnosed with Cancer than I am of AIDS.
On a broader level it would still be Cancer. With education and on a personal level, behavior modification, AIDS can mostly be prevented. I know that this doesn't help the people who already have it, but I am trying to look past this generation and long into the future. Cancer is going to touch all of us at some point and I don't think that I can see past how it has already touched me...

4. Explain why it's wrong to eat dogs, but not cows.

It's not...in a culture where dog's are companions it seems abhorrent to eat them, but as we all know, in India cows are sacred, and it is unthinkable for them to eat a cow. I don't really eat either animal, but if I were in a country where it was the practice to eat dog, I would not turn my nose up. I certainly wouldn't order the lab chops or anything but I would give it a try. It is a daily struggle here to get past my cultural biases, and the dog thing is just another one!! I grew up on a dairy farm, and have had a few cows as chatting companions at 5am milking time. Cows are an under rated species, and are actually a very amusing animal!!! Maybe people should start having pet cows....

5. If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be and what is the first thing you would do?

My first thought was that I have always wanted to be a boy for a day. I am dying to have a wank, write my name in the snow, get in a bar fight, pick up a hot chick and shag her senseless.
My second thought was something political like George Dub and repent for all my evils, make some major changes then commit suicide. But then I thought, why not combine the two....
I would have to time it really well so he slipped back to his body, and me out, just in time. I could just see the headlines...."President of the Free World (whatever that means anyway) Dies in Erotic Asphyxiation Mishap!"

The Official Interview Game Rules
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Interview #1 - Cousin Leahbelle!!

2005-06-02T19:50:00.000+08:00

1. Describe the difference between ideal love and realistic love. Like, what do you believe true vs. what you wish were possible but haven't experienced.

OOOO!!! A love question, I should have known you would do that! I don't think that I am going to give you the answer that you think though (well except that I started to tell you last night).
I have never been a big romantic idealist about love. I had never been in love till James either. I never bought into the fairy tale. From the first night I met James, though, something was different with him. I have always been capable of having flings and walking away and after Oktoberfest I could not stop thinking about him. My point.....I have learned that romantic, fabulous, whirl wind love exists, and can survive the transition to committed, day to day love. I used to feel like falling in love would make me weak. I realize now that accepting the risk is one of the strongest steps of all. I guess that I have become more romantic and idealistic with age and experience....cool!

2. Beyond what you learned academically, what skills, perspectives and life-changing experiences did you encounter through obtaining a Psych/Lit degree...was it all worth it?

Would I do it all again excactly the same way...no! I would work harder and get it over with quicker. I would realize that it is alot like a high school diploma and merely a means to an end. I learned that I don't like where psych is going as a field. It is really struggling to be scientific. Although it was the science side of it that I excelled at, I think you lose something when you try to break down the human mind into a quanifiable unit. The human touch is being lost, and meds are taking their place. Just because you can make someone feel better by blocking there seretonin uptake receptors or whatever doesnt mean that you should ignore the reason that they are feeling shit in the first place.

On a broader level I belive that there is no wasted education. I would not trade my measely BA for anything. I worked hard academically and otherwise to get it and it feels good to have it.

3. If you could change something about yourself personality-wise, what would it be?

oh my, leah!!! The only way I can answer this is by answering the things that I work on daily. Overall I like me, but I am very aware of things that annoy me too! oh god but just one??? I work on not being bossy and controlling. I know that I like to have things my way and have a full variety of means to try and get them. James is really good for me in that he is easy going to a point then just doesn't budge. I really try not to be overbearing as well. On my dad's side of the family the women are all these bossy, overbearing slightly nuts (altough lovable) women with really weak men. It has been engrained in me from a very early age that these are very unattractive qualities and I am hyperaware of my tendancies towards them. I take comfort in the fact that the thing I find most unattractive is the weak men!!! Have I even remotely answered the question?

4. What song title, lyric, quote or book do you feel embodies your life experience right now?

I can't belive how much trouble I am having with this question...I always have a song, or quote or something. I searched my music library, looked at the books on the shelf, and even went to one of those quote pages. I found a few that summed things up, but they lacked the personal touch I was looking for. Then it came to me, a song we have been listening to a lot. It sums my life up in a concise yet poetic way!! It covers life in Taiwan, it covers my relationship, it's all right here!!! Thank you my little tantric lover!!!
"De Do Do Do De Da Da Da "

5. If you could only travel to one more country for the rest of your life, what would your destination be, and why?

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be? If you could only watch one tv show for the rest of your life, what would it be? If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be? This is a truely unfair question!!! AAARRRGGGG!!!!!
Ok but if I think rationally for a moment....(ONE COUNTRY????) I would have to say New Zealand. Leah you know, but James is from New Zealand, and I have never been there. I think that if he and are doing this then I want to see where he is from and meet his family and friends. It would not be my first choice as merely a travel destination, but I always new I would go there one day. (Although I think that about most countries in the world!!!) Ok, there you go...

The Official Interview Game Rules
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

18 more sleeps!!!

2005-06-01T09:45:00.000+08:00

MAMA I'm comin home!!! Hurrah! I am so excited that I can't believe that I have not blogged about it! My brother was supposed to get married in Aug, and we Leah and I were going to go home for that. Since that has been cancelled/postponed (?) and my bro is feeling a bit down I have decided to head back early. It actually works out a lot better as far as the timing with my Visa so off I go. I fly in to Van on the afternoon of June 19 and get 3 wonderful shopping days with two of my favourite people. (this is under the guise of getting my passport renewed, which I will have to do as well). Then I fly straight to the lovely flatlands of Saskatchewan. I will probably spend only 2 weeks there with mom and Kevin, then mama will drive me and Kevin back to BC. My dad has his CD release party on July 9, and I would LOVE to be there for that! How cool that my dad is releasing a CD of music that I would buy even if he wasn't in the band!!!! I will have just over 2 weeks to catch up with all my family and friends in the Okanagan before I have to hit Vancouver for one last day of shopping and back to Taiwan in time for my birthday!!!
My boss here is baffled at the thought of what I will do for six weeks, and I am baffled at how I am going to fit it all in, especially all the shopping!! I have been composing my wish list for a while now...bras (even the odd time that they come in my size they are so padded that I end up with 'boobies on a platter'), Frank's Red Hot, big bottle (oh my sweet sweet frank, how I have missed you!), Twizzlers, Purdy's Chocolate, shoes for James (not a lot of Taiwanese people have a size 13, go figure!!), jeans for me (can get my size but I look a lot like Urkle...not flattering!), well it is going to be a whole lot of clothes. After a year here it is sometimes hard to realize what is cool and what looks kinda pretty cause your perspective is WAY off (I am turning Taiwanese, yes I'm turning Taiwanese, I really think so!)
Ok well that is my excited rant about going home....trust me, it will not be the last you hear about it. I am excitable at the best of times!!!! YYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

It's in the Jeans!!

2005-05-25T18:26:00.000+08:00

My mom is an amazing person...Like a really amazing person! She was married, had two kids, and divorced all my the age of 27. She had a son in and out of jail, and on drugs since the age of 13, but never lost faith in him. She went through an abusive marriage, and not only didn't take it lying down, but left, they sought counseling together and worked past it!! She then saw after two years of nonabusive healthy marriage her husband die in a farm accident. She continued to run the farm for two years after his death, I think mostly because the first thing people wanted to know was when she was going to sell the farm. She is an amazing business woman. She was then diagnosed with cancer...I would like to add that it was caught VERY late because of a certain doctors neglect, and she was not even bitter at him!! After they took the first tumour out and gave her chemo the cancer returned twice in the next two years. They told her they would not do surgery again, this cancer was going to keep coming back so from now on they would fight with radiation and chemo, and she had about 10 years...That was 3.5 years ago, and she has been cancer free since!
Anyway, strong, argumentative, bossy, intelligent, funny, gorgeous...And I get her skill in doing laundry!! (ok I am argumentative and bossy too!!) The lady sucks at doing laundry. By 13 I made her promise not to touch my clothes because red with white, black with white, and checking the pockets HA! I went through a red lipstick stage when I was 16, then I went through a redlipstick smudge on my clothes stage!!!
James and I went to Thailand for Chinese New Year. Amongst other things James got a much needed new pair of jeans, and I got a gorgeous red sarong...I bet you could never guess what happened next! Last weekend we went to Sun Moon Lake. I was washing all our stuff today and guess who has not one, but two tank tops to match his pink jeans!!!! Sorry sweetie!!!

2005-05-20T23:18:00.000+08:00

I could post daily about driving in Taiwan...but I had an especially noteworthy drive home from work today. First I had to drive Andrew to the train station after work. The fact that he didn't have a helmut was only relevant in the red lights I chose not to blow....After I dropped him off I slowed at a red light and saw a few people on a little scooter putting along with there lights off so I stopped. Just as I did so another scooter blew the red light and made the loaded scooter have to slow down a little. The driver of the loaded scooter not only honked, but also flipped the speedy fellow the bird. It is so unheard of here that I actually tittered to myself. Then I tittered about the fact that seeing someone flip someone else the bird for blowing a red light and almost hitting them was tit-worthy (huh?).
The thing is, here you don't see that. You really don't see road rage at all. I have seen full accidents where the people brushed themselves off, checked out there scooters, shook hands and drove off. I have seen some scary near misses where both parties just smiled and waved. In Taiwan, the honking of ones horn does not mean "Open your eyes you mother fucking wanker!!" it is more of a "pardon me, coming through" at best it's a "get the hell out of the way, here I come". It is only us "why- gore- ans" that use our horns as a sign of frustration or aggression...or then there is Dave with "What the HELL are you doing?" at the TOP of his lungs!!! It amuses me...

ubdate boy in park

2005-05-17T23:01:00.000+08:00

I have seen that sad boy again, twice in fact. The first time I saw him he hurredly said things were much better. Today when I saw him, again seemingly in a hurry, he said that things were getting better all the time. He bugs me a bit because I am not asking a deep meaningful "and how are YOU doing?". It has always been a "hey how's it going?" Maybe he is a bit embarassed about giving his life story to a strory to a stranger in the park. The thing that bugs me is that neither time has he asked "how's it going back"....oh well, at least I know that I gave him the right advice!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

2005-05-16T01:48:00.000+08:00

I know that it has been awhile. It has been a rough couple weeks, for all things on Leah's post, as well as a few more. My brother (who will be subject of a future blog in himself) was engaged to be married in Aug. His fiance (who we all love) decided that there were some things that needed work before she would commit, so called off the wedding. My brother was engaged 2 years ago and his fiance (who we did not all love) called off the wedding...poor guy. So between that and my Aunt and Uncle who were cornerstones in our family, my home home has been shook up.
All this is merely my excuse for being neglectful, not the subject of today's blog. Last week, May 12, was my one year in Taiwan. As it often goes, on one hand it seems like just yesterday I stepped off that plane into the soupie air, and on the other it was a lifetime ago. So much has happened, and I have gotten so much out of this experience so far.
This country has not lost its strangeness at all. A day still does not go by that I don't shake my head, either in amazement or confusion, often both. I can't get over the eagerness in which some people of this fine country attemt to communicate. Although the language barrier is HUGE there are always other ways. Charades is now a way of life, as well as creative interpretation of broken English....Yesterday in a restaurant the waitress asked us if "The food enough so to fill?" and the other day we were staring blankly at an all Chinese menu when they finally sent over the one person in the place who spoke a bit of English. I asked what they had for vegetarian food and he explained "sometimes people that who don't want to eat meat" Yes, I KNOW what vegetarian is, I am one, what do you have for me? "Well, this one...I don't know how to say...you know Cinderella?" Ahh yes pumpkin, that sounds delicious (It wasn't) I'll have that.
Now I have to point out that every other worker in that restaurant avoided us like the plague for fear that we would speak to them.
For every person who shouts "Hello, how are you today?" on the street, there is a person who freezes at the sight of us. At my local tea shop I walked up and proudly ordered "pou tow yo lu cha, bou yow tang" (grapefruit green tea, without sugar). The frightful young thing just stared at me, so I repeated slower and more carefully "pou tow yo lu cha, bou yow tang". He began to look extremely uncomfortable, looked around out of the corner of his eyes and muttered something in Chinese. As I opened my mouth to repeat a third time two other workers, and one other customer literally shouted in unison "POU TOW YO LU CHA, BOU YOW TANG!!" and the customer leaned over to me, patted my arm and said "very good!"
One of the things I appreciate most about being in Taiwan is that it is the first time Leah and I have REALLY got to know each other. It feels a bit like 'our time'. Growing up we always had a connection, but I am that bit older, that seems like so much more when you are kids. The splitting of our families sent us in different directions until my early twenties and her late teens. Now we are cousins, neighbors, friends, and fellow members of the bubble. Friday night, almost on cue to reinforce our one year together we had a big Lea/La night. The boys were going over to Andrew's place for a few beer, so we went for a walk. When we got home we pulled out the Scrabble board, but decided we needed a bottle of red wine. As we cracked our second bottle at about 3 am (boys still not home) the talk turned to drugs and pills, and the fact that the boys had one and well why not! When the boys arrived shortly after 5 am (stolen Starbuck's umbrella and table in hand) we were mostly just drunk, and I am not sure that they really believed us!! They started to pass out close to 6 and after a bit of cajoling, we convinced Dave to give us his hidden pill. Another walk, for 3 hours. Higher than kites, puppy in hand, loving Taiwan. People line dancing to Chinese music in the park. Lady-boy giving 'cha cha cha' dance lessons to a middle aged house wife, music blaring from an amp. Smiling and saying hello to all the early birds, pouring rain, drenched, people looking at us like we were nuts, feeling SO naughty, giggling, bonding, green trees, look up really fast "whoa!" Us getting back to us. It's easy to drift when we both have boys, and jobs, and other friends. It was good, we needed it. It reaffirmed a lot of things. It was FUN!!! Thank God for Lea!!! Thank God for Taiwan!!!

Spritual Ponderings

2005-05-04T11:17:00.000+08:00

We were lying in bed and for some reason we both started to recite our evening prayer's of childhood. They were almost the same...

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord
My soul to take.

Both our prayers went on to list various family members to bless. When I was reciting mine to James I had a flash of memory from age six. I know it was six because we were still in the house with 'the gully' which we moved from when mom and dad split. I really think that it is such a telling memory. My prayer used to end with "and all my cousins, Amen". At seven I realized that this wasn't enough. What about the people in the world that are not in my family. Why should they not be blessed just because I don't know and love them? I added "and everybody in the whole world". Soon that wasn't enough either. I felt a spiritual connection with animals, and talked to trees, My God!! What about my teddy bears???? So then "everybody and everything in the whole world". During that same time period I remember being quite distraut over the devil. I mean the poor misunderstood guy, he just did some bad things, he's can't be all bad. I prayed for the devil on several occasions as a child!!!

I realize now that my dad is atheist/agnostic and my mother is more of a let's debate the bible over a couple of glasses of wine kind of Christian rather than go to church. They took us to church as kids because they thought it was the right thing to do as kids. It wasn't so much a Christian upbringing, although a lot of Christian ideals were instilled.

Because I never had a strong home push, my interest in Christianity ebbed and flowed. During junior high I went to church with some neighbors, and in high school I went a few times with some friends. I always believed in the teachings, but always took them as metaphors, and never really felt comfortable in the structure of the church.

I remember the moment that I lost It . I won't say my faith, because I have big Faith. I lost my religion (thanks Michael!!!) sitting at my step father's funeral. He was an atheist, and in my high school Christian 'flow' I remember begging him, and crying myself to sleep over his soul. He never even wanted a church funeral, but he wasn't supposed to die before his parents. My mom had a church service for them. Some guy stood up there claiming to have know Alexis since he was 6, and "who ever shall believeth in him will not perish and have everlasting life". This man went on to elaborate telling us all how those who believed will go to some glorious place in the sky, and those who didn't were going get lucky door number two....eternal damnation!! Alexis was a good man, a really good man. This guy stood up there telling me, at his funeral, that he was going to hell. My God would not do that.

I now don't have a name for my God (god(s)/(ess)) anymore. I believe in being good to other people. I believe in random acts of kindness. I believe in honesty except when it is going to hurt someone's feelings at no gain to them. I believe in getting back what you put out there. Not so much in the karma way but in the way that you give a smile you get one, you give a scowl and you get back a scowl. I believe in doing what is best for my own body and soul. Not because I feel like I am being judged but because we are given one life, and it is important to live it to its fullest!

I am comfortable with my spirituality, although I can't name it. I don't feel like I am searching for more, although always learning and growing. I feel closest to it when I am in nature, although when I walk down the sidewalk and I see a daisy poking through the concrete it makes me smile, and I tell people about it.

There are so many religions out there. I think that real Faith is one of the most beautiful things there is, I could just never pick one doctrine to be Right. Each person does what they have to do to get by in this mad world, and hopefully we all find a little Peace in that process!!!

Men in Parks

2005-04-25T17:56:00.000+08:00

I met a boy...well he was 40, a man in the park today. He was sad. He has only been in Taiwan for 6 weeks and already he has been sacked from a job and broken up with the girl he moved here for. He has a new job, but isnt sure if he will stay. I told him to stick it out. I told him that this is a strange world and that for everytime you shake your head in wonderment you learn something and you grow. I told him that it was worth being here. He thanked me as he left...but I hope I was right!

all better!!

2005-04-25T11:11:00.000+08:00

Saturday morning, as I was trying to shake the last reminants of self pity, James brought me breakfast in bed. After that he had to run an errand so I dragged myself out of bed. As I was in the shower he came home looking a bit cheeky. From behind his back he pulled out a sunflower plant. He said the flower shops werent open yet but that sunflowers could make anyone smile!!! How sweet is that boy??!!! Enough of the self pity for me!

You know it's a bad day...

2005-04-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

When the only thing harder than falling asleep tonight, was dragging my ass out of bed this morning. When the only thing that dragged my ass out of bed this morning was the hungry whines of the puppy. When that very puppy is suddenly a chewing everything, shitting everywhere, demon. Yesterday she was so damn cute and well behaved. When being a stranger in a strange land is not exciting or fun, just strange. When I feel like I am being bent over and taking it inmate style from my bosses. When I feel completely unsuited for my not really chosen profession. When I feel numb and dissatisfied about my normally - I dare say - fantastic relationship. ("Why can't you live up to the image of you that I have created") When my interactions with the people that usually 'fill me up' are awkward and forced. When I feel like I am in a glass box, I can see them and their lips moving, I can even make out the sounds. But actually making out the words is too much effort for my already tapped reserves.....
Yeah, it's been a shit day...Here's hoping for tomorrow!!!!

whatever

2005-04-21T23:56:00.000+08:00

I am not a very good blogger.

I am not a very good journal keeper either. I would venture to say that the two are related. I have had a journal since I was 15. I have not written in said journal in over a year. I often will go a year or two between entries. I will try to do a little better with it's online counterpart.

I am having a bit of inner tourmoil....I am fighting with James about something that I find so comepletely assinine that it borders on comical. James disagrees. (hence the fight) I would love to just spill it all out and rant away. But I feel that would be disrespectful in that people who know us may read, and, well, more importantly he may read....shitty!!!

Something to be said for a journal I guess. Ironically the fight was over a pad of paper that was actually a one page journal entry....oops!

Anyway, there is my ramble so that certain people can't say that I never blog. (double negative much? why yes thank you!)

Puppy Love

2005-04-15T09:52:00.000+08:00

Our Sunday strolls in the park inevitably ended in heartache. The Humane Society has a program set up where they basically give away strays on Sunday's in the park. It's a great program, especially in a country where Animal Rights are unheard of. For a country of people who claim to 'love pets' I have never been so appalled at the treatment of animals. I am not even going to talk about the lack of population control and strays everywhere. The animals that are actually pets, supposedly in loving homes, are treated with, at best, such neglect that it has brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion. Short leashes, small cages, with bars on the bottom and no love or attention.

So the weekly opportunity to save one of these gorgeous creatures from a fate worse than death was tempting. And I must be totally honest, for purely selfish reasons, I have wanted a dog since I arrived in Taiwan. Being a world away from any world that I know or understand has left me with the want for some pure, unconditional, feed me and I will love you forever, love.

Last week for some reason was different though...I am not sure what it was, but it was different from the beginning. James and I walked through the park, he allowed us to slow just a bit and of course I was mush! As we walked away, there was a truck full of cages filled with animals waiting to be unloaded, and the whines and cries brought tears to both of our eyes. When we arrived home, we stopped off at Dave and Leah's and Leah announced she was going to get a cat today and wanted to go back to the park. I jumped on it...if you are going to get a cat, why don't we get a dog. There are the four of us love and look after it, blah blah blah. I had a counter to every arguement against...not that there were many, except from James, my voice of reason...but even he had lost his enthusiasm. When we got back to the park I recieved the official word, he wasnt 'for', but he definitely wasn't 'against'.

It didn't take long to pick out our Pao Pao. (The name was picked out before we even left the house...Bubble Toes, as the four of us refer to ourselves as 'the Bubble'. Pao Pa is Chinese for Bubble) I noticed her by looks very early on, but she was sleeping and I wanted to get a feel for her personality. I hovered around unit she started to stir, then asked if I could pick her up. Immediately she started nuzzling in, and licking my face. Dave came up behind me and sealed it with the words, "Hello Bubble Toes".

That was a lifetime of five days ago. It has been five days of no sleep, piss and shit everywhere, and even James is loving EVERY minute of it. Ironic that my last posting was on sleep deprivation and I now see how little I can function on. She is the sweetest, calmest and of course smartest puppy I have ever met. Although I now realize that I was fully expecting someone to stop me, and had I thought it was compeletely up to me I might not have been so hasty, I have no regrets. All of James's concerns are valid, and she is going to make a huge difference in our lifestyle, it is all worth it already. All the future stuff will iron itself out. Pao Pao has known more love in her one week with us than most dog's here know in a lifetime, and we are more than happy to give it.

Past time of Gods!!

2005-03-31T04:37:00.000+08:00

As I sit here with my sleeping pill hangover I am left pondering the subject that was fist inspired in the early stages of sleeping pill grog...sleep!! What a wonderful, necessary, fickle thing it is. Maybe it is because I have suffered from periodic insomnia since I was about 12, and not a great sleeper at the best of times, but I LOVE sleep.
The fact that my body can deny me sleep is such a cruel fate. There is nothing more horrible than being dead tired, or having important plans in the morning, and climbing into bed only to have my brain turn on to high gear. I realized last night that most of my insomnia nights are accompanied by a soundtrack....a one lined repetative soundtrack, usually a song, but sometimes just a catchy phrase. J can not even comprehend how I can have so little control over my own mind, but I just have to sit back and watch the little show that my mind puts on for me. In those instances I do start to question my own sanity.
So then come out the pharmacuticals. I partake as infrequently as possible. I don't like the hangover, even if it is minor, and the sleep itself isnt nearly as satisfying as the old-fashioned organic stuff. There have been times though, that just the threat of them has let my mind know there is a back of plan, so it relaxes and lets me go!!
The other way that I can sometimes convince my mind to relax is by rearranging my day so that I can sleep in. Without the impending early morning rise, my mind will often realize its not worth the effort, and just shut off. There are times when the possibility of nap the next day can do the same thing!!One of my favorite feeling in the world is during a period in my life when there is no time for a lie-in, getting home in the middle of the day, nobody home, no plans and an hour or two to kill. I can crawl into bed and actually have wee fits of excitiment. YAY SLEEP!!!!
It just feels so good!! Even going back to bed in the mornings is a treat. J is a morning person, so does not get the part AT ALL! How great is the feeling of waking up to do what all people do in the morning, and realize that you have an hour before you have to get up, HURRAH!! I have mastered the art of taking care of mother nature's call without ever fully waking up. I trudge down the stairs to the bathroom and back up again in a dozy blissful state. I only now realize why J likes me in this state so much. It's not that he likes me dumb, only that I am purely happy!!!

It's my first time...

2005-03-27T17:38:00.000+08:00

My first blog... I have been thinking what I should write about for this momentous occasion since last night, when my cousin L created the account for me. For some reason I feel like my first entry should be thoughtful and poignent... Being a Canadian teaching English in Taiwan I thought about a 'stranger in a strange land' angle. Then I tossed around the idea of blogging about blogging. What is this vain, anonymous publishing of inner thoughts, and what does it say about our culture? But returning from a huge Easter brunch, I am too full, and I must say hungover, to really come out with anything too profound!! In fact that is about all i have to say about anything. Maybe it's best...short and sweet, and now the first time pressure is off. Being fairly certain that my thoughts and opinions are of the utmost public interest, I think that i am going to like this blogging thing!!!!