Spritual Ponderings

We were lying in bed and for some reason we both started to recite our evening prayer's of childhood. They were almost the same...

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord
My soul to take.

Both our prayers went on to list various family members to bless. When I was reciting mine to James I had a flash of memory from age six. I know it was six because we were still in the house with 'the gully' which we moved from when mom and dad split. I really think that it is such a telling memory. My prayer used to end with "and all my cousins, Amen". At seven I realized that this wasn't enough. What about the people in the world that are not in my family. Why should they not be blessed just because I don't know and love them? I added "and everybody in the whole world". Soon that wasn't enough either. I felt a spiritual connection with animals, and talked to trees, My God!! What about my teddy bears???? So then "everybody and everything in the whole world". During that same time period I remember being quite distraut over the devil. I mean the poor misunderstood guy, he just did some bad things, he's can't be all bad. I prayed for the devil on several occasions as a child!!!

I realize now that my dad is atheist/agnostic and my mother is more of a let's debate the bible over a couple of glasses of wine kind of Christian rather than go to church. They took us to church as kids because they thought it was the right thing to do as kids. It wasn't so much a Christian upbringing, although a lot of Christian ideals were instilled.

Because I never had a strong home push, my interest in Christianity ebbed and flowed. During junior high I went to church with some neighbors, and in high school I went a few times with some friends. I always believed in the teachings, but always took them as metaphors, and never really felt comfortable in the structure of the church.

I remember the moment that I lost It . I won't say my faith, because I have big Faith. I lost my religion (thanks Michael!!!) sitting at my step father's funeral. He was an atheist, and in my high school Christian 'flow' I remember begging him, and crying myself to sleep over his soul. He never even wanted a church funeral, but he wasn't supposed to die before his parents. My mom had a church service for them. Some guy stood up there claiming to have know Alexis since he was 6, and "who ever shall believeth in him will not perish and have everlasting life". This man went on to elaborate telling us all how those who believed will go to some glorious place in the sky, and those who didn't were going get lucky door number two....eternal damnation!! Alexis was a good man, a really good man. This guy stood up there telling me, at his funeral, that he was going to hell. My God would not do that.

I now don't have a name for my God (god(s)/(ess)) anymore. I believe in being good to other people. I believe in random acts of kindness. I believe in honesty except when it is going to hurt someone's feelings at no gain to them. I believe in getting back what you put out there. Not so much in the karma way but in the way that you give a smile you get one, you give a scowl and you get back a scowl. I believe in doing what is best for my own body and soul. Not because I feel like I am being judged but because we are given one life, and it is important to live it to its fullest!

I am comfortable with my spirituality, although I can't name it. I don't feel like I am searching for more, although always learning and growing. I feel closest to it when I am in nature, although when I walk down the sidewalk and I see a daisy poking through the concrete it makes me smile, and I tell people about it.

There are so many religions out there. I think that real Faith is one of the most beautiful things there is, I could just never pick one doctrine to be Right. Each person does what they have to do to get by in this mad world, and hopefully we all find a little Peace in that process!!!