SWEET DREAMS!!!

Thanks for all of your thoughts and concern. I am holding up ok! I played on some slippery ground again this weekend, but this time managed to stay on my feet. I know that I should avoid the situation all together, but IT IS HARD!! It is probably a good thing that said slippery surface is going home to New Zealand this week, for three weeks. I think the time apart will be good. We havent made much of a point to see each other, but when we are out together it is so hard not to gravitate to him. He is still my favourite person in the room. I can not even imagine seeing him and being all "Yeah James, I used to have a scene with him."

Through all of this I am realizing that I may have some repressed anger towards him. It pisses me off! When we were good, we were really good. We had (have) a connection that was visible even to strangers. And now it is over, and he has some new room mates, and he has new job, and he is happy, and that is it. No fight for us, no looking where we went wrong and fixing it. I am not saying I dont think we should have broke up, we needed to. It wasnt working the way it was and he didnt think that he could do what I needed, and I wasnt willing to sacrifice what I needed. It just all seems so easy for him, feels so shit for me.

I have had some pretty intense dreams this past few weeks. They are actually what made me take a look at the anger. The first one was mad, but I thought it a one off. In my dream a large group of us were lounging on some couches and sleeping. I opened my eyes to see James making out with a friend of ours who recently moved back to England and I had one breif neurotic moment about in real life (that never left my head). In my dream I picked up a wine bottle and smashed both their faces....nice.

Second dream I was making out with James, but he had a new girlfriend, that I knew about but I believed that I was 'the real one' or whatever. All of a sudden this girl walks up (and although it wasnt her, she had the 'feel' of this girl that James was with when we were apart then showed up on our doorstep) and freaks out, and apparently she is also sleeping with him. I just remember feeling totally used and betrayed and like my whole world was a lie. I was flipping out and screaming and throwing things at both girls and James...hmmm.

Third dream was just the other night. This Taiwanese girl that I knew James was friends with came and asked me to go for lunch. Over lunch she shared with me that she had been, well, giving James head for months, long before we had broken up. Our friend Andrew had introduced them, and Dave had known about this all along. I burst into Dave and Leah's place screaming and throwing things. One look at Leah and I knew that she hadnt known, but I made Dave admit that he knew, and proceeded to throw a oil burner at his head. I ran downstairs to see Andrew and Ryno standing there. I walked up to Andrew and punched him in the face so hard that he fell and didnt get up. I turned to Ryno and sobbed in his arms. I woke up sobbing.

Represss much? Oh, maybe just a little!!