Good Days/Bad Days

I know that I have been neglectful...So much going on in this little head of mine. I am almost scared to talk about it in case I get a bit of flood gate effect. I have to be careful because people involved read this and I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, or invade someone else's privacy (again). I haven't mapped this out at all in my head. This is just me throwing stuff out there as it comes, cause it can't all stay in...

One week and two days ago James moved out. It hit me like a ten ton truck. It had been a month since we decided to break up, and I thought I was prepared. I was even helping to find him an apartment. I don't know which is bigger, my sadness, or the surprise at my sadness. I have always been good at 'control'. I have been through some major grief processes, and thought that I knew how this was going to hit me. I didn't. I feel like I am losing my mind. I had conversations with people, and look back and wonder what the hell I was talking about. I haven't been sleeping. I am resentful of everyone and everything. No, you don't know what I am going through. You did not go through exactly the same thing. I realize that I have a lot of good friends here, and they do care about me.

I already feel it slowly improving though. A very glib comment made by James is forcing out that pathetic back of the mind glimmer of hope that maybe he will figure his shit out, and decide that we are worth the effort needed. I guess we aren't worth the effort needed. It is really hard to fully let go when I still have so much love for him, and still feel the love from him. I always had felt like he and I were somehow fated, that this was 'big love' or 'true love'. And I thought that I was a realist....

I am starting to see glimses of 'single independent Ang' again. Not that there were any big changes in me in a couple, but I used to love being single. I traveled by myself for over 2 years in Europe. At 32 I am finishing my first serious relationship. That was 29 year of hanging out with me. I had fun. I am looking forward to rediscovering this part of myself. I am planning a long weekend in Bangkok by myself...Just because.

That's all I have right now...I will try and do this more often, so that it is not so scattered. Instead of 'good days/ bad days' really it is 'good moments/ bad moments'!