BOYS ARE STUPID, THROW ROCKS AT THEM!!

Since I arrived in my home and native land four weeks ago I have hardly heard from my boy at all. I had two very short, straight to the point emails, and one strained msn. The little while before I left things had been a bit rough, but as he wouldn't talk to me about it I had no idea just how rough they were. The week before I left things were a little better, and I was feeling ok about our 6 weeks apart; time to reflect, miss each other and maybe start anew...I guess that was wishful thinking. I had not heard from him since July 2, so last week I emailed him letting him know that I was feeling a bit weird, and would try to call, but an email once in awhile would be nice. I tried calling, no answer, forward to voice mail...no email. I wrote another email "am I missing a really big hint here?" laid it out on the line, "are you just caught up in your own shit, if so, I really need a bit more than this, or is it over, I need to know" Guess what he wrote back....yeah, nothing!

So here I am trying to enjoy what time I have with my family (right now I am down in the Kooteney's visiting my favorite uncle, and his rugrats 6,11,13) and doing my best not to be overwhelmed by the fact that I may be on the receiving end of the most passive dump in history and might be going back to that weird and strange country that I call home single for the first time in 3 years. Even better, I might be completely over reacting, and looking like a spazzy hysterical girlfriend.

Topping this all off, the other night I went out with my friend Kathy. We went to a pub and had a few pints with a former professor of ours and ended up going to the local night club with him. I experienced the worst reverse culture shock since my return. It was a veritable cougarfest!! Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a familiar face in the corner of the club. It was a boy that I had had a HUGE crush on for about 5 years, Shawn. We had started hanging out when his exgirlfriend became pregnant with his kid, and things came to a screeching halt. I had seen him around a few times since, and although he was still able to make my knees week with that steely gaze nothing ever came of it, and I left for Europe a year or so later.

I avoided even looking at that area of the bar. Just as we were about to leave he came up and gave me a big hug. I guess my disdain for the place was apparent to all because the first thing he said was to assure me that he was not living in town, and did not frequent this fine establishment. We chatted for awhile and his friend came up and invited us over to his place for a beer. We all hung out for a bit, discussed music, drank beer...good times. Kathy quite suddenly decided to go home, and within seconds Shawn's friend let us know that he was going to bed. Shawn reading my body language remarkable well reassured me that he wasn't going to hit on me. I told him that I had a boyfriend. He then, as only boys who know you have a boyfriend do, told me all the things that I would have killed to hear 7 years ago. After a few minutes of hearing just how cool I am, he asked if he could kiss me. I told him that it was time for me to go home. He gave me a ride home and gave me his phone number saying he would love to 'just hang out, just friends'!

WHAT THE F*CK!!??!!?? So now here I am feeling like shit for getting myself in a situation that I should never have been in, feeling like shit because my boyfriend feels that I am a disposable accessory to his life, feeling like shit because, although I didn't do anything wrong, there was part of me that wanted to, and what the hell...Shawn knew I had a boyfriend, what is with saying all that crap when I have made in very clear that I AM NOT going to sleep with him? (I know I shouldn't have been there anyway, but come on!!)....here I am being painfully faithful to a guy that isn't even acknowledging my existence......

boys are stupid (and so am I!!)