Random Reflections

I just realized that James is back in like a week. He was only going for 2 apparently, not the 3 I was picturing. One week in, has anything changed? Yeah, I think a little bit. I know that I am not going to suddenly get over this in a week or two but time apart has given me time look at it through different eyes. I realize why it was so much easier for him to walk away...he wasnt invested. I dont for one second think that he love(d)s me less than I love(d) him. I have full confidence in his love for me, but sorry folks I am going to say it...cliche of all cliches, Love is not enough. Love does not make a relationship. No relationship works without commitment. I am not talking commitment "will you marry me, spend the rest of your life with me, love me forever, make babies with me". What I mean is "right now I love you and am going to treat this relationship like it is going to last". I know things happen, people change, relationships fail, but if you are not going to do what you can to make it work, set yourself up for failure and risk it all, what is the point?

From the first night or two I spent with him I knew that this was different. I knew, and I looked at myself and gave myself permission to get my heart broken. I did not let myself sabatoge it because that is the easy way to go. When he hurt me I did not 'get tough' like I have so many time in the past. I cried, I told him he hurt me, and I forgave him. I conciously went into it like a Sarah Mclaughlin song "and if I feel a rage I won't deny it. I won't fear love". And here I sit.

I am trying to stick with the same philosphy...just a lot more tears lately!! When people ask how I am doing, I tell them. I don't do it in a way that invites a discussion, but if I am feeling shit I say so! I was relieved to talk to my roommate, Lisa, the other day to hear that I am not insane. She shared some heartbreak stories that made me feel so much better with how I am coping.

I am not feeling nearly as overwhelmed by it as I was last week. I had a rough weekend (might have had something to do with me sending him a text the night before he left, inviting him over for....and him not even replying) but the week has given me some perspective. There is a boy at a place that I sub, and apparently we have chemistry...when I get teased about it I get a little girlie and blush and deny it, even though I know it is true. Not thinking anything of it, but I can actually acknowledge chemistry with another boy. The idea of flirting with repercussions does not scare the shit out of me as much at all. Obviously not looking for anything, nor reading too much into anything, but this part of being single feels good...today. Too bad I wasnt in a country where there were actually boys to flirt with!! Knowing my patterns, it is probably a good thing that I am not.