Closer to Fine

People are asking for updates about him, people are asking what is going on between us... What is going on between us? He is not ready to sign on for a future, but I cerainly didnt stay out of contact for very long.

We are friends, that is easy.

My friends don't make my heart soar and ache like he still does.

No, I love him, I will always love him, that is not a bad thing. I have no illusions about what we are doing, or where we are going with this.

Except when those thoughts sneak in, you know the ones, admit it...what if...?

And really...what if? What if this doesnt die? what if he figures out that this isnt dying?

And what if he is already dating, what if he has let go of you and has interest in this ever happening, what if I make him feel good one way, but 'she' makes him feel good a different way? He is having his cake, and eating it too.

So am I!! It doesnt matter!! I know that I love him, and I know how he makes me feel. I know that he loves me. What he is doing over there does not affect things between us anymore than what I have been distracting myself with, affects things.

Yes, I know how he makes me feel. He makes me feel special, and needed. Old habits die hard. I keep falling for guys that make me feel this way. Being needed doesnt mean that you love them.

No, it doesnt! But that is not why I love him. Just because I may have had a pattern in the past does not mean that similiar feelings are repeating the pattern. He is just fine without me, he is not like the other guys. He knows what he has to do to look after himself, and expects nothing from me. I love him for his beautiful soul, not because sometimes I make him feel good. I don't love him on account of making him feel good. I want to make him feel good because I love him.

But we are both holding on to something that is not going anywhere. This is going to end up hurting an awful lot later if this keeps up. What happened to distance? What happened to letting go?

If it does backfire, it will have been worth it. We have tried to step back and put distance between us. The fact is, I love him, and I am not going to pretend to him that I don't. We are being honest with each other, and we are not playing games. The only games are the ones that happen right here in this little head of mine. Sometimes I indulge in the what ifs, sometimes I indulge in the doubt in my own feelings, and sometimes I indulge in mistrust in his intentions. But in my heart of hearts I am content. I am not worried. I am looking after myself. It's what I do. At the end of the day, I will be fine, more than fine. I always am.

At the end of the day, I am always more than fine!

At the end of the day, I will always be more than fine!!