And So I Wait

I told him that I love him. I told him that he is with me at all times. I told that I can't do it anymore. I can't hold on to a ghost anymore. I cannot sit and wait for that inescapbable heartbreak. For the days to turn to weeks, the weeks to months. To wonder why he didnt say I love you on that last call, to wonder if the friend he is going for drinks is the the girl that will help him get over me.

I also told him that we have a choice. At the end of this year we are both relatively unrestricted. We could, if we wanted, decide to be in the same place. Our fate is not predestined, it is a choice either way.

I also told him that whatever happens, whatever he feels he is capable of right now, I am certain of his love for me. I am not certain that we have what it takes to make it in the real world, but I would forever regret not trying. I need to know at the end of the day, that I did what I could to have our chance. If he can't jump, if he is not ready though, I need to step back. I need to let go of him, and I need him to let go of me.

He emailed me back almost immediately. He told me that he is loading up the moving van to drive from Oxford to Cardiff, and register for Uni later today. He told me that he needs some time to sort through his thoughts and feelings and write me back properly. He told me he loves me.

My heart has been racing for 12 hours straight. I don't know which scares me more, him saying yes, he is ready to take this leap of faith, or no, he is not. One is an upheaval of my plans, my future, the other is an upheaval of my heart. I don't know what he will say. I suspect that he is not ready for this, but I am prabably, in part anyway, trying to prepare myself for the worst.

And so I wait...