Deep Breaths!!
A long time, I know!! Some computer problems, some getting my life back in order, and wrapping my head around what has happened to me problems...But I'll start where I left off:
The Trip
The north of Thailand is beautiful. It is a whole other world from Bangkok and the Islands. It was such a contrast to any holiday I have ever been on. It was It was chill and romantic, fun and healthy. It was 2 weeks in those grey/blue eyes. I found a good yoga studio and did yoga every night while he was doing his Thai boxing. I slept in in the mornings and the afternoons were spent chilling in cafes, doing crossword puzzles, exploring wats, diving through the mountains, watching movies, making love, lying in parks, grinning stupidly at each other, waxing philosophical, and of course a lot of great food. I fell in love with him everyday.
The airport for my return was like one of those scenes in a movie, you know the ones; heart string pulling music, watching it you would leaving your feeling manipulated but bawling your eyes out. Cut to a montage of intimate, silly, peaceful moments. Cut back to the crying couple, holding each other like it may be the last time; because it probably is. He didn't let me go, I had to pull away. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Homecoming
Being back here has been surreal. I had a life here. A life I loved. Now it has a gaping chasm where he existed for such a short time. How do you return to earth after your heart has soared? While he was still in Thailand we indulged in a lot of self pity. He was alone and my absence hit him harder than he expected. In comparison to my life with him in it, my returning life was grey and empty.
Since his return to the Europe 2 weeks ago I have made a conscious effort to pull my head out of my ass. Back to yoga and the gym, getting my house in order (unpacking), emotionally investing back in my present life.
It has been getting easier in some ways. Thinking of him, generally, warms and comforts me. But I fucking miss him soooo much sometimes!!! We both agree that our lives are better for 'us'. I am forever changed for having him in my heart. But where I am at now, is how do I let go? How do I move on? I don't want to. I know that it is better to have loved and lost blah blah blah, but the loss wasn't for anything else than geography and timing. We didn't get our chance. I want our chance.
He called the other day. His voice gave me goosebumps. He is in France with him mom, the start of a 4 country tour of Europe before he starts grad school in October. His program is a year long. I am here for a year. I can't help but entertain thoughts about 'after that'. But for the most part it is just fantasy. He is young, we were always temporary, he is not in a place in his head/life to go there. I don't know that I am prepared to take the giant leap that would be required for us to be together. And really, at the end of the day, it is not even on the table. I know he loves me like I have never been loved before, but I don't think he is quite as obliging to his fantasy life as I am to mine.
So here I sit, in love and alone; but honestly not as sad and pathetic as this post makes out!!
The Trip
The north of Thailand is beautiful. It is a whole other world from Bangkok and the Islands. It was such a contrast to any holiday I have ever been on. It was It was chill and romantic, fun and healthy. It was 2 weeks in those grey/blue eyes. I found a good yoga studio and did yoga every night while he was doing his Thai boxing. I slept in in the mornings and the afternoons were spent chilling in cafes, doing crossword puzzles, exploring wats, diving through the mountains, watching movies, making love, lying in parks, grinning stupidly at each other, waxing philosophical, and of course a lot of great food. I fell in love with him everyday.
The airport for my return was like one of those scenes in a movie, you know the ones; heart string pulling music, watching it you would leaving your feeling manipulated but bawling your eyes out. Cut to a montage of intimate, silly, peaceful moments. Cut back to the crying couple, holding each other like it may be the last time; because it probably is. He didn't let me go, I had to pull away. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Homecoming
Being back here has been surreal. I had a life here. A life I loved. Now it has a gaping chasm where he existed for such a short time. How do you return to earth after your heart has soared? While he was still in Thailand we indulged in a lot of self pity. He was alone and my absence hit him harder than he expected. In comparison to my life with him in it, my returning life was grey and empty.
Since his return to the Europe 2 weeks ago I have made a conscious effort to pull my head out of my ass. Back to yoga and the gym, getting my house in order (unpacking), emotionally investing back in my present life.
It has been getting easier in some ways. Thinking of him, generally, warms and comforts me. But I fucking miss him soooo much sometimes!!! We both agree that our lives are better for 'us'. I am forever changed for having him in my heart. But where I am at now, is how do I let go? How do I move on? I don't want to. I know that it is better to have loved and lost blah blah blah, but the loss wasn't for anything else than geography and timing. We didn't get our chance. I want our chance.
He called the other day. His voice gave me goosebumps. He is in France with him mom, the start of a 4 country tour of Europe before he starts grad school in October. His program is a year long. I am here for a year. I can't help but entertain thoughts about 'after that'. But for the most part it is just fantasy. He is young, we were always temporary, he is not in a place in his head/life to go there. I don't know that I am prepared to take the giant leap that would be required for us to be together. And really, at the end of the day, it is not even on the table. I know he loves me like I have never been loved before, but I don't think he is quite as obliging to his fantasy life as I am to mine.
So here I sit, in love and alone; but honestly not as sad and pathetic as this post makes out!!
posted by Ang @ 3:38 p.m.
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