Surfacing

A lot has happened. It has been intense, crazy, scary and wonderful. As I prepared for the girlie holiday of a lifetime my heart was weighed down with opposing forces. The boy, the one that left, the one that broke my heart, the one that couldn't wait, figured out that he could. We figured out that we didn't want to be going through this life without each other. He decided to come back. He would be returning the day that I got back from Thailand.

As my heart was dancing and soaring, other news came through. My mom had a lump in her breast. She has been Cancer free for 5 years. She had 3 tumours in as many years removed from her uterus, abdomen area. Now a malignant tumour in her breast. They were going to do a double masectomy, and a single lymphectomy.

For the first time in, if not my whole life, than a very long time, I had a plan. KF and I would work here until August. In September we would go to India and volunteer at a hospice for 2 months. We would travel to Nepal and do a trek and meditation retreat. We would come back to Taiwan to pick up PaoPao and be back in Canada for the build up to Christmas. I am ready to be home. I have not been ready to be home in sooo long. I want to be home, close to my family. Suddenly I -wanted it-NOW. Nothing calls you home like your parents mortality. I talked to my mom. I talked to my dad. My dad is sort of my canary. My mom would never tell me she wanted me to come home for her. Not for her illness. My mom and dad are good enough friends that my mom would talk to him, but their is enough distance that she would not feel the need to protect him enough to be honest with him. I decided, not lightly and not on my own, not to run home.

My mom had her surgery. My grandma and my aunt were there. They are at my grandma's house. She is recovering well. It was a high grade tumour, it had not metastasized, it was not in the lymph nodes or the blood. It was not a secondary cancer from the ovarian/uterine cancer. She doesn't think that she will do radiation or chemo.

The holiday was truly amazing. It was everything that I could have asked for a holiday to be, and more. I got to know my girls better than I thought I could. I had time to reflect on the impending life changes. We partied, we relaxed, we frolicked and played. It was exactly what my should needed. We said goodbye to our lovely Linds, and she is now playing house in NZ with that lovely boy of hers. I miss her like crazy. This girl dropped everything to be at my side in my times of need. Never judging, only listening. This girl called me on it when I was being an ass. This woman is wise beyond her years, with a heart so pure it makes me aspire to be a better person, just thinking of her. I will see her again.

Last week we also said goodbye to my cousin, my sister, by bestie, Leah. Although I will see her sooner, it is a big whole out of my life. I came to Taiwan with her. I didn't go more than a day without at least some texts. She is wise, and silly. She is spiritual and grounded. She knows me, and I her, like only family can. Sometimes we have expectations, concerns, hurt feelings, that only come from knowing someone too well, thinking that we know what is best for someone. We are closer for it. I am grateful for my time in Taiwan, if for nothing else, than for what it has brought to my relationship with this amazing woman. Where she is, is a factor in my next step in life.

All of these goodbyes softened by the most wonderful of reunions. He has been here for just over a month and I fall in love with him more and more everyday. He is good and pure and loves me with all his heart. He is the picture beside the definition of a good man. My heart dances as I think of him. It is good and sacred and as a result I will not be writing too much about it. But here, and through all of the dark, he is my light.

Panty Party

I have been blessed with some really wicked girlfriends in my life. I have a few women spread around the world that I would crawl over mountains to have one night of giggling with. Never in my life, though, have a been surrounded by so many, thouroughly solid bitches. I have my 3 Ls; they are my family, my grounding, my sanity and my laughter. These are the ladies that I want to sit on porch with at ninety and laugh and complain about the ways of kids these days. But it doesnt stop at these 3. This city is filled with, a few nut jobs, but a disproportionate number of really cool, solid women. They are all ages, from all walks of life, from all over the globe. We have all come from different times and places. We have vastly different stories, with a chapter that overlaps in the paticular place and time. I have traveled with, laughed with, cried with, and seen things that no one would believe with these ladies.

Last weekend 20 something of my nearest and dearest went to some friends' in the mountains for a slumber party of epic proportions. We laughed, we ate, we danced, we drank, we took pictures of our breasts. Woman in their 20s to women in their 40s, women from every hemisphere, met together to just be together. I think my girl put it best

To know that out there women will continue to take my breath away, with their humour, their wisdom, their ability to find a space to dance in. To know that out there women will continue to seek, to look for the answers both within themselves, and through other's stories too, to step outside the boundaries of what they've been taught, and really reach for something they know as the truth. To know that the girls at high school weren't as bad as all that, and that women are not something I ever intend to be scared of again. To know that when my spirit raises her neck and howls at the fat bloated fullness of the moon that elsewhere somewhere there might be a group of mad bitches also shaking their asses, or licking their wounds. To know that when I'm old, and maybe alone, buttering my toast with a shaky knife that won't hold still, frustrated maybe a little at this wrinkled cave that grew around me so fast, that I can lean into the counter for a second and close my eyes, flit backwards to the former shadow of a girl called me, and a girl called you. A group of us laughing together at the ridiculous splendor of really making it possible to live as colorfully as we possibly could. Even in a city which tried it's best to bind us in grey, we still sparkled like fireflies, we still left our marks on the limitless sky.

I want to take this opportunity to say "Thank you, ladies!!! " These past couple years have been an experience that I could never have dreamed this life. So to you bitches that have shared it with me; Some of you, I have never met, some, I have not seen in years, some, I may never see again, You have marked my life. I needed you more than I knew!

Yeah, I'm Bored!

Should auld aquaintance....

Wow! What a year! I can't believe how fast it has gone, nor can I believe the changes that it brought. New Years last year I had a broken heart. I didn't dare go out because I knew he was out with her. Then a trip to the Phillipines on Chinese New Year that changed everything. I was doing good up to the trip, but the trip was so amazing and so what I needed that I came back glowing. My happy soul attracted a new friendship, and that friendship turned into a mad love affair. A love affair that, no matter how hard we try, won't fade away.

We have stopped trying. We are in full contact, and I am fully in love. He is having a hard time, and has no interest in the program he is studying. There is talk of him dropping the course and coming back here, if not there is talk of what may happen after. I am scared. I have wee panic attacks...what if he changes his mind? what if this is a result of the shitty things he has going on around him? what if he comes here and we realise that we created all of this, cause it is a beautiful story? Then I talk to him. It is all ok. Even if all those worst case scenarios manifest in one horrible finale, I still would be here right now. He wrote me a children's story for christmas. I will ask him if I can post it. It was the best present I have ever recieved.

So yeah, Christmas...not so much. I had to work. It wasnt Christmas. It was a pretty good day, as far as Mondays go, but it was not Christmas. It is my last Christmas here, HURRAH!!

The earthquake was much ado about nothing really. I mean, it was big, and it was cool, and scary for some. It was talked about for all of about a day, and forgotten. I was in the basement of the mega grocery store, so it was a different sensation than most earthquakes I have felt here. Usually you are up fairly high for them, at least a few floors, so there is a swaying sensation. In the basement, it just rolled, shook and vibrated. A couple oranges bounced onto the floor, signs and metal clanked for a few minutes. I had been going around saying how cool I thought it was until I spoke to my friend Iris about it. She talked about them memories that all significant earthquakes bring up of the big one. It was a hugely destructive earthquake, thousands killed. I need to learn to be more sensitive!!

Tonight we are heading over to Linds and Hamish's for some bubbly and games, and see where the night takes us. Probably some dancing with more friends. I am calling the boy at 12, and there is a good chance I will still be up at his 12 to talk to him. Oh my!

Happy New Years everyone! I hope that next year is filled with much love, laughter, friends and loved ones!

The Wonders of Ancient Medicine

The weather has made it's sudden turn to 'sub-tropical' winter. Last week we were sitting in the mid to high twenties and still sweating. This week, sweaters, winter coats and space heaters are being pulled out of the cupboards. Normally I would be wingeing about this, and don't worry, I promise I will be shortly, but this time of year it is a bit different. Somehow, coming into the house sweating, and turning on the Christmas lights, just didn't feel right. The cold works for now. I actually feel a little bit festive. It helps that I have TWO packages under my tree awaiting my eager fingers. That's right, both my parents have stepped up this year. My mom didn't bring forth some house stuff that she bought me two years ago and "Call it my Christmas present!" Goddess bless her!!

So my knees have been a bit buggered since the whole 'fall on the kid' incident. Limping and favouring my other leg for a week from the bruise was enough to feck up the other leg. Have I mentioned I have shoddy knees? So I was gimping around my classroom at my evening job last week when one of the mom's asked about it. She told me that her mother couldn't walk from bad knees, went to this Chinese doctor, and miracle of all miracles, she can walk!! She offered to take me. I love this about Taiwan. I have seen this lady once a week for the past 6 months. Her daughter is one student of 26, and she is one parent of 10 that watches the class. I have never spoken directly to her, but she offered to pick me up at 9:30 on a Saturday morning to take me to a Chinese doctor.

I generally decline these gestures. As kind as they are, they often play out as awkward, drawn out events that don't end up with desired results anyway. But I need to do something about my knees, so I accepted graciously.

I woke up at 9 with a few butterflies. My trips to Chinese doctors have usually been excruciatingly painful. It is also a completely different pain than any pain I felt back home. My massage therapist back home used to commend me on my pain tolerance, and here I am a complete pussy!! Anyway, I head downstairs, and they pull up in their giant Lexus SUV. Husband is driving, mom in the passenger seat, and me in the back with my painfully shy student, Grace. A family affair!

We hit the doc. He tells me what I already know about the one knee, recommends 10 days no exercise, and some Chinese medicine patches. He takes a look at the other knee. He pushes the same spot that was painful on the other knee, and it is not as painful. He finds another spot...HELLO!! He tells me I have liver problems. Yeah, you can tell this from my knee. So then he pushes a spot on my chest. On the top righthand area of my cleavage. Before I could slap him for being a perv I am smacked upside the head with pain. When he pushes the spot on my chest, neither spot on my knee hurts when he pushes them. I don't have the spot on the other side of my chest. He shows me the meridian that runs down my torso, and shows me another spot that hurts...Thanks! When I tell him that I am recovering from food poisoning, he nodds knowingly...He knows!! Lots of water, fresh fruit, don't stay up so late and massage the spot on my chest (no I am not copping a feel, no, I don't need any help!)

I have always believed that Eastern medicine offers a different perspective to our Western prescription, surgery based approach. I have seen my students and friends pouring all kinds of sick looking powders and concoctions down their throats in the name of Chinese medicine, so I have developed a healthy dose of skepticism, as well. But these guys can stick 3 fingers on your pulse and tell you that you eat too many carbs, it is good that you don't eat meat, keep up with the exercise, don't think so much, get more sleep and phone your mother more! It is seriously creepy sometimes!! It is too bad that there isn't more cases where east meets west and we get the best of both world!!

Stay Away From the Eggs!!!

I think that I have food poisoning.

As I sat down to my work lunch yesterday, I got a text from a friend to meet her for lunch. I ate a bit of the scrambled eggs, steamed green veggies and a bit of the curry sauce from the chicken curry and headed out. At the restaurant I just ordered a sided salad and kiwi/apple/mint fresh juice. Back at work a co-worker gave me an oreo cookie. All was fine. I headed back to class at 2, and by the end of the 40 minute class I was feeling dizzy and rough. Next, the kids had Fantasy Play House, and by the end of that I was feeling worse. Snack was next, and the sight and sound of my little lovelies chomping away was too much. After 3:00 is a bad time to find a bathroom in my school. The Aunties start to clean them, and after they are finished they block them off so they don't get dirty again. I could do a whole post on this, it is a pet peeve at the best of times...but hunting down a bathroom to puke in is NOT fun!! I had thrown up 3x by 4:00, so I called my evening job to call in sick.

By 3:00 this morning I had expelled EVERYTHING from my body that could possibly be expelled!! I called in sick this morning. Although my trips to the loo are far less frequent today, I am feeling shaky, weak and have self pity abound!! It is 5 in the afternoon. I finally showered and got dressed. My day has been filled with cooking shows (the best answer to food poisoning? maybe not!) and feverish dreams!!

That's all I have in me right now....

Closer to Fine

People are asking for updates about him, people are asking what is going on between us... What is going on between us? He is not ready to sign on for a future, but I cerainly didnt stay out of contact for very long.

We are friends, that is easy.

My friends don't make my heart soar and ache like he still does.

No, I love him, I will always love him, that is not a bad thing. I have no illusions about what we are doing, or where we are going with this.

Except when those thoughts sneak in, you know the ones, admit it...what if...?

And really...what if? What if this doesnt die? what if he figures out that this isnt dying?

And what if he is already dating, what if he has let go of you and has interest in this ever happening, what if I make him feel good one way, but 'she' makes him feel good a different way? He is having his cake, and eating it too.

So am I!! It doesnt matter!! I know that I love him, and I know how he makes me feel. I know that he loves me. What he is doing over there does not affect things between us anymore than what I have been distracting myself with, affects things.

Yes, I know how he makes me feel. He makes me feel special, and needed. Old habits die hard. I keep falling for guys that make me feel this way. Being needed doesnt mean that you love them.

No, it doesnt! But that is not why I love him. Just because I may have had a pattern in the past does not mean that similiar feelings are repeating the pattern. He is just fine without me, he is not like the other guys. He knows what he has to do to look after himself, and expects nothing from me. I love him for his beautiful soul, not because sometimes I make him feel good. I don't love him on account of making him feel good. I want to make him feel good because I love him.

But we are both holding on to something that is not going anywhere. This is going to end up hurting an awful lot later if this keeps up. What happened to distance? What happened to letting go?

If it does backfire, it will have been worth it. We have tried to step back and put distance between us. The fact is, I love him, and I am not going to pretend to him that I don't. We are being honest with each other, and we are not playing games. The only games are the ones that happen right here in this little head of mine. Sometimes I indulge in the what ifs, sometimes I indulge in the doubt in my own feelings, and sometimes I indulge in mistrust in his intentions. But in my heart of hearts I am content. I am not worried. I am looking after myself. It's what I do. At the end of the day, I will be fine, more than fine. I always am.

At the end of the day, I am always more than fine!

At the end of the day, I will always be more than fine!!