Oops!

I slipped and fell. I am ok, a little bruised, but ok. I have a feeling there will be some aches in the days to come, but for now I am just more just annoyed that I wasn't more careful. Not that it is an excuse, but I had had a few g and ts and didn't quite realize how unstable my footing was. Looking back I can see where the path started to get slippery. That is where I should have turned back, but I didn't. I know better, you have to turn back before you start to slip. Once you are sliding the odds of not falling are pretty slim. The key is looking ahead...Is that a slippery section? Hmm, could be, maybe I should head in this direction for awhile. . .

It just sucks that the slide is so much fun!

Woes of a Single Mom

Ok, first I want to acknowledge that this is nothing compared to ACTUALLY being a single mom...Really wouldn't want to trivialize someone else's woes!

But, our...Let me rephrase that, my Pao Pao is no longer a woman. I took her in last night and this morning they removed or tied or snipped whatever it was they needed to remove or tie or snip to keep me from having Grandpuppies. She must stay in for 3 days, and it was heartwrenching to see her. I left work earlier so that I could get in during visiting hours. James happened to be there too. She was in pretty good spirits considering what she has gone through today, and definitely happy to see us. It was horrid having to leave her though. Eventually James and I had to walk away cause she wasn't going anywhere with that lady.

It was a little awkward with James...But not too bad. I think that both of us are realizing that we need to step back to get over this. Constant contact and communication with someone you still love begs the question...Why are we apart?

I was glad that he went to see her. He and I had not seen each other since Monday when he made it clear that he wanted no responsibilities or expectations when it came to Pao Pao. Apparently she is not his dog. Came as a bit of a surprise, and a big disappointment. She has been SO INCREDIBLY mopey and down since he moved out. It is to the point that it's not just me that notices it....He and I work such different schedules that he could come see her almost daily and never have to cross paths with me...

On the other hand, I understand that it is probably not easy to walk away from a life. I know I would not enjoy having to come back here to VISIT my dog, house, ex-girlfriend and former bubble members...He is trying to start anew, and doing what he has to do. It just makes me sad that it is Pao Pao sitting up on the roof by herself for hours on end. It is almost annoying how much she loves him...Just the sound of his bike driving up, or him climbing the stairs and she perks up.

It will all sort itself out. Pao Pao gets more love and attention than most dogs...Especially Taiwanese dogs. God, imagine this site if this was an actual child. I would be a basket case!!!

Good Days/Bad Days

I know that I have been neglectful...So much going on in this little head of mine. I am almost scared to talk about it in case I get a bit of flood gate effect. I have to be careful because people involved read this and I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, or invade someone else's privacy (again). I haven't mapped this out at all in my head. This is just me throwing stuff out there as it comes, cause it can't all stay in...

One week and two days ago James moved out. It hit me like a ten ton truck. It had been a month since we decided to break up, and I thought I was prepared. I was even helping to find him an apartment. I don't know which is bigger, my sadness, or the surprise at my sadness. I have always been good at 'control'. I have been through some major grief processes, and thought that I knew how this was going to hit me. I didn't. I feel like I am losing my mind. I had conversations with people, and look back and wonder what the hell I was talking about. I haven't been sleeping. I am resentful of everyone and everything. No, you don't know what I am going through. You did not go through exactly the same thing. I realize that I have a lot of good friends here, and they do care about me.

I already feel it slowly improving though. A very glib comment made by James is forcing out that pathetic back of the mind glimmer of hope that maybe he will figure his shit out, and decide that we are worth the effort needed. I guess we aren't worth the effort needed. It is really hard to fully let go when I still have so much love for him, and still feel the love from him. I always had felt like he and I were somehow fated, that this was 'big love' or 'true love'. And I thought that I was a realist....

I am starting to see glimses of 'single independent Ang' again. Not that there were any big changes in me in a couple, but I used to love being single. I traveled by myself for over 2 years in Europe. At 32 I am finishing my first serious relationship. That was 29 year of hanging out with me. I had fun. I am looking forward to rediscovering this part of myself. I am planning a long weekend in Bangkok by myself...Just because.

That's all I have right now...I will try and do this more often, so that it is not so scattered. Instead of 'good days/ bad days' really it is 'good moments/ bad moments'!

Interesting Tidbit

Last weekend my Taiwanese friend, Ann, and I were going for a tea with Pao Pao in tow. She wanted to walk Pao Pao so I told her that I walk with Pao Pao on the left, as you should be walking on the left facing traffic. Common knowledge, right...Always walk facing the traffic so you can see them coming, make eye contact all that stuff...Yeah, not in Taiwan. I can't believe how much my understanding of "common knowledge" has been rocked. It really is just a cultural construct.

After walking for a few minutes Ann tried to explain to me that in Taiwan you are not taught to walk on the left facing traffic, but on the right with you back to it. Although her English is impeccable, she had trouble explaining it to me. At first she kept saying that they will see you better.(??) Finally she managed to explain that if you have your back to the traffic they will know that you can't see them, and they will avoid you. If you walk facing the traffic, they will assume that you can see them, and you will get out of the way, so they make no attempts to avoid you.

hmmm....Well, given what I know know about traffic in Taiwan it makes sense. When you get to a four way stop there is no right of way. If you slow down, the other cars will go, and keep going until you are in there way. If you make eye contact with someone (at home what you do to make sure that they see you, so you can proceed) then they know that you have see them and will go. There is a sense of just do what you are going to do, and hope people will get out of your way. On a daily basis you can see someone pulling a U-turn in the middle of a very busy 4 lane road. If you just go slow enough to give people time to stop then it is all ok! It is very frustrating, and I spend a lot of time with my thumb on the horn, but I try to keep in mind that it although it is chaos, it is organized chaos. When you keep in mind the assumptions that everyone else is under, rather than the ones that apply at home, you relieve yourself of A LOT of stress and headache!!

Very Zen-like thoughts in the comfort of my own home ...I will be sure to remind myself of these thoughts as I shake my fist and shout profanities at someone for putting my life in peril!